


The Gays™

by prince_sly_blue



Series: texting is communication!! [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Established Shiro/Allura, Eventual Keith/Lance (Voltron), F/M, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Group chat, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Keith (Voltron) Has BPD, M/M, Memes, No One Is Neurotypical, Queerplatonic Keith/Pidge, Queerplatonic Relationships, Rating May Change, Team Voltron Family, Texting, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-08 22:23:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8865637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prince_sly_blue/pseuds/prince_sly_blue
Summary: pidgeon: bb i'll adopt ulittle orphan keith: daddyactually han solo: hotpidgeon: oh baby girl daddy'll take good care of uthe kink man: e n d t h i s





	1. white people™

**Author's Note:**

> pidgeon : pidge  
> the kink man : shiro  
> actually han solo : lance  
> the incredible hunk : hunk  
> step on me : allura  
> gaylien : keith

**pidgeon has created the chat: The Gays™  
pidgeon has added: gaylien, actually han solo, the incredible hunk, the kink man, step on me**

**pidgeon:** hello my fellow Homosexuals  
**the kink man:**  change my name pidge  
**pidgeon:** no  
**actually han solo:** yaaaaaaaas group chat!!!  
**step on me:** i'd ask why coran isn't in on this but we all know why  
**pidgeon:** he'd never use it??? yeah ik  
**step on me:** i love him but he makes himself too easy to bully  
**gaylien:** relateable  
**the incredible hunk:** coran is so beautiful i wish he used the internet literally at all. the whole internet would benefit from his stories  
**actually han solo:** i know!!!!!!!!!!! a beautiful man :,)  
**the kink man:** pls lance we all know about your weird dad crush on coran  
**actually han solo:** says u "daddy"   
**the kink man:** Let "Daddy" Die 2kforever  
**gaylien:** fucking honestly i'm disgusted, i'm insulted, i dedicate my life to our lord and savior jesus christ and this is the thanks i get?  
**pidgeon:** rip vine  
**actually han solo:** don't fucking remind me  
**actually han solo:** vine ruined my already tiny attention span and then what????  
**actually han solo:** they leave me?!?!?!?!?!?!?! how dare  
**gaylien:** just like my parents  
**the incredible hunk:** KEITH STOP MAKING THOSE JOKES PLS IT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO COME OVER AND HUG U  
**gaylien:** the sunll come out tomorrow  
**the incredible hunk changed gaylien's nickname to little orphan keith**

 **little orphan keith:** ok  
**the incredible hunk:** i can't!!!! hug u rn!!!!! my car isn't here so i can't drive to u :(  
**little orphan keith:** u know what tastes like a hug?  
**little orphan keith:** pizza  
**the incredible hunk:** i don't have money :((((  
**step on me:** done  <3  
**little orphan keith:** i was kidding! ily allura ur the Best!!!!  
**step on me:** ikr  
**little orphan keith:** both of u check ur snapchat  
**the incredible hunk sent a photo  
the incredible hunk:** look how cute our son is!!!!  
**pidgeon:** bb i'll adopt u  
**little orphan keith:** daddy  
**actually han solo:** hot  
**pidgeon:** oh baby girl daddy'll take good care of u  
**the kink man:** e n d t h i s  
**little orphan keith:** lmao  
**pidgeon:** lmao  
**actaully han solo:** this is why they're dating  
**pidgeon:** ps keith can i get in on that pizza  
**little orphan keith:** my hug pizza?  
**pidgeon:** i'm also a sad kid :,'(  
**little orphan keith:** what's mine is urs  
**pidgeon:**!!!!  
**pidgeon:** omw!!!  
**actually han solo:** room for one more??  
**little orphan keith:** it's pineapple   
**actually han solo:** ALLURA!!!! DONT ENABLE HIM!!!!!!  
**step on me:** orphans stick together   
**little orphan keith:** <3  
**actually han solo:** IM VOMITING RN PINEAPPLE PIZgZA VIOLATES WHATEVER ORPHAN CODE U TWO HAVE OK PINEAPPLE PIZZA IS A SIN  
**pidgeon:** pizgza  
**the kink man:** ur a sin  
**little orphan keith:** December 15, 2016, Takashi Shirogane was right about something  
**little orphan keith:** a historic moment  
**the kink man:** stfu  
**step on me:** tbh pineapple isn't my fav  
**step on me:** but it's The Boy's  
**pidgeon:** ily allura  
**the incredible hunk:** that's such a passive view on pineapple pizza usually it's to the death  
**step on me:** i'm not gonna fight keith and pidge on their weird pizza   
**step on me:** i'm swole but like keith is also swole and pidge probably insane  
**pidgeon:** i am  
**the incredible hunk:** i found the two on them in a dumpster once  
**the incredible hunk:** they weren't even dumpster diving  
**the incredible hunk:** they were just chilling  
**the incredible hunk:** in the garbage   
**actually han solo:** where they belong  
**the kink man:** everytime pidge leaves the netflix history is all shitty cryptid documentaries   
**little orphan keith:** they're not well produced but they're not shitty ok  
**pidgeon:** some are surprisingly well researched   
**step on me:** this is where the orphan alliance doesn't extend  
**step on me:** i can't agree with all that  
**step on me:** the dovor demon is a myth  
**pidgeon:** HES NOT  
**actually han solo:** so many different loch ness monsters according to yall  
**little orphan keith:** that makes it all the more credible!!!!! if there's more then one then ud believe there's a species!!!!  
**actually han solo:** IF THEYRE ALL IN DIFFERENT LAKES HOW ARE THEY MATING HMMMMMMM  
**little orphan keith:** They Find A Way  
**pidgeon:** i love the loch ness monster ok  
**pidgeon:** she's gorgeous   
**actually han solo:** what???????  
**the incredible hunk:** what??????  
**step on me:** pidge confirmed a furry  
**the kink man:** the loch ness monster isn't hairy tho???  
**pidgeon:** furries aren't just "furry" but fuck u  
**step on me:** the evidence^^^  
**pidgeon:** fucking blocked  
**the kink man:** i need a break  
**actually han solo:** let shiro rest  
**little orphan keith:** literally never  
**the kink man:** i brought u into this family and i can take u out  
**little orphan keith:** abandoned again  
**the kink man:** uuuuuuuuuuugh  
**step on me:** bitch same  
**pidgeon:** y'all have u seen russian yeti: the killer lives?  
**little orphan keith:** were about to put it on  
**actually han solo:** literally no one cares about that stuff but u two   
**the incredible hunk:** sorry guys  
**pidgeon:** well let u know if it's good  
**actually han solo:** pls dont  
**pidgeon:** we will  
\--  
**step on me:** lance  
**step on me:** lance  
**step on me:** lance  
**actually han solo:** yes princess  
**step on me:** guess what i got  
**actually han solo:** what  
**step on me:** hollywood glam glow  
**actually han solo:** FUCK ME UP WITH THAT SHIT  
**the incredible hunk:** aren't those like forty bucks for a one time use???  
**step on me:** SHUT UP U DONT UNDERSTAND  
**step on me:** ONLY LANCE UNDERSTANDS  
**actually han solo:** WAIT UNTIL I COME OVER TO PUT IT ON OK  
**step on me:** ofc i got u one too  
**actually han solo:** U DIDNT  
**step on me:** i did 0:)  
**actually han solo:** ALLUR A UR A GOD E S S  
**step on me:** ikr  
**pidgeon:** russian yeti is bad  
**actually han solo:** idc  
**pidgeon:** they're portraying him as a totally violent creature >:(  
**actually han solo:** it's called the killer lives  
**pidgeon:**  stfu lance  
**step on me:** a n y w a y  
**step on me:** come over lance  
**actually han solo:** u know i'm on the way  
**actually han solo:** i love our sugar mama allura  
**step on me:** u do know that implies you guys have to have sex with me for me to buy u this stuff  
**actually han solo:** not complaining lol  
**the incredible hunk:** lmao allura u are the pretty friend i don't think anyone would care  
**little orphan keith:** uh  
**pidgeon:** keith is Too Gay  
**little orphan keith:** allura you are indeed the prettiest but uh  
**step on me:** lmao  
**pidgeon:** i on the other hand  
**step on me:** am an infant and we are not even making that joke  
**pidgeon:** ok  
**the kink man:** ,,  
**step on me:** ~ <3  
**the kink man:** y'all,,  
**the incredible hunk:** oops  
**little orphan keith:** uh oh  
**actually han solo:** what?  
**little orphan keith:** shiro is lowkey jealous  
**the kink man:** im not!!!  
**little orphan keith:** u r  
**little orphan keith:** i have receipts  
**the kink man:** no  
**little orphan keith:** yes  
**little orphan keith:** in 2009, when takashi was 17  
**the kink man:** nO  
**step on me:** oooo breaking out the takashi  
**little orphan keith:** he was on a date with this girl (samantha???????? idk i was 8) he came home with a black eye because he got in his very first fist fight when this guy was a little too forward  
**little orphan keith:** two years later he had his first Long Term GF and they broke up because he wouldn't let her do ??? something??? i was 10 i don't remember but i do remember!!!!! the very loud fight that ensued after because shiro was too "protective"  
**the incredible hunk:** holy shit  
**the kink man:** keith stop  
**the kink man:** it wasn't as bad as ur spotty memory is making it sound  
**the kink man:** i wanted to go with her on this road trip that she was going on with two other guys one of whom was into her and she took that as i wasn't letting her go  
**actually han solo:** omg  
**step on me:** lmao u know i'm gonna do whatever i want right  
**the kink man:** yeah  
**step on me:** cool  
\--  
**the kink man >step on me  
the kink man:** babe,,  
**the kink man:** i'm sorry that all sounds so bad i just worry  
**the kink man:** i'm kinda the same way with keith (in a not creepy totally brotherly/platonic way)  
**step on me:** ik  
the kink man: i was kidding when i was acting all jealous of the others  
**step on me:** i know!! i'm not worried about it ok?? you were a teenager and i know you've grown since then because i've seen it  
**the kink man:** i love you  
**step on me:** i love you  
**step on me:** wanna come over?  
**the kink man:** hell yeah  
\--  
**The Gays™  
little orphan keith:** lmao shiro just fucking booked it  
**pidgeon:** they're gonna fuck  
**little orphan keith:** i'm vomiting  
**actually han solo:** woot woot  
**actually han solo:** get it  
step on me: ;)  
**the incredible hunk:** hey!!! i just got my car!!!! lance are u still at allura's i can get u  
**the incredible hunk:** seems like she might want u gone  
**step on me:** oh good  
**step on me:** i was just gonna kick him out  
**actually han solo:** r00d  
**step on me:** [shrug emoji]  
**the incredible hunk:** did u just type shrug emoji  
**step on me:** :P  
**actually han solo:** vintage  
**step on me:** get out of my house  
**actually han solo:** :(  
**actually han solo:** lmao shiro got here before hunk  
**actually han solo:** wow i've never felt more invisible  
**actually han solo:** wow they are ready  
**little orphan keith:** i'm gonna go drink some bleach brb  
**pidgeon:** that's the most "15 yr old on tumblr" thing i've ever heard u say  
**little orphan keith:** "oh baby girl daddy'll take good care of u"  
**pidgeon:** ur grounded  
**little orphan keith:** give me back my hug pizza  
**pidgeon:** it's????? gone??????  
**little orphan keith:** vomit  
**pidgeon:** oh ok  
**actually han solo:** omg i leave for two seconds to get in hunks car and??????  
**actually han solo:** u two are literally so gross  
**actually han solo:** what do u talk about when the rest of us are gone?  
**pidgeon:** death mostly  
**little orphan keith:** cryptids too  
**actually han solo:** hunk refuses to text while driving but he says you guys should lighten tf up  
**little orphan keith:** hunk loves us  
**actually han solo:** "i do but seriously lighten up guys we love you two and it seems like you don't have much regard for your own lives sometimes" - hunk  
**pidgeon:** um  
**little orphan keith:** l m a o bye  
**pidgeon:** yeah l8r  
**actually han solo:** fuck  
\--  
**actually han solo >little orphan keith  
actually han solo: **hey uh  
**actually han solo:** you guys ok?  
**little orphan keith:** yeah we're just doing our platonic bf thing  
**actually han solo:** oh should i leave u alone??  
**little orphan keith:** nah pidge is on their laptop, were really just cuddling  
**actually han solo:** okay well like  
**actually han solo:** u know that hunk is right, right???  
**little orphan keith:** about what  
**actually han solo:** everyone here cares about you and wants to see you around for a long time  
**little orphan keith:** lance pidge and i aren't in danger  
**actually han solo:** i know  
**little orphan keith:** oh  
\--  
**little orphan keith >pidgeon  
little orphan keith sent a screenshot  
pidgeon:** i'm right next to u why are u texting me  
**little orphan keith:** just read it asswipe  
**pidgeon:** wOW THATS RLY GAY  
**little orphan keith:** i'm not seeing things???? that's super gay right?????  
**pidgeon:** considering for like six months the two of you couldn't be in a room together without blowing tf up  
**pidgeon:** it's pretty gay  
**little orphan keith:** fuck  
\--  
**pidgeon:** good morning my good homos  
**little orphan keith:** @ me next time  
**pidgeon:** my cutest homo  
**little orphan keith:** [the Hunk Blush™]  
**the incredible hunk:** what????  
**actually han solo:** i love the hunk blush!!!!!!!!!!  
**pidgeon:** me too!!!  
**little orphan keith:** me three  
**the incredible hunk:** what is the hunk blush  
**little orphan keith:** impossible to explain  
**pidgeon:** ud only understand if u could see it too  
**pidgeon:** but alas  
**pidgeon:** it's ur own face  
**actually han solo:** btw guys  
**actually han solo sent a picture  
actually han solo: ** the mud mask allura gave me did some fucking magic  
**the incredible hunk:** u look v handsome  
**pidgeon:** wow i can stand to look at u!  
**little orphan keith:** what was it supposed to do??? u look the same  
**actually han solo:** i'm offended!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**the incredible hunk:** triggered  
**pidgeon:** rustled his jimmies u did  
**actually han solo:** ok i know pidge is teasing me but fuck if u think i don't look different  
**actually han solo:** it cleaned out my pores and brightened my skin!!  
**actually han solo:** u could see me from space  
**actually han solo:** i should be a beauty girl  
**the incredible hunk:** you'd probably have to be decent at makeup to make it as a beauty boy  
**actually han solo:** mmmmmmmmmm  
**actually han solo:** i like being au naturale  
**actually han solo:** but those beauty boys are pretty fucking good looking  
**the incredible hunk:** i'm sure allura would show you some stuff if u asked  
**actually han solo:** maybe  
**pidgeon:** lmao anyway  
**the kink man:** guess what just happened  
**pidgeon:** he returns from booty  
**the kink man:** nah lol just taking a break to run to the store  
**actually han solo:** u ran out of condoms  
**the kink man:** ,, maybe,,,,  
**the kink man:** but u guys gotta hear this crazy white ppl story  
**little orphan keith:** buckle ur seat belts kids  
**the kink man:** literally  
**the kink man:** ok it's not even really about race but she was acting so white, u feel?  
**the incredible hunk:** yes  
**the kink man:** so this white lady with a "i wanna speak to the manager" haircut is in line in front of me and her son is staring at my arm, which i'm used to, u know?  
**the kink man:** and he pretty bluntly goes "what happened to u" and i'm wearing my civvies (obvi) so the mom claps he hand over her sons mouth and goes "i'm so sorry sir i had no idea my son was so rude"  
**the kink man:** and i'm like "it's fine it's fine happens all the time" and i turn to the boy and say i was a soldier which of course freaks both of them out cause here i am (asian) with one arm and bigass scar across my face in a t shirt and lounge pants  
the kink man: not exactly how they picture "the american heros"  
**the kink man:** so the mom is just apologizing over and over and dragging lil timmy away and he salutes at me and i just wave back cause i fucking hate that but u know all white people fucking salute  
**the kink man:** that's it but fuck dude i hate that  
**the kink man:** like i get it sandra you've never met a vet before even tho u have fifty "support our troops" stickers on ur trump 2016 sign which is still in ur yard  
**little orphan keith:** sorry dude that sucks  
**the kink man:** lol it's fine  
**little orphan keith:** go find comfort in ur lady's arms  
**the kink man:** hella  
**the kink man:** muting y'all  
**pidgeon:** white ppl be crazy  
**the incredible hunk:** pidge when we met u thought ketchup was spicy  
**pidgeon:** eat my whole ass hunk  
**the incredible hunk:** nah white ass is bland  
**actually han solo:** cuban ass on the other hand ,':)  
**pidgeon:** is that a dreamworks face emoji  
**pidgeon changed actually han solo's name to dreamworks face**

**dreamworks face changed pidgeon' name to wonderbread**

**wonderbread:** touché  
**little orphan keith:** finally pidge has a nonsensical username like the rest of us  
**the incredible hunk:** mine makes sense  
**dreamworks face:** we'll get there dude  
**dreamworks face:** it has to come naturally  
**dreamworks face:** allura named herself step on me tho is that allowed  
**the incredible hunk:** she can do what she wants  
**dreamworks face:** tru tru  
\--  
**step on me:** i'm back ;))))  
**step on me:** i'm not reading all that lmao  
**step on me:** what are you guys up to?  
**little orphan keith:** studying  
**little orphan keith:** but suddenly i'm super invested in this chat  
**step on me:** lmao i'm so interesting  
**step on me:** what are you studying  
**little orphan keith:** astrophysics  
**step on me:** boi that's ur major  
**little orphan keith:** i don't see ur point  
**step on me:** ok  
**step on me:** well if u aren't studying do u wanna get froyo  
**the kink man:** lactose free  
**little orphan keith:** u aren't the boss of me takashi  
**the kink man:** i think i'll find i am  
**step on me:** yes yes babe lactose free froyo  
**step on me:** [[[;)]]]  
**little orphan keith:** my bike or ur car??  
**step on me:** keith it's so fucking cold i'm not taking ur bike i'll pick u up  
**little orphan keith:** don't disrespect her  
**the kink man:** don't personify ur bike keith  
**little orphan keith:** she's the only woman i'll ever love  
**step on me:** that's kinda cute  
**the kink man:** u aren't texting while driving are u allura??  
**step on me:** nah i'm in the passenger  
**little orphan keith:** coran?!  
**step on me:** yep!!  
**little orphan keith:** fucking yes i'm so ready  
**dreamworks face:** i wanna see coran :(  
**little orphan keith:** u snooze u lose  
**dreamworks face:** eat me keith  
**the kink man:** Do Not Fight  
**little orphan keith:** too late i'm already at the dennys parking lot ready 2 fite lance  
**dreamworks face:** after we fight can we get pancakes  
**little orphan keith:** it's a date lol  
**little orphan keith:** they're here! l8r loser  
**dreamworks face:** :(  
\--  
**dreamworks face >incredible hunk**

 **dreamworks face:** read the chat rn  
**the incredible hunk:** lance  
**dreamworks face:** hunk!!!!!! he said date!!!!!!!!  
**the incredible hunk:** yeah he did  
**dreamworks face:** i just  
**dreamworks face:** i want him  
**the incredible hunk:** tell him  
**dreamworks face:** ik ik i spam u all the time with this  
**dreamworks face:** i just know he still thinks about before  
**the incredible hunk:** you guys are close now  
**the incredible hunk:** idk how he feels, only keith knows that  
**dreamworks face:** and pidge probably  
**the incredible hunk:** yeah and pidge probably  
\--  
**wonderbread >little orphan keith  
wonderbread:** a date huh  
**little orphan keith:** FITE ME PIDGE

 


	2. hunk appreciation day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> little orphan keith: hunk once gave me the last go gurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dreamworks face : lance  
> the incredible hunk : hunk  
> the kink man : shiro  
> step on me : allura  
> little orphan keith : keith  
> wonderbread : pidge

**dreamworks face >the incredible hunk  
dreamworks face:** hey  
**dreamworks face:** can you come over???  
**the incredible hunk:** ofc is everything ok??  
**dreamworks face:** idk i guess i'm just in a mood  
**the incredible hunk:** i'm on the way okay?? i love you  
**dreamworks** **face** : ily too  
\--  
**The Gays™  
the kink man:** guys  
**the kink man** : who wants to see keith from third grade???  
**wonderbread:** holy shit yes  
**step on me:** fuck yes do it  
**little orphan keith:** why shiro  
**the kink man sent a video  
wonderbread:** IS THAT  
**step on me:** KEITH  
**the kink man:** behold all his Asian Bowlcut glory in this rendition of the one man show: star wars the empire strikes back  
**little orphan keith:** fresh outta the orphanage  
**the kink man:** that's not gonna work this time  
**step on me:** YOURE SO CUTE  
**step on me:** where are lance and hunk they need to see  
**wonderbread:** let me  
\--  
**The Squad  
wonderbread:** hey check the group there's a baby keith video  
**dreamworks face:** that sounds cute  
**wonderbread:** im bullying him, so u are sworn to secrecy  
**wonderbread:** but it totally is  
**the incredible hunk:** were having a day  
**wonderbread:** is everything okay??  
**the incredible hunk:** lance is  
**dreamworks face:** i'm in a funk  
**dreamworks face:** ill be fine  
**wonderbread:** whoa  
**wonderbread:** no no  
**wonderbread:** what's wrong  
**dreamworks face:** really pidge i'm ok  
**dreamworks face:** i'll get over it  
**wonderbread:** hm  
**dreamworks face:** pidge don't spam my snapchat  
**wonderbread:** i'll do whatever i want  
\--  
**The Gays™  
dreamworks face:** holy shit  
**the incredible hunk:** keith  
**little orphan keith:** don't  
**dreamworks face:** you're a dweeb  
**dreamworks face:** are those braces  
**step on me:** wait til he talks  
**the incredible hunk:** THE LISP  
**dreamworks face:** this is everything i've ever wanted  
**the kink man sent (2) videos  
little orphan keith:** SHIRO STOP  
**little orphan keith:** THESE ARE ON VHS WHERE DID U GET THESE  
**the kink man:** i have my ways  
**the incredible hunk:** ngl it's cute tho  
**wonderbread:** oh my god  
**wonderbread:** is that a tin foil hat?  
**the kink man:** @hunk ikr??? he was such a cute kid  
**the kink man:** what happened  
**little orphan keith:** look  
**wonderbread:** BABYS FIRST CONSPIRACY  
**step on me:** the!!!! xfiles theme!!!!!!! before it was a meme!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**little orphan keith:** s t o p  
**the kink man:** revenge  
**little orphan keith:** IM SORRY I OUTED UR JEALOUS ASS PLS STOP  
**the kink man:** buy me some cool ranch doritos and we have a deal  
**little orphan keith:** can i use postmates?  
**the kink man:** yes  
**the incredible hunk:** i love postmates  
**step on me:** yes!! deliver mcdonalds to my doorstep mwahahaha  
**wonderbread:** u look like the kinda person who's never had mcdonald's before  
**step on me:** [jumin han voice] what's fried chicken  
**the incredible hunk:** ALLURA  
**little orphan keith:** ALLURA  
\--  
**does keith kogane is gay  
the incredible hunk added: step on me  
the incredible hunk:** welcome to our mystic messenger chat allura  
**little orphan keith:** we thought we were alone  
**step on me:** fcuk yes  
**the incredible hunk:** fcuk  
**little orphan keith:** fcuk  
**the incredible hunk changed step on me's name to fcuk  
fcuk:** okay y'all  
**fcuk:** unnecessary  
**the incredible hunk:** you wouldnt say so if it was lances typo  
**fcuk:** [yougotmethere.gif]  
**little orphan keith:** i'm so angry that u typed that out and fucking  
**little orphan keith:** i know exactly what ur talking about  
**fcuk:** it's because it's gay  
**fcuk:** u know all gay things  
**little orphan keith:** this is true  
\--  
**The Gays™  
wonderbread:** is jumin han those fake korean boyfriends  
**dreamworks face:** i think it is  
**the kink man:** she loves yoosung whateverthefuck more then she loves me  
**fcuk:** u got it babe  
**the kink man:** what happened to ur name  
**fcuk:** don't worry about it  
**the incredible hunk:** she is ours now  
\--  
**wonderbread >little orphan keith  
wonderbread:** dude i know we are The Gays  
**wonderbread:** but i think u and i are the gayest of our group  
**little orphan keith:** is this just dawning on u  
**little orphan keith:** i'm actually homosexual and ur trans so like  
**little orphan keith:** yeah  
**wonderbread:** actual homosexual keith kogane  
**little orphan keith:** for a hot second i thought u were gonna change my name  
**wonderbread:** i'm attached to little orphan keith  
**little orphan keith:** ok  
**wonderbread:** but the rest of the squad is the kinda wiggly line gay  
**wonderbread:** and cis  
**wonderbread:** too many cis  
**little orphan keith:** i can't believe you're a cisphobe  
**wonderbread:** i still have that down with cis shirt you made me  
**wonderbread sent a picture  
little orphan keith:** awww  
**little orphan keith:** i have the heterophobe shirt too but  
**little orphan keith:** i'm not taking a selfie rn  
**wonderbread:** no!!!!!  
**wonderbread:** i want a selfie!!!!  
**little orphan keith:** pidgey i'm gross  
**wonderbread:** elaborate  
**wonderbread:** i have fantastic taste in qp and i know u aren't gross  
**little orphan keith:** pidge were both disgusting  
**little orphan keith:** and i may or may not have a stomach bug BUT ILL GET OVER IT  
**wonderbread:** what!!!!!!! since when!?!?!??!  
**little orphan keith:** since about 3:30 am last night  
**wonderbread:** babe i'm coming over  
**little orphan keith:** not necessary  
**wonderbread:** too late ordering an uber  
\--  
**The Gays™  
wonderbread:** keith is dying  
**little orphan keith:** i'm not  
**dreamworks face:** um  
**dreamworks face:** explain  
**the kink man:** he's got the flu and won't sTOP AND REST  
**wonderbread:** U DIDNT SAY FLU  
**little orphan keith:** ITS NOT THE FLU  
**the kink man:** LAY DOWN  
**wonderbread:** shiro i'm omw i'm gonna get him to rest whether he likes it or not  
**the incredible hunk:** keith!!!!!!!!!!! go to bed what are you doing???  
**little orphan keith:** living my life  
**fcuk:** SHIRO CONTROL UR SON  
**little orphan keith:** HES NOT MY DAD  
**the kink man:** IM NOT HIS DAD  
**the incredible hunk:** yikes  
**dreamworks face:** yikes  
**fcuk:** yikes  
**wonderbread:** yikes  
**little orphan keith:** were just gonna  
**the kink man:** yeah  
**the incredible hunk:** seriously tho keith you should rest up and take care of yourself  
**dreamworks face:** it doesn't help that you're constantly dirty and gross  
**little orphan keith:** i'm fine and they say u shouldn't shower everyday anyway  
**dreamworks face:** YOU SHOULDNT WASH UR HAIR EVERYDAY BUT U NEED TO WASH UR BODY EVERYDAY KEITH  
**fcuk:** holy shit  
**the kink man:** don't even bother  
**wonderbread:** lmao  
**dreamworks face:** YOU TOO PIDGE  
**dreamworks face:** FUCK U TWO WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER UR SO NASTY  
**little orphan keith:** lmao  
**wonderbread:** lmao  
**wonderbread sent a picture  
wonderbread:** HES FUCKING WORKING OUT  
**the incredible hunk:** is that a bucket next to his weights  
**wonderbread:** YEAH SO HE CAN PUKE UNDISTURBED  
**dreamworks face:** where's shiro???  
**the kink man:** shiro has a job  
**dreamworks face:** how would i know  
**dreamworks face:** ur texting us aren't u  
**the kink man:** ,,yeah lmao  
**fcuk:** babe don't get fired  
**the kink man:** i won't  
**the kink man:** no one cares  
\--  
**dreamworks face >little orphan keith  
dreamworks face:** you really should rest  
**little orphan keith:** i don't have a choice now  
**little orphan keith:** pidge is very aggressive in their care  
**dreamworks face:** good  
**dreamworks face:** u need a strong hand ;)  
**little orphan keith:** don't.  
**dreamworks face:** full stop  
**dreamworks face:** yikes  
**little orphan keith sent a picture**  
**little orphan keith:** see  
**little orphan keith:** all tucked in  
**dreamworks face:** good :)  
\--  
**wonderbread >little orphan keith:  
wonderbread:** texting lance? ;)  
**little orphan keith:** why are u texting me ur right here  
**wonderbread:** been trying to get your attention for a good ten seconds  
**wonderbread:** youre so glued to your phone  
**little orphan keith:** blocked  
\--  
**The Gays™  
wonderbread sent a picture  
the incredible hunk:** good  
**the incredible hunk:** can u make chicken noodle from scratch?  
**wonderbread:** no facetime me  
**fcuk:** he smol  
**the kink man:** yeah lol he stopped growing 30 years ago  
**little orphan keith:** im 16  
**the kink man:** fetus  
\--  
**fcuk >the kink man  
fcuk:** i miss u  
**fcuk:** come over after work  
**the kink man:** i wanna  
**the kink man:** but keiths sick :(  
**fcuk:** pidge has it handled  
**the kink man:** im choosing to believe ur right  
**the kink man:** want me to bring anything back?  
**fcuk:** just ur cute butt  
**the kink man:** omg  
**fcuk:** i can't call ur butt cute??  
**fcuk:** after all these years????  
**the kink man:** *year  
**fcuk:** semantics  
**fcuk:** i can't help being so very attracted to u  
**the kink man:** i'm at work  
**fcuk:** no fun :(((  
**the kink man:** babe once i'm out im all yours  
**fcuk:** actually i wanted to talk about smth serious  
**fcuk:** but i'm worried you'll get through the door and i'll forget  
**the kink man:** lol  
**fcuk:** you spend a lot of time at my place,,  
**the kink man:** keiths too young  
**fcuk:** ...  
**fcuk:** i know  
**fcuk:** i really wanna live with you  
**the kink man:** i do too  
**the kink man:** i can't leave him though  
**the kink man:** he jokes about it but it'd actually mess him up if i left him before he was ready  
**fcuk:** you're so good  
**fcuk:** i know this is why i love you  
**fcuk:** but it's inconvenient for me rn  
**the kink man:** lmao i'll bring ice cream over  
**fcuk:** ice cream!!!  
\--  
**The Gays™  
the incredible hunk:** we should make plans for this weekend  
**the incredible hunk:** provided keith is all better  
**little orphan keith:** I AM FINE NOW LETS GO OUT NOW  
**dreamworks face:** no  
**fcuk:** yesssss we need to hang out all of us  
**dreamworks face:** including coran!!  
**fcuk:** obvi  
**dreamworks face:** lov him  
**the incredible hunk:** me and lance are seeing rouge one today  
**dreamworks face:** maybe keith can do a one man show rendition of that too ;)  
**little orphan keith:** eat me  
**dreamworks face:** if u insist  
\--  
**little orphan keith >wonderbread  
little orphan keith:** AAAAAAAAAA  
**wonderbread:** i saw  
**wonderbread:** eat ur soup  
\--  
**The Gays™  
the kink man:** well fuck if u guys don't wanna see it as a squad  
**the incredible hunk:** we were gonna wait  
**dreamworks face:** BUT STAR WARS  
**fcuk:** oh yeah!!!!!!!!  
**fcuk sent a picture  
fcuk:** rey hair ;))  
**the kink man:** BABY  
**the kink man:** YOURE SO BEAUTIFUL  
**the incredible hunk:** omg dad used caps  
**dreamworks face:** SECONDED  
**dreamworks face:** ALLURA A TRUE GODDESS  
**little orphan keith:** you're like unearthly  
**wonderbread:** you're like  
**wonderbread:** alien  
**little orphan keith:** ^^  
**the incredible hunk:** you could ligit wear ur hair that way and no one would question it  
**fcuk:** aw guys  
**fcuk:** i love sending selfies to this chat  
**fcuk:** feed my ego  
**the kink man:** i am in love with u irl  
**fcuk:** i'm in love with u irl!!!!!!  
**wonderbread:** is it just me or did it get kinda hetero in here  
**fcuk:** dont erase our identities pidge  
**the kink man:** yeah how queerphobic  
**wonderbread:** i'm gay  
**dreamworks face:** what does that even mean to u now  
**wonderbread:** lmao  
**little orphan keith:** i am Gay  
**the incredible hunk:** we know  
**fcuk:** i love my gay sons (and pidge?? or are u a son too??)  
**wonderbread:** lmao  
**the incredible hunk:** i know when we first became friends we made allura the squad mom  
**the incredible hunk:** but is she???  
**dreamworks face:** auntie allura  
**little orphan keith:** big sis allura  
**the kink man:** wife allura  <3  
**wonderbread:** WOW GROSS  
**fcuk:** <3  
**the incredible hunk:** and in one fell swoop, shiro knocks all others down  
**dreamworks face:** honestly  
\--  
**dreamworks face >little orphan keith  
dreamworks face:** why don't we go to a normal high school jesus fuck  
**dreamworks face:** why did we decide to go to nasa school or whatever  
**little orphan keith:** idk dude i'm dying  
**dreamworks face:** you're usually killing at school what's wrong  
**little orphan keith:** killing myself more like ayyyyy  
**dreamworks face:** lmao same  
**little orphan keith:** can i just  
**little orphan keith:** go live in the desert and look for aliens  
**little orphan keith:** my only true passion in life  
**dreamworks face:** i was gonna say become a stripper but uh  
**dreamworks face:** ok  
\--  
**the incredible hunk >wonderbread  
the incredible hunk:** how is everything over there  
**wonderbread:** he's feeling a lot better!! we're watching stranger things  
**the incredible hunk:** I LOVE  
**the incredible hunk:** WINONA RIDER IN THAT LIKE  
**the incredible hunk:** WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE TBH  
**wonderbread:** fine ill just take my psychic daughter and leave then  
**the incredible hunk:** i didn't mean that  
**the incredible hunk:** i love eleven she's good  
**the incredible hunk:** why do all talk show people ask the stranger things kids if they can read though  
**wonderbread:** they're my age????  
**the incredible hunk:** i know it's crazy dumb  
**wonderbread:** i wanna rewatch twin peaks  
**the incredible hunk:** u and keith have very predictable taste  
**wonderbread:** thanks  
**the incredible hunk:** can i come to keith's? i wanna watch too  
**wonderbread:** yes!!! be gentle with the sickie tho  
**the incredible hunk:** i'm always careful with my son  
**wonderbread:** the true mom friend  
\--  
**dreamworks face >the incredible hunk  
dreamworks face:** are you at keiths?  
**the incredible hunk:** uh  
**dreamworks face sent a screenshot  
dreamworks face:** pidges snap story says u r  
**the incredible hunk:** u don't watch stranger things with me!!  
**dreamworks face:** it's scary!!  
**the incredible hunk:** ily  
**dreamworks face:** :/  
**the incredible hunk:** :,(  
**dreamworks face:** ily  
**the incredible hunk:** :D  
\--  
**The Gays™  
dreamworks face:** abandoned by all my closest allies  
**dreamworks face:** for my rival  
**fcuk:** u aren't rivals  
**dreamworks face:** we are  
**the kink man:** u aren't  
**the kink man:** you guys aren't rivals pls don't bring this back  
**the kink man:** you guys became friends over the course of a week once u got to know each other  
**fcuk:** that was funny  
**dreamworks face:** wow  
**dreamworks face:** betrayed by my own parents  
**the kink man:** keith voice: same  
**fcuk:** CALLED OUT  
**dreamworks face sent a picture  
dreamworks face:** i'm too pretty for this  
**fcuk:** what is happening  
**the kink man:** is there a child on your neck  
**dreamworks face:** my big sister brought her kids over for dinner  
**the kink man:** holy shit  
**dreamworks face:** i love being an uncle but this is too much  
**the kink man:** free him  
**fcuk:** free him  
**dreamworks face:** they're asking about hunk omg  
**dreamworks face:** i guess he's here a lot when they come over??  
**fcuk:** good they need a positive influence  
**dreamworks face:** r00d  
\--  
**dreamworks face >the incredible hunk  
dreamworks face sent a picture  
dreamworks face:** they miss u  
**the incredible hunk:** i miss them!!!  
**the incredible hunk:** how are you doing  
**dreamworks face:** you helped a lot  
**dreamworks face:** i really needed that  
**the incredible hunk:** ofc buddy ill always be around when you need me  
**dreamworks face:** you're really the best friend ever  
**the incredible hunk:** what no  
**dreamworks face changed the incredible hunk's name to literal sunshine  
dreamworks face:** sh  
**dreamworks face:** ur perfect  
\--  
**The Gays™  
dreamworks face:** I LOVE HUNK  
**wonderbread:** I LOVE HUNK TOO!!!  
**fcuk:** HUNK IS MY ALL TIME FAVE  
**little orphan keith:** i love hunk more then aliens  
**the kink man:** hunk is a good friend and deserves love!!  
**literal sunshine:** guyssssss  
**wonderbread:** not that in complaining, always ready to send hunk love, but what's this about  
**dreamworks face:** i was feeling rly down on myself this morning and hunk came over and made me feel awesome  
**little orphan keith:** hunk once gave me the last go gurt  
**wonderbread:** i was super anxious about going to the school with y'all but hunk talked me down and showed me some coping techniques!  
**fcuk:** hunk is a good person who's beauty knows no bounds, inside and out  
**the kink man:** hunk shows everyone around him that there is something to appreciate in the world even when everything seems bleak  
**dreamworks face:** is no one going to acknowledge keiths contribution?  
**the kink man:** just leave it  
\--  
**little orphan keith >literal sunshine  
little orphan keith:** everyone around you benefits from your friendship and companionship  
**little orphan keith:** you are loyal and make people feel welcome and secure where they would otherwise feel alienated  
**little orphan keith:** your friendship mean the world to me and i'm astounded everyday that you want to be around us (me)  
**literal sunshine:** i love you keith  
**little orphan keith:** i love you hunk  
\--  
**literal sunshine >dreamworks face  
literal sunshine sent a screenshot  
dreamworks face:** ho L y shit  
**dreamworks face:** he's so cute,,  
**literal sunshine:** don't tell him i showed you  
**dreamworks face:** i won't!! wow  
**literal sunshine:** you're smiling at ur phone aren't u  
**dreamworks face:** shut up  
\--  
**The Gays™  
fcuk:** well now that's all established  
**fcuk:** we can get back being mercilessly mean to each other  >:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops that was fast


	3. arctic monkeys sounds how stoned sex feels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the kink man: i want a dog  
> little orphan keith: you have a dog  
> the kink man: i want another dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little orphan keith: keith  
> dreamworks face: lance  
> wonderbread: pidge  
> fcuk: allura  
> the kink man: shiro

**The** **Gays™**

**literal sunshine:** so uh  
**literal sunshine sent a picture  
fcuk:** BUN  
**dreamworks face:** BUNNY  
**literal sunshine:** her name is shay  
**wonderbread:** id die for shay  
**dreamworks face sent a picture  
dreamworks face:** FIRST SNOW OF THE YEAR  
**literal sunshine:** stealing shays spotlight i see u  
**dreamworks face:** guys no lie i'm so tempted to just run out in my pjs  
**literal sunshine:** it's never stopped you before  
**literal sunshine:** get properly dressed  
**literal sunshine:** come here and ill take pictures of you in the snow and you can meet shay!!  
**dreamworks face:** WAY AHEAD OF YOU  
\--  
**little orphan keith >fcuk  
little orphan keith:** go to the mall with me  
**fcuk:** while i appreciate using my terf  
**fcuk:** threatening me about "if i hurt shiro" is a little late  
**little orphan keith:** allura we hang out all the time  
**little orphan keith:** and i need your help  
**fcuk:** i'm listening  
**little orphan keith:** i can't think of anything to get shiro's mom for christmas  
**fcuk:** that's so cute!!!! you give shiro's mom presents?  
**little orphan keith:** check the username  
**fcuk:** oh yeah  
**little orphan keith:** h e l p m e  
**little orphan keith:** her birthday just passed so my only idea was used  
**little orphan keith:** ALLURA IM SO FRESH OUT OF IDEAS  
**little orphan keith:** I WAS LOOKING AT SHOT GLASSES ON AMAZON  
**fcuk:** i can come get u now  
**fcuk:** this is drastic  
**little orphan keith:** fuck  
\--  
**The Gays™  
literal sunshine sent a picture  
literal sunshine:** LOOK AT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BOY  
**fcuk:** gOD i love our boy  
**dreamworks face:** guys!! i'm blushing  
**wonderbread:** holy shit our boy  
**wonderbread:** did you edit that?  
**literal sunshine:** no!! he's just that pretty!  
**dreamworks face:** u know who's prettier  
**fcuk:** hunk  
**wonderbread:** hunk  
**little orphan keith:** hunk  
**the kink man:** hunk  
**fcuk:** good of you to join us babe  
**the kink man:** i sensed that hunk was being complimented and i needed to join in  
**dreamworks face:** relatable  
**the kink man:** baby where are you???  
**fcuk:** with keith at sephora  
**literal sunshine:** ??  
**dreamworks face:** ?????????  
**wonderbread:** ???????????????  
**the kink man:** ???????????????????  
**little orphan keith:** we can hang out  
**the kink man:** at sephora????  
**little orphan keith:** i like doing what my friends like  
**fcuk:** <3  
**fcuk:** also keith is christmas shopping  
**dreamworks face:** a little last second????  
**little orphan keith:** i'm bad at it but it's really important ok  
**dreamworks face:** well if you're at sephora;;  
**little orphan keith:** i'll ask allura what you use  
**dreamworks face:** thank u  
**wonderbread:** what do u mean you always kick ass when you get me stuff??  
**little orphan keith:** i get you stuff i want  
**the kink man:** i want a dog  
**little orphan keith:** you have a dog  
**the kink man:** i want another dog  
**little orphan keith:** i love blackie and i love you but fuck you  
**dreamworks face:** keith layin down the LAW  
**wonderbread:** blackie is So Good  
**fcuk:** i want to kiss that dog!!!!!!  
**the kink man:** arf  
**fcuk:** furry  
**wonderbread:** furry  
**literal sunshine:** furry  
**dreamworks face:** furry  
**little orphan keith:** >:)  
**the kink man:** KEITH DO NOT  
**little orphan keith sent a link  
wonderbread:** IS THIS BB SHIRO's DEVIANTART  
**the kink man:** what kind of disrespect  
**fcuk:** i'm divorcing you  
**the kink man:** we aren't married  
**fcuk:** tHATS HOW MUCH FORCE IM USING TO DUMP U  
**the kink man:** keith is dead to me i'm setting his xmas gifts on fire  
**little orphan keith:** knives don't burn  
**the kink man:** STOP PEEKING  
**little orphan keith:** >:)  
**dreamworks face:** what did u get shiro?  
\--  
**little orphan keith >dreamworks face  
little orphan keith:** okay like;;  
**little orphan keith:** u really have to like give me a blood oath of secrecy  
**dreamworks face:** um????  
**little orphan keith sent a photo  
dreamworks face:** is that  
**little orphan keith:** obvi i got him a gag gift too but  
**little orphan keith:** u know  
**dreamworks face:** you're the biggest softie i've ever met  
**little orphan keith:** idk man;; it just seems right  
**dreamworks face:** hell love it  <3  
\--  
**dreamworks face >literal sunshine  
dreamworks face:** do u know what keith got shiro for christmas  
**literal sunshine:** yes!!!! it's so cute  
**dreamworks face:** MORE LIKE KEITH IS SO CUTE  
**literal sunshine:** is that why you messaged me?  
**literal sunshine:** to talk about keith?  
**dreamworks face:** YES  
**literal sunshine:** LONG SUFFERING SIGH  
**literal sunshine:** go for it  
\--  
**The Gays™  
dreamworks face:** holy shit fam  
**dreamworks face:** i gave a blood oath not to tell  
**dreamworks face:** but bb it's Good  
**fcuk:** i know  
**wonderbread:** isn't it??  
**the kink man:** am i the only one??????  
**little orphan keith:** yeah  
**little orphan keith:** they're overhyping it  
**fcuk:** honestly i don't think i'll ever top this  
**fcuk:** i could propose five minutes beforehand  
**fcuk:** and it'd be a side note  
**fcuk:** also i lost keith  
**the kink man:** what  
**fcuk:** he was right next to me?!?!  
**fcuk:** oh  
**fcuk:** he's  
**fcuk:** he's right here ok  
**little orphan keith:** i went to the pretzel stand bc i don't get sephora and we've been here forever  
**fcuk:** were leaving sephora  
**fcuk:** we gotta seriously shop so we're going to disappear for bit  
**fcuk:** l8r  
\--  
**The Gays™  
wonderbread:** matts coming home!!!!!  
**wonderbread:** he just texted me saying he's on his way to the house!!  
**the kink man:** i'm going to steal your brother  
**wonderbread:** ok  
**wonderbread:** he has to be walked three times a day, he has a tendency to wander off and get into very very stupid trouble, and i guess he's vegan now  
**wonderbread:** no refunds  
**the kink man:** i'll treasure him  
**literal sunshine:** i won't  
**literal sunshine:** other then the culinary challenge they serve, vegans disgust me  
**literal sunshine:** they're like vegetarians but worse  
**dreamworks face:** so much hate  
**literal sunshine:** i've never met anyone more obnoxious then a vegan who's chosen it for 'morality'  
**literal sunshine:** fuq them and fuq peta  
**wonderbread:** u go to save the animal shit all the time  
**literal sunshine:** yeah  
**literal sunshine:** and veganism isn't the answer  
**literal sunshine:** better living conditions for the livestock are  
**dreamworks face:** all the little harry potters in their too small cupboards  
**literal sunshine:** GET OVER IT LANCE  
**dreamworks face:** HE KEPT HIM ALIVE LONG ENOUGH JUST TO DIE AT THE RIGHT TIME  
**dreamworks face:** HE ENDURED ABUSE FOR YEARS  
**dreamworks face:**  HARRY JAMES POTTER DESERVED THE WORLD AND GOT JACK SHIT  
**wonderbread:** honestly,,  
dreamworks face: I WOULD DIE FOR HARRY POTTER  
**dreamworks face:** [RIPS OFF SHIRT TO REVEAL MASSIVE HARRY POTTER FULL TORSO TATTOO WITH THE BOY WHO LIVED OVER MY COLLARBONES]  
**the kink man:** i'd be afraid to see lance if he was actually old enough to have been around when the hp fandom was in its hay day  
**wonderbread:** we should marathon sometime soon  
**dreamworks face:** IM CRYING IRL IM GONNA LISTEN TO THE AUDIOBOOKS UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP  
**literal sunshine:** it's the middle of the afternoon  
**dreamworks face:** NAPTIME FOR LANCE GOODNIGHT EVERYONE  
**wondeebread:**  when he's up all night  
**literal sunshine:** he'll call me!!  
**literal sunshine:** i need rest  
**literal sunshine:** we're going to the plane in the morning  
**wonderbread:** oh yeah!! that'll be nice warm christmas  
**the kink man:** oh are u going to hawaii this year?  
**literal sunshine:** yep! staying with my grandparents  
**literal sunshine:** my grandma is the one who taught me to cook!! i'm really excited to see her  
**the kink man:** that's so sweet  
**the kink man:** you're so good and normal hunk  
**the kink man:** i wish the rest of the kids could be like you  
**literal sunshine:** aw!! dad!!  
**the kink man:**  stop  
**wonderbread:** what about me dad  
**the kink man:** go back under ur rock gremlin  
**wonderbread:** i'm more like a dragon  
**wonderbread:** fiery wrath  
**wonderbread:** a hoarder  
**literal sunshine:** shiro their room  
**literal sunshine:** it's so bad  
**literal sunshine:** so cluttered  
**the kink man:** pidge throw some stuff away  
**wonderbread:** shiro  
**wonderbread:** no  
**the kink man:** well i tried  
\--  
**the kink man >fcuk  
the kink man:** hey do you want to maybe  
**the kink man:** spend christmas with my family?  
**the kink man:** obviously coran too  
**the kink man:** it's just my mom and keith these days but it could be fun  
**fcuk:** baby i'm so happy you asked ofc i do  
**fcuk:** how's ur mom?  
**the kink man:** she's good  
**the kink man:** you don't have to come tho  
**the kink man:** if it's too weird  
**fcuk:** no!!  
**fcuk:** i want to meet your mom  
**the kink man:** i love you  
**the kink man:** what did i do to deserve you  
**fcuk:** that ass  
**the kink man:** oh obviously  
**fcuk:** my winter soldier man  
**the kink man:** <3  
\--  
**The Gays™  
literal sunshine sent a picture  
literal sunshine:** flashback friday  
**wonderbread:** wHEN DID U GET THAT  
**literal sunshine:** idk dude it's in a frame in ur living room i just snapped a pic sometime i was over  
**the kink man:** baby pidge!!!!  
**dreamworks face:** oH MY GOD PIDGE  
**dreamworks face:** WHAT ARE U WEARING  
**fcuk:** it looks like  
**fcuk:** idk but it's horrible  
**little orphan keith:** it looks like a racist "indian costume" from halloween but like??? a jumpsuit?? and green  
**literal sunshine:** shit u right  
**literal sunshine:** i hate airports  
**wonderbread:** so u decide to #expose me  
**literal sunshine:** yes  
**literal sunshine:** i would do anything for something interesting to happen that isn't racist  
**dreamworks face:** oh are u too dark for the tsa?  
**literal sunshine:** i'm fine i just hate witnessing it  
**literal sunshine:** it's gross  
**the kink man:** i understand  
**the kink man:** i got so mad the time pidge had their incident  
**fcuk:** omg?? was i around for this??  
**wonderbread:** holy shit u weren't  
**literal sunshine:** it makes my blood boil thinking about it  
**the kink man:** pidge had just started presenting gender non conforming and they were wearing their first binder at the airport  
**the kink man:** their first binder was a bad one so it had clasps and the clasps were detected at their chest and the tsa took them aside for a pat down  
**the kink man:** after the pat down they made pidge wait there, for no reason, making them miss their flight  
**wonderbread:** i overheard them talking shit too  
**the kink man:** didn't they charge you to change your flight  
**wonderbread:** yep  
**fcuk:** IM  
**fcuk:** IM SUING  
**fcuk:** MAMAS GOT THIS BABY WERE GONNA CHANGE THE TSA  
**wonderbread:** lmao  
**fcuk:** that gets me so heated  
**literal sunshine:** yeah pidge kept texting us, letting us know what was going on it was so infuriating  
**literal sunshine:** there wasn't anything we could do  
**wonderbread:** i was one the phone with my mom the whole time after they actually let me go  
**little orphan keith:** honestly it still fills me with rage  
**little orphan keith:** i wanted to go to there and beat the living shit out of the tsa  
**literal sunshine:** he almost did  
**wonderbread:** i went to keiths immediately and we cuddled angrily  
**little orphan keith:** we ate twice our own weight in candy and pizza  
**little orphan keith:** in anger  
\--  
**wonderbread >little orphan keith  
wonderbread:** my fam wants to know if u and shiro wanna come over for the hanukkah party  
**little orphan keith:** fuck yeah  
**little orphan keith:** i got eight little packages w/ ur name on them  
**wonderbread:** i got u a christmas present too!! but u can't wait til xmas i gotta see ur face  
**little orphan keith:** aw what a shame  
**little orphan keith:** i'm psyched tho i love ur family's parties  
**wonderbread:** oh yeah we get crazy  
**wonderbread:** like we're kinda bummed it won't be on any of the nights but this is when matt could come home so  
**little orphan keith:** ofc you guys gotta conform to the christian schedule  
**wonderbread:** ofc  
**wonderbread:** anyway i can't wait to get ignored by our brothers all night  
**little orphan keith:** yep it'll be great  
**little orphan keith:** i'll bring some weed tho  
**wonderbread:** i love you so much keith  
**little orphan keith:** ik  
\--  
**The Gays™  
fcuk:** announcement i love my bf  
**the kink man:** i'm not giving u my  
candy allura  
\--  
**dreamworks face >literal sunshine  
dreamworks face:** arctic monkeys sounds how stoned sex must feel  
**literal sunshine:** i think ur right but the expert on weed and arctic monkeys isn't me  
\--  
**dreamworks face >little orphan keith  
dreamworks face:** does arctic monkeys sound how stoned sex feels  
**little orphan keith:** mmm probably  
**dreamworks face:** assumed you knew  
**little orphan keith:** i haven't had stoned sex  
**dreamworks face:** oh yeah?  
**little orphan keith:** no  
**little orphan keith:** heard its pretty great tho  
**dreamworks face:** you'll have to tell me when you find out  
**little orphan keith:** lmao i'll be sure to  
\--  
**little orphan keith >wonderbread  
little orphan keith sent a screenshot  
little orphan keith:** ?????  
**little orphan keith:** what's happening here???  
**wonderbread:** go with it lmao  
\--  
**dreamworks face >literal sunshine  
dreamworks face sent a screenshot  
dreamworks face:** WHAT AM I DOING  
**literal sunshine:** i'm shitting myself omg  
**dreamworks face:** very helpful thanks  
\--  
**dreamworks face >little orphan keith  
dreamworks face:** i know you love the arctic monkeys too  
**little orphan keith:** i do <3  
**little orphan keith:** is it super stereotypical that i have their album on vinyl???  
**dreamworks face:** yes  
**little orphan keith:** shiros mom gave him this old record player so the two of us went to newbury comics and loaded up on modern music on vinyl  
**dreamworks face:** that's really cool  
**dreamworks face:** show me sometime?  
**little orphan keith:** okay :)  
**dreamworks face:** rad  
\--  
**dreamworks face >literal sunshine  
dreamworks face sent a screenshot  
literal sunshine:** MY MOM JUST YELLED AT ME FOR WAKING HER UP IM LAUGHING SO HARD  
**dreamworks face:** why does everyone think ur the nice one ur just as awful as the rest of us  
\--  
**dreamworks face >little orphan keith  
little orphan keith:** we could go into town and see if we can get any cool secondhand records?  
**dreamworks face:** that's the most hipster thing i've ever heard u say  
**dreamworks face:** my illusions of u as a punk biker are shattered  
**little orphan keith:** remember when i got lowkey arrested for graffitiing iversons office  
**dreamworks face:** there it is  
**dreamworks face:** you say that and i totally forget how soft you are irl  
**little orphan keith:** lmao thanks  
**dreamworks face:** being soft is good!! it makes you so much more approachable and ur much nicer then i'd pictured initially  
\--  
**little orphan keith >wonderbread  
little orphan keith sent a screenshot  
wonderbread:** KEEP ME UPDATED THIS IS GETTING JUICY  
**wonderbread:** when are u telling shiro  
**little orphan keith:** and put up with his bullying? never  
\--  
**dreamworks face >little orphan keith  
little orphan keith:** well ur much less of a dick then i thought at first too  
**dreamworks face:** i resent that!!!  
**dreamworks face:** im v v nice and was always nice to u  
**little orphan keith:** when we met you immediately told me to fight you  
**dreamworks face:** AND YOU HIT ME  
**little orphan keith:** SAYING FIGHT ME IS AN INVITATION TO HIT  
**dreamworks face:** no excuse  
**little orphan keith:** since i got in trouble with school u won  
**dreamworks face:** i didn't get a hit in i think u won  
**little orphan keith:** okay cool i won  
**dreamworks face:** wooooow  
**little orphan keith:** wanna get mcdonalds  
**dreamworks face:** rn??  
**little orphan keith:** yeah i wanna take my bike out  
**little orphan keith:** itching to drive  
**dreamworks face:** okay u speed demon  
**little orphan keith:** you'll be perfectly safe  
**dreamworks face:** can we take our food to the abandoned pool?  
**little orphan keith:** oh yeah that sounds nice  
**dreamworks face:** i'm putting my jacket on  
**little orphan keith:** i can't text and ride so ttyl  
**dreamworks face:** toodles  
\--  
**little orphan keith >wonderbread  
little orphan keith:** were getting mcdonald's and going to the abandoned pool  
**wonderbread:** 6th base  
**little orphan keith:** shut up  
**wonderbread:** don't be silly wrap ur willy  
**little orphan keith:** i'm blocking u  
**wonderbread:** go on ur date  
**little orphan keith:** AHTHSTIKVSJUICS  
\--  
**dreamworks face >literal sunshine  
dreamworks face sent a screenshot  
dreamworks face:** an i crazy or did he ask me out  
**literal sunshine:** idk u should maybe ask him not me  
**dreamworks face:** UGH UR NO HELP  
\--  
**dreamworks face >little orphan keith  
dreamworks face:** ik ur on ur bike rn  
**dreamworks face:** but i'm super sleepy and full of mickey d's and i can see the sun coming up  
**dreamworks face:** so i'm boutta conk tf out but uh  
**dreamworks face:** i had a ton of fun  
**dreamworks face:** night keith  
**little orphan keith:** night lance  
**little orphan keith:** i did too  
\--  
**little orphan keith >wonderbread  
little orphan keith:** ik it's like 5 am  
**little orphan keith:** but u gotta know what happened  
**little orphan keith:** i picked him up on my bike and pidge  
**little orphan keith:** he was so cute he clung to me so tight  
**little orphan keith:** we got to mcdonald's and he had this look on his face getting off the bike like he was so  
**little orphan keith:** like all red and excited  
**little orphan keith:** then we got a ton of food  
**little orphan keith:** like way too much  
**little orphan keith:** we took it to the pool and sat in the deep end and talked for ages  
**little orphan keith:** he was so cute and happy  
**little orphan keith:** i was gonna talk about his eyes real quick but i will not for your benefit  
**little orphan keith:** i'm so gay pidge  
**little orphan keith:** he leaned on my shoulder and i died a little  
**little orphan keith:** he makes me think dumb shit  
**little orphan keith:** we talked about our families  
**little orphan keith:** and space  
**little orphan keith:** and queer experiences  
**little orphan keith:** it was a lot  
**little orphan keith:** the sun is up and i'm full of mcflurry  
**little orphan keith:** i'm going to bed  
**little orphan keith:** text me in the morning  
**little orphan keith:** i'm so gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not as much as a fan of this one;;  
> but all the comments have been so sweet i wanted to get it out and get all this klance out  
> have fun with that


	4. would u fuck a ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> literal sunshine: and a moment of silence for vine  
> the kink man: and those we mcfreaking lost along the way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literal sunshine: hunk  
> wonderbread: pidge  
> the kink man: shiro  
> fcuk: allura  
> dreamworks face: lance  
> little orphan keith: keith

**The Gays™  
literal sunshine sent a picture  
literal sunshine:** B)  
**wonderbread:** wow gloat much  
**fcuk:** i cannot believe  
**fcuk:** you're on a beach rn  
**fcuk:** how warm is it  
**literal sunshine:** its amazingly warm  
**literal sunshine:** i haven't worn shoes since arriving here  
**fcuk:** I SCREAMING I HATE U  
**literal sunshine:** :(  
**literal sunshine:** hey has everyone seen fantastic beasts  
**wonderbread:** ur really asking us  
**wonderbread:** if this squad  
**wonderbread:** hunk where did i meet u  
**literal sunshine:** shut up  
**wonderbread:** no say it  
**literal sunshine:** ;; harry potter camp  
**the kink man:** did u really  
**wonderbread:** yep it was a program at our local summer camp  
**wonderbread:** hunk and lance went twice and i went once  
**literal sunshine:** the second year was more removed from hp but better in like production value  
**literal sunshine:** there was an incident the first year that made them change some stuff  
**literal sunshine:** lance and i Saw It All tho  
**wonderbread:** it was so cool tbh they put us in boats the first day and had us canoe to this little peninsula with a willow tree while all the fireflies were out and that was where we were sorted  
**wonderbread:** lil nine year old pidge was transported  
**literal sunshine:** i remember that  
**literal sunshine:** the first year was much less magic  
**literal sunshine:** we were just put around the campfire and it rained all week  
**literal sunshine:** but that first year we had the actual hogwarts houses  
**wonderbread:** yeah i was confused about that at the time, but i guess some kids weren't happy with their sorting?? they all wanted to be gryffindor or slytherin?  
**literal sunshine:** NO IT WAS WORSE  
**literal sunshine:** THE FIRST YEAR SLYTHERINS DECIDED TO TAKE THEIR ROLE AS THE "DARK MAGIC" HOUSE V SERIOUSLY  
**literal sunshine:** THEY DREW DARK MARKS EVERYWHERE AND CONSTANTLY PRETENDED TO BE DOING BLACK MAGIC  
**literal sunshine:** which worried the counselors but it was honestly harmless  
**literal sunshine:** BUT THEN THey FUCKING J U M P E D A GRYFFINDOR  
**literal sunshine:** me and lance were in ravenclaw that year so like  
**literal sunshine:** we weren't involved at all  
**literal sunshine:** but it was so crazy  
**wonderbread:** WHOA THEY NEVER TOLD US THAT  
**the kink man:** what the literal fuck  
**literal sunshine:** yeah it was so crazy  
**literal sunshine:** so after that they decided we weren't allowed to be canon houses  
**the kink man:** that's insane holy shit  
**literal sunshine:** yeah we were crazy kids  
**the kink man:** how old were you?  
**literal sunshine:** 12  
**the kink man:** ?!?!????!!??!  
**literal sunshine:** ikr  
**fcuk:** what the f U C K  
**literal sunshine:** *fcuk  
**fcuk:** shut the fuck up hunk  
**literal sunshine:** gasp  
**wonderbread:** this colors everything about my hp camp experience  
**literal sunshine:** and santa isn't real  
**wonderbread:** i'm jewish  
**wonderbread:** we all knew santa wasn't real  
**wonderbread:** we just knew we couldn't tell u that  
**the kink man:** did u have a lil jewish toddlers meeting lol  
**wonderbread:** basically yeah  
**the kink man:** oh  
**fcuk:** dont be so antisemitic shiro  
**the kink man:** okay  
**fcuk:** hunk!!! ur solstice present is in transit btw open it on the 22nd  
**literal sunshine:** :D!!!!  
**fcuk:** <3  
**the kink man:** are you having a party that day?  
**fcuk:** yep!!  
**wonderbread:** matt wants to come  
**fcuk:** matt is more then welcome!!!  
**the kink man:** we'll miss you hunk :(  
**literal sunshine:** this just means we gotta do a new years party too  
**wonderbread:** what a shame  
**fcuk:** oh no;;  
**fcuk:** well have to get rly drunk and stay up all night together;;  
**the kink man:** darn  
**wonderbread:** not to be that guy but can lance and keith pls get up now  
**fcuk:** yeah where are they??  
**the kink man:** keith is dead asleep  
**the kink man:** i know he went out in the middle of the night so i'm assuming lance is in a similar state  
**wonderbread:** lmao  
**literal sunshine:** wow  
**fcuk:** why doesn't keith ever get me food in the middle of the night  
**the kink man:** u sleep like a normal person  
**fcuk:**  oh yeah i love myself i forgot  
**fcuk:** speaking of  
**fcuk sent a picture  
fcuk:** thoughts??  
**the kink man:** i'm in disbelief that i'm dating you everyday  
**literal sunshine:** i love the pink makeup and the ears!  
**literal sunshine:** it looks like that's how ur supposed to look  
**wonderbread:** agreed  
**wonderbread:** allura is like  
**wonderbread:** supernaturally pretty  
**wonderbread:** a melanin goddess  
**fcuk:** mmmm yes i thrive on praise  
**the kink man:** i get to kiss that whenever i want i'm so fucking lucky  
**literal sunshine:** oh no  
**wonderbread:** oh fuck  
**fcuk:** um???? i'd like to direct ur attention to exhibit b  
**fcuk sent a picture  
fcuk:** clearly i am the lucky one  
**fcuk:** could wash clothes on those abs  
**the kink man:** um????????  
**the kink man sent a screenshot  
the kink man:** ur follower count says ur the prettiest haha  
**fcuk:** u don't tag ur selfies!!!!  
**the kink man:** pls i don't wanna be one of those buzzfeed articles about "inspiring disableds"  
**fcuk:** yeah :/  
**the kink man:** it's pretty funny to take my arm off in public tho  
**wonderbread:** OMG I HAVE THE BEST STORY ABOUT THAT  
**wonderbread:** so me and shiro are out and someone must've overheard him call me they because they just start in on the "it" bullshit  
**wonderbread:** and shiro just whips around  
**wonderbread:** scar across his whole face, buff af, one armed shiro glaring down these guys  
**wonderbread:** and he starts lecturing but as he's doing it he fucking takes his arm off and just sTARTS WAVING IT AROUND EMPHATICALLY  
**literal sunshine:** NO WAY  
**literal sunshine:** jUST FUCKING RIP UR ARM OFF SHIRO THATLL TEACH TRANSPHOBES  
**the kink man:** am i that physically intimidating  
**fcuk:** babe uve been though war and look it, and ur built like a tank  
**the kink man:** ,,  
**fcuk:** dw it's hot as shit i love it  
**fcuk:** my massive bf  
**fcuk:** carry me into the sunset and intimidate my enemies  
**the kink man:** well i'm glad you like it  
**fcuk:** i ~love~ it  
**wonderbread:** i'm vomiting  
**literal sunshine:** i have to agree this is disgusting  
**fcuk:** don't kinkshame me  
**wonderbread:** kinkshaming is my kink  
**fcuk:** AA-  
**literal sunshine:** and a moment of silence for vine  
**the kink man:** and those we mcfreaking lost along the way  
**fcuk:** shit i'm so in love with you  
**the kink man:** fucc me  
**fcuk:** SHIT THATS HOT  
**wonderbread:** confirmed: mom and dad get off to memes  
**the kink man:** talk dirty to me bb  
**fcuk:** here come that boi  
**the kink man:** oh shit whaddup  
**literal sunshine:** i'm laughing and throwing up  
**wonderbread:** u know  
**wonderbread:** id expect this behavior from lance  
**fcuk:** i love memes  
**fcuk:** lance can meet me in the pit  
**wonderbread:** i'm sure he'll take u up on that  
**literal sunshine:** pls he got over allura ages ago  
**fcuk:** am i not still  
**fcuk:** alluring  
**wonderbread:** LOCK HER UP  
**the kink man:** fuck babe ur so hot  
**fcuk:** shit yeah baby meme on me  
**literal sunshine:** WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US  
**the kink man:** meme me harder daddy  
**fcuk:** wow i'm hard  
**wonderbread:** i think my genitals crawled back inside me  
**literal sunshine:** agreed  
**literal sunshine:** i'm going to go surf  
**literal sunshine:** ha. ha. ha.  
**fcuk:** :(  
**wonderbread:** i don't wanna be alone with y'all so  
**wonderland:** i'm gonna torture my brother  
**wonderland:** byeeee  
**fcuk:** were finally alone  
**the kink man:** oh yeah  
 **fcuk:** according to all known laws of aviation there's no way a bee should be able to fly  
**the kink man:** the bee movie but everytime they say bee i nut  
\--  
**fcuk >the kink man  
fcuk:** shit we are so funny  
**the kink man:** under appreciated in our time  
**fcuk:** they all would've thought it was funny if we were 19 :/  
**the kink man:** ,,, we need older friends  
**fcuk:** we have other friends!!  
the kink man: i mean  
**fcuk:** they just  
**fcuk:** are our coworkers oh fuck our best friends are teenagers  
**the kink man:** wanna invite ur friend and her bf on a double date  
**fcuk:** u know i think i rly do  
\--  
**The Gays™  
wonderbread:** i'm taking a break from my family to watch yuri on ice again  
**literal sunshine:** i'm such s l u t for canonical gay relationships  
**wonderbread:** true  
**wonderbread:** dear everyone calling it yaoi  
**wonderbread:** fuck u  
**literal sunshine:** u know what we should do  
**wonderbread:** i already don't like it  
**literal sunshine:** we should try cosplay  
**wonderbread:** no!!! we promised we'd never be those nerds  
**literal sunshine:** ud make a great yurio  
**wonderbread:** i'm blocking u  
**fcuk:** what's this about cosplaying  
**the kink man:** no  
**fcuk:** b u c k y b a r n e s  
**the kink man:** n o  
**fcuk:** :(  
**wonderbread:** stand ur ground shiro  
**the kink man:** i love my gf but she's not gonna convince me to cosplay  
**wonderbread:** i'm so proud of u  
**literal sunshine:** me and allura will  
**the kink man:** have fun  
**fcuk:** me and hunk will rule the cons  
**the kink man:** ok  
**fcuk:** too much work nvrmind  
**the kink man:** that sounds right  
**little orphan keith:** shiro can't cosplay bucky  
**little orphan keith:** buckys hot  
**wonderbread:** FUCKING ROASTED  
**literal sunshine:** welcome to the land of the living  
**little orphan keith:** thanks i feel great  
**literal sunshine:** really? you ate a ton of fast food and fell asleep as the sun came up  
**little orphan keith:** no i threw up in the shower  
**wonderbread:** -ben, parks and rec  
**little orphan keith:** yes  
**little orphan keith:** but it did happen  
**the kink man:** wow  
**the kink man:** rest child  
**little orphan keith:** nah  
**fcuk:** drink water  
**little orphan keith:** Metal Juice™  
**wonderbread:** what is wrong with u  
**little orphan keith:** i'm lowkey delusional  
**wonderbread:** oh yeah  
**literal sunshine:** wait what is metal juice  
**the kink man:** keith thinks water tastes like pennies or smth  
**fcuk:** keith wtf  
**little orphan keith:** idk  
**wonderbread:** he also thinks his bed has bugs in the summer  
**little orphan keith:** ik they aren't real but i feel them  
**literal sunshine:** have you brought this up to a professional  
**little orphan keith:** i don't see a professional  
**little orphan keith:** i love being an undocumented Neurodivergent  
**wonderbread:** being documented doesn't even do anything  
**literal sunshine:** i'm gonna write a love poem about valium  
**wonderbread:** I HATED VALIUM  
**wonderbread:** I WAS CONFUSED AND SLEEPY ALWAYS  
**literal sunshine:** side effects can suck but i still love valium  
**literal sunshine:** roses are red  
**literal sunshine:** violets are grass  
**literal sunshine:** valium saved my ass  
**fcuk:** u should be a slam poet  
**literal sunshine:** i should  
**the kink man:** roses are red  
**the kink man:** violets are sick  
**the kink man:** zoloft killed my dick  
**fcuk:** seems fine to me  
**the kink man:** this was a while ago  
**the kink man:** it's ok now  
**little orphan keith:** THATS WHY U STOPPED ZOLOFT  
**the kink man:** yes  
**little orphan keith:** gonna vom again brb  
**wonderbread:** thank u shiro meds are bad  
**the kink man:** sorry kiddo i still take meds  
**the kink man:** just not dick killers  
**wonderbread:** traitor  
**literal sunshine:** unrelated: would you date a ghost  
**wonderbread:** yes  
**little orphan keith:** yes  
**literal sunshine:** you guys are very fast  
**little orphan keith:** i would dump a human bf for a ghost bf  
**little orphan keith:** (pretend for a sec i won't die alone ok)  
**wonderbread:** i'd fuck a ghost  
**fcuk:** yeah i'd date a ghost, granted i can see them and communicate with them  
**fcuk:** i'm not kissing the girl from the ring  
**the kink man:** wtf is wrong with all of u  
**little orphan keith:** there is no paranormal creature i wouldn't make out with  
**dreamworks face:** i came in at the wrong moment  
**wonderbread:** lance, date a ghost y/n?  
**dreamworks face:** a normal ghost yes, the grudge/beetlejuice fuck no  
**wonderbread:** i'll suck beetlejuices dick idgf  
**dreamworks face:** gross  
**little orphan keith:** beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice  
**wonderbread:** i'm hard  
**wonderbread:** keith if u date a ghost u might meet zak bagans  
**literal sunshine:** ghost adventures dude?  
**wonderbread:** keith had a crush on him  
**little orphan keith:** no i didn't  
**the kink man:** no i remember that  
**little orphan keith:** mandela effect  
**dreamworks face:** i googled him and he looks like a total bro???  
**the kink man:** he's so dramatic it's cringey af  
**dreamworks face:** u watch?  
**the kink man:** keith watches  
**little orphan keith:** it's good;;  
**the kink man:** ghost if ur here im gonna fite u irl  
**the kink man:** meet me in the pit ghost  
**the kink man** : the pit of H E L L  
**little orphan keith:** i don't deserve this roast  
**wonderbread:** ur right u know who deserves to be roasted  
**wonderbread:** lance  
**literal sunshine:** lance has a nice face ooooooooo  
**fcuk:** lance falls in the background of every video on my insta  
**the kink man:** one time lance broke into our apartment stole our doritos and left without even saying hi  
**the kink man:** i was home  
**wonderbread:** lance still makes damn daniel jokes whenever one of us wears vans  
**little orphan keith:** lance, on multiple occasions, has hit on not single women, moved on to hit on their bf  
**dreamworks face:** hunk gets appreciation and love and i get roasted  
**dreamworks face:** unbelievable  
**wonderbread:** p believable  
**dreamworks face:** i have done nothing  
**the kink man:** u stole my doritos  
**dreamworks face:** i'll get u a new bag  
**the kink man:** party size  
**dreamworks face:** yes daddy  
**the kink man:** DONT BRING BACK DADDY  
**wonderbread:** okay we won't bring back daddy  
**wonderbread:** but u know what squad meme should come back  
**little orphan keith:** dont  
**wonderbread:** wE HAD A BONDING MOMENT  
**literal sunshine:** I CRADLED U IN MY ARMS  
**wonderbread:** [voice cracking more then lances iphone 4]  
**dreamworks face:** don't bring this back  
**dreamworks face:** also leave my iphone 4 out of this  
**literal sunshine:** name a more iconic duo  
**literal sunshine:** [lance and his cracked iphone 4.jpeg]  
**fcuk:** can we all agree to stop typing shit like that out  
**literal sunshine:** no  
**dreamworks face:** replacing phones costs money  
**literal sunshine:** remember when a stranger roasted lances iphone 4  
**wonderbread changed dreamworks face's name to iphone 4  
iphone 4:** wow  
**iphone 4:** and that lady was rude  
**iphone 4:** she knew my name not my story  
**iphone 4:** a story that is: lance doesn't have the money to replace a perfectly good phone  
**literal sunshine:** literally nothing is compatible with it anymore  
**iphone 4:** it texts!!! it has data!!!  
**little orphan keith:** you can't even get the ios updates anymore  
**iphone 4:** WHY IS MY PHONE SUCH A HOT TOPIC RN  
**wonderbread:** fuck i really wanna make a hot topic joke rn but i'm blanking  
**literal sunshine sent a picture  
literal sunshine: ** speaking of hot topic here's middle school keith  
**wonderbread set the group picture  
wonderbread:** thank u hunk  
**little orphan keith:** wow just gonna delete myself  
**fcuk:** i cOME BACK TO THIS  
**fcuk:** ARE THOSE RED STREAKS IN UR HAIR  
**the kink man:** yep  
**the kink man:** they're kool aid  
**little orphan keith:** brb gonna kill shiro  
**literal sunshine:** KEITH HAD KOOL AID STREAKS FUCK  
**the kink man:** i'm being attacked  
the kink man: for no reason  
**little orphan keith:** WHEN I WALKED IN THE ROOM HE PLAYED CRAWLING IN MY SKIN  
**the kink man:** u used to love that song  
**little orphan keith:** ur dead  
**fcuk:** if i remember correctly  
**fcuk:** u had a single day revival for emo keith  
**fcuk:** mcr did something?????  
**little orphan keith:** I THOUGHT THEY WERE GETTING BACK TOGETHER  
**the kink man:** he cried irl  
**little orphan keith changed the kink man's name to snitch  
snitch:** this is why i'm friends w/ ur friends  
**little orphan keith:** fuc u  
**snitch:** [g note]  
**little orphan keith:** :,(  
**little orphan keith:** i actually can play the opening to black parade  
**little orphan keith:** the home i was in while i was in that phase had a piano  
**snitch:** me: can u play literally anything else  
keith: no  
**little orphan keith:** don't out me like this  
**snitch:** um??? u freely admitted to it  
**iphone 4** : aren't u guys  
**iphone 4:** like right next to each other  
**little orphan keith:** yes  
**iphone 4:** millennials  
**snitch:** okay but like  
**snitch:** u guys know u aren't technically millennials right  
**wonderbread:**???!?!?!!!????  
**wonderbread:** BUT MY SJW FAKEY FAKE GENDER  
**fcuk:** yeaaaaah technically only me and shiro are millennials  
**literal sunshine:** ummmmmmmm  
**literal sunshine:** no  
**fcuk:** it's defined as someone who reached young adulthood around 2000  
**fcuk:** that's when y'all were born  
**literal sunshine:** this changes so much  
**iphone 4:** i dub us the lit generation  
**wonderbread:** no  
**snitch:** zero tolerance policy  
**snitch removed iphone 4  
literal sunshine added iphone 4  
iphone 4:** OKAY WOW RUDE  
**snitch:** i h8 that word  
**little orphan keith:** is that because of that one weekend  
**snitch:** yes.  
**little orphan keith:** sorry yall  
the zero tolerance policy is my fault  
**literal sunshine:** ???  
**wonderbread:** ????  
**iphone 4:**???????????  
**iphone 4:** of all people  
**iphone 4:** keith is the last person i thought  
**fcuk:** THAT WAS A NIGHTMARE  
**wonderbread:** i take it u were there?  
**fcuk:** THIS LIL SHIT WOULDNT STOP DABBING AND SAYING LIT  
**fcuk:** LIKE EVERY OTHER WORD  
**little orphan keith:** lmao  
**little orphan keith:** just doing my job  
**little orphan keith:** my job being cockblocking shiro  
**wonderbread:** keith i admire ur dedication  
**literal sunshine:** i can't think of anything less sexy then my so's lil bro dabbing and saying lit so yeah good job  
**iphone 4:** i've never related more to keith in my life  
**fcuk:** it was awful  
**snitch:** it was a nightmare seconded  
**fcuk:** so yeah  
**snitch:** zero tolerance  
**wonderbread:** i think i'm in love with keith tbh  
**little orphan keith:** thanks babe  
**snitch:** >:(  
**iphone 4:** blessed image  
**fcuk:** CURSED IMAGE  
**literal sunshine:** are we saying that about things that aren't images now  
**iphone 4:** yes  
**literal sunshine:** lit  
**fcuk removed literal sunshine  
little orphan keith added literal sunshine  
iphone 4:** keith can we get mickey d's again  
**wonderbread:** yeah keith can u give lance the d again  
**literal sunshine:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
**little orphan keith:** i'm blocking both of u  
**little orphan keith:** and fuck no  
**iphone 4:** i'm hungry :(  
**little orphan keith:** get ur own food i'm still fucked up from last night  
**fcuk:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
**little orphan keith:** NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay,, i wrote this whole 3,000+ word chapter then realized it was unusable because halfway through i fORGOT HUNK IS IN HAWAII RN  
> so i had to rewrite the whole thing;;  
> fuck  
> anyway the best thing about thing chapter is finally changing shiros name tbh i was so done with the kink man


	5. the christmas episode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> iphone 4: how much highlighter are you wearing  
> fcuk: the right amount

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fcuk: allura  
> wonderbread: pidge  
> snitch: shiro  
> little orphan keith: keith  
> literal sunshine: hunk  
> iphone 4: lance

**The Gays™  
fcuk:** merry christmas expect pidge happy hanukkah  
**wonderbread:** thank u babe  
**literal sunshine:** it's cHRISTMAS  
**iphone 4:** FUCK YEAH IM GONNA SHOVE A CANDY CANE UP MY ASS  
**wonderbread:** p sure i've read that fanfic  
**little orphan keith:** u have  
little orphan keith: u linked me  
**snitch:** merry crisis  
**iphone 4:** HAPPY CHRYSLER  
**literal sunshine sent a picture  
literal sunshine:** i'm dreaming of a sandy christmas  
**little orphan keith:** [angery anakin]  
**iphone 4 sent a picture  
iphone 4:** I LOVE THESE KIDS  
**iphone 4:** even if they torture me  
**little orphan keith sent a picture  
little orphan keith:** shiro looks like garbage and our apartment is the least festive place lmao  
**snitch:** hence, we go to moms  
**little orphan keith:** ayami is the best  
**fcuk:** i'm so excited to meet her!!!  
**fcuk sent a picture  
fcuk:** do i look "impress my bf's mom" good or just regular good  
**literal sunshine:** def impress bfs mom  
**snitch:** she'll love you  
**little orphan keith:** ayami will clearly let anyone be her family  
**wonderbread:** seriously if she let keith in  
\--  
**fcuk >snitch  
fcuk:** real talk babe  
**fcuk:** im more nervous then i thought i'd be  
**snitch:** is that why ur dressed so early??  
**fcuk:** yes  
**snitch:** you're gonna be great  
**snitch:** mom will adore you  
\--  
**fcuk >little orphan keith  
fcuk:** you'll be more honest about ms shirogane then shiro  
**little orphan keith:** she's flighty but really warm and sweet  
**little orphan keith:** she loves p much everyone  
**little orphan keith:** shiros right you'll be fine  
**fcuk:** i really want her to like me  
**little orphan keith:** i know  
**little orphan keith:** but we'll be doing stuff so you can take little breaks if you need them  
**little orphan keith:** i do it all the time  
**little orphan keith:** besides shiros present is gonna take up a good amount of social interaction  
**fcuk:** honestly i couldn't be more grateful  
**fcuk:** i've never been nervous about meeting an so's parents before  
**little orphan keith:** our little fucked up family is nothing to worry about  
**fcuk:** thank you keith

 **fcuk:** you actually made me feel better  
**little orphan keith:** no worries lura  
**little orphan keith:** besides she trusts shiros judgement so blindly she's liked datemates that i fucking hated  
**little orphan keith:** i'm much harder to impress then ayami  
**fcuk:** and i locked that down ages ago  
\--  
**fcuk >iphone 4  
fcuk sent a picture  
fcuk:** does this say "hello ma'am please trust your son and pseudo son with me"  
**iphone 4:** wear tights  
**fcuk:** good call  
**fcuk sent a picture  
fcuk:** better??  
**iphone 4:** "hello ma'am i'll have him home by eight"  
**fcuk:** YOUR SON CALLS ME MOMMY TOO  
**iphone 4:** don't say that  
**fcuk:** good call  
\--  
**The Gays™  
wonderbread sent a picture  
wonderbread:** everyone was sending christmas pics we felt left out  
**snitch:** hi matt  
**wonderbread:** he says to eat him  
**snitch:** lmao  
**wonderbread:** ????  
**snitch:** our pms are aggressive  
**wonderbread:** oh good  
**wonderbread:** destroy him  
**snitch sent a picture  
snitch:** keith not looking like a scrub is the new cryptid  
 **little orphan keith:** 1, since when do u know what the definition of a cryptid is 2, fuc u  
**wonderbread changed little orphan keith's name to scrubfoot  
snitch: **???  
**wonderbread:** scrublord+bigfoot=scrubfoot  
**scrubfoot:** oh my god  
**iphone 4:** finally a demeaning name for keith  
**wonderbread:** u need to be vaguely insulted by ur name  
**literal sunshine:** .  
**snitch:** not u hunk  
**snitch:** hunk is good  
**iphone 4:** true  
\--  
**wonderbread >scrubfoot  
wonderbread:** so what is my good lil christian doing today??  
**wonderbread:** mass??  
**scrubfoot:** trying to smoke without ayami noticing  
**wonderbread:** boi  
**scrubfoot:** suddenly i just got hit with  
**scrubfoot:** what if he rejects it  
**wonderbread:** that's stupid  
**wonderbread:** he won't  
**wonderbread:** shiro is super sentimental and will know what you're doing  
**scrubfoot:** yeah;;  
**wonderbread:** ayami's in on this right  
**scrubfoot:** lmao yeah  
**wonderbread:** then it'll be fine  
**wonderbread:** how are you gonna have him unwrap it though  
**scrubfoot:** i got my new id and i'm gonna put it in a little box and have him unwrap that  
**scrubfoot:** technically the item belongs to me but he has a real gift too  
**wonderbread:** p sure he'll think this is the real gift  
**scrubfoot:** well;;  
**scrubfoot:** just in case  
**wonderbread:** you're ridiculous  
**wonderbread:** he's been calling you his baby brother for years  
**wonderbread:** and now you're actually his legal family  
**wonderbread:** i will be shocked if he doesn't cry  
**scrubfoot:** that's what allura said  
**scrubfoot:** she's gonna film it  
**wonderbread:** good i wanna see  
**scrubfoot:** it's so complicated;;  
**wonderbread:** no it's not  
**wonderbread:** ayami loves you and wanted to adopt you right?  
**scrubfoot:** i guess  
**wonderbread:** and shiro will be your legal brother and guardian  
**scrubfoot:** i'm just nervous about the;; guardian part  
**wonderbread:** ayami is great, but she can't care for you at this point  
**wonderbread:** shiros been ur defacto guardian for ages  
**wonderbread:** he's just now recognized by law  
**scrubfoot:** yeah  
**wonderbread:** keith  
**wonderbread:** this is a good thing  
**wonderbread:** he'll love it  
**scrubfoot:** thanks pidge  
**wonderbread:** ofc  
\--  
**iphone 4 >literal sunshine  
iphone 4:** okay like  
**iphone 4:** my family opens our presents christmas eve so  
**iphone 4:** were just drinking eggnog and tia is getting slowly drunk  
**iphone 4:** help she's gonna do all the annoying aunt things  
**literal sunshine:** lmao sucks to suck  
**literal sunshine:** my moms and i are gonna open presents after breakfast then probs go swimming  
**iphone 4:** have i mentioned how jealous i am  
**literal sunshine:** maybe??? allura's been the most vocal about her displeasure  
**literal sunshine:** SPEAKING OF  
**literal sunshine:** she said she was gonna film shiro's reaction to keiths adoption right  
**iphone 4:** yeah!! i'm so excited  
**literal sunshine:** tbh i don't think anything of us are getting something that can beat what's about to go down in the shirogane household  
**iphone 4:** ik!!! i'm so ready with my popcorn  
**literal sunshine:** you and pidge aren't doing anything today so yeah i imagine y'all are on the edge of ur seat  
**iphone 4:** our hauls are gonna look so lame next to shiro  
**iphone 4:** us: uh i got a sweater, a new game, some gift cards  
shiro: i got a brother  
**literal sunshine:** shiro gets a brother for christmas  
**literal sunshine:** the fuck??? tbh  
**iphone 4:** i want keith for christmas  
**literal sunshine:** tone down ur thirst  
**iphone 4:** i'm?? so into him ok??  
**iphone 4:** like i know y'all have memes about us but like  
**iphone 4:** i don't even care  
**literal sunshine:** ugh you're being gross  
**literal sunshine:** i'm disgusted im revolted i dedicate my life to our lord and savior jesus christ and this is the thanks i get  
**iphone 4:** ur not christian  
**literal sunshine:** umm??? my grandpa is here so yes i am  
**iphone 4:** oh i feel  
**iphone 4:** did he just get there?  
**literal sunshine:** nah i'm just being a rude teen and texting while we have guests  
**iphone 4:** lmao me and pidge are gonna be the annoying friends blowing everyone up today  
**literal sunshine:** pls don't  
**iphone 4:** too late i've committed  
\--  
**The Gays™  
wonderbread:** i feel straight up left out  
**iphone 4:** sorry bb  
**iphone 4:** i did christmas yesterday so i have me all day [eyebrow wiggle]  
**wonderbread:** i'd rather be alone  
**iphone 4:** wow  
**fcuk:** okay i'm finally ready  
**fcuk sent a picture  
wonderbread:** very respectable  
**fcuk:** thanks  
**wonderbread:** matt whistled  
**fcuk:** ;)  
**fcuk:** thank u matty boy  
**wonderbread:** i'm not typing what he said  
**iphone 4:** how much highlighter are you wearing  
**fcuk:** the right amount  
\--  
**The Gays™  
fcuk:** ayami shirogane is a sweetheart  
**scrubfoot:** told u  
**fcuk:** where are u  
**scrubfoot:** backyard  
**fcuk:** it's freezing??  
**scrubfoot:**  lowkey the cloud of smoke is me  
**iphone 4:** on this holy day  
**iphone 4:** our christian son, smoking the devils lettuce  
**scrubfoot:** i'm stressed  
**iphone 4:** oh  
**iphone 4:** you guys haven't exchanged gifts yet?  
\--  
**scrubfoot >iphone 4  
scrubfoot:** okay  
**scrubfoot:** i'm so afraid shiro won't react like you all think he will  
**scrubfoot:** what if he's upset by the responsibility we gave him without really asking  
**iphone 4:** it's a responsibility he already has  
**iphone 4:** he sees you as a little brother  
**iphone 4:** shiros gonna love it  
**scrubfoot:** i hope so;;  
**scrubfoot:** thanks for talking to me though  
**scrubfoot:** i feel better  
**iphone 4:** what're friends for  
**scrubfoot:** roasting  
**iphone 4:** okay bye  
**scrubfoot:** nooooooooooo  
\--  
**The Gays™  
literal sunshine sent a picture  
literal sunshine:** christmas haul!!!!  
**wonderbread:** is that overwatch?!?!?!  
**literal sunshine:** yes!!!  
**wonderbread:** CAN I PLAY W U  
**literal sunshine:** yes  
**wonderbread:** bless u hunk  
**wonderbread:** matt seconds  
**literal sunshine:** hi matt!!!  
**wonderbread:** "send him fifty heart emojis"  
**literal sunshine:** awww  
**wonderbread:** matt and i are bored af because u know what there is to do on christmas if u don't celebrate  
**literal sunshine:** nothing??  
**wonderbread:** GIVE THE BOY A PRIZE  
**wonderbread:** did u get my present tho  
**literal sunshine:** yes!!! babe thank u so much  
**iphone 4:** what is it  
**literal sunshine:** oh its a collection of scifi novels we were talks about reading together  
**wonderbread:** <3  
**iphone 4:** loser  
**literal sunshine:** when are u opening ur presents from us?  
**wonderbread:** lmao one from each of u on each day  
**iphone 4:** okay that's pretty cool  
**wonderbread:** ik hanukkah is superior in every way  
**iphone 4:** okay  
**literal sunshine:** we haven't heard from the shirogane crew in a while...  
**wonderbread:** oooo do u think it happened  
**iphone 4:** ALLURA U GOTTA TELL US WHEN IT HAPPENS  
**fcuk:** chill, that's gonna be last in present swapping  
**fcuk:** gotta go i'm being rude  
**iphone 4:** ohhhhhhhhhhh  
**wonderbread:** uggggh  
**iphone 4:** does coran know??  
**wonderbread:** yeah  
**literal sunshine:** literally only shiro doesn't know  
**wonderbread:** we're going out for chinese l8r  
**literal sunshine:** l8r  
**iphone 4:** remember when we put 8 in words ironically  
**literal sunshine:** ugh yeah  
**literal sunshine:** wouldn't it be great if we could stay ironic  
**iphone 4:** whenever i do something sincere i can feel my coolness dropping  
**literal sunshine:** can't lose what u don't have  
**iphone 4:** okay i walked into that  
**literal sunshine:** yeah u did  
**literal sunshine sent a video [0:56]  
literal sunshine: ** mom is literally the best surfer i've ever seen  
**iphone 4:** she looks like she was born in the ocean  
**literal sunshine:** well she's the one from here  
**literal sunshine:** ma's from san francisco  
**iphone 4:** i always forget that  
**literal sunshine:** it's understandable  
**literal sunshine:** we never go to san francesco  
**iphone 4:** also didn't ur moms meet in honolulu  
**literal sunshine:** yeah! ma moved a lot before she married mom so she was living in hawaii for a little while  
**iphone 4:** i love ur moms so much  
**literal sunshine:** yeah me too  
**iphone 4:** i can't imagine having such a little family tho  
**literal sunshine:** that's because every living relative u have is either in ur house or is ur neighbor  
**iphone 4:** lmao truuue  
**iphone 4:** i'm not shitting on little families btw  
**literal sunshine:** ik babe  
**literal sunshine:** it's so quiet  
**iphone 4:** ik  
**iphone 4:** i'm readying my popcorn tho  
**literal sunshine:** same tbh  
**literal sunshine:** i haven't got in the water yet cause i don't want to miss it  
**fcuk:** holy shit  
**literal sunshine:** DID IT HAPPEN  
**fcuk:** yeah  
**fcuk:** that was possibly the most emotional thing i have ever witnessed  
**wonderbread:** DID IT HAPPEN  
**fcuk:** lmao yeah  
**fcuk sent a video [13:27]  
wonderbread: ** oh my god  
**literal sunshine:** i'm crying  
**literal sunshine:** like ma keeps asking if i'm ok  
**iphone 4:** this is the most pure and wholesome i've ever been blessed with viewing  
**iphone 4:** blessed image  
**literal sunshine:** allura were you crying too??  
**fcuk:** fuck can u hear that  
**literal sunshine:** yeah haha  
**wonderbread:** are they okay?? the video is over but they were still crying??  
**fcuk:** they're fine, just talking kinda privately for a bit  
**fcuk:** coran says hey  
**wonderbread:** hi coran  
**literal sunshine:** hi coran  
**iphone 4:** hi coran!!!!!  
**fcuk:** he loves ur enthusiasm lance  
**iphone 4:** ikr i'm so great  
**wonderbread:** okay but shiro literally falling off the couch is #relatable  
**literal sunshine:** tag urself im keith trying to hide the fact that he's crying rly badly  
**iphone 4:** i'm the voice crack in "kogane-shirogane?"  
**fcuk:** i mean i was there i know i was the sobbing gf but  
**fcuk:** i'm the five minute hug  
**fcuk:** coran says he's shiro's initial confusion  
**iphone 4:** fuck yeah  
**wonderbread:** matt says he's the gifts that are completely outshone by this  
**wonderbread:** honestly same  
**iphone 4:** did anyone else cry at keiths lil speech  
**fcuk:** that's when i started to cry  
**wonderbread:** can neither confirm nor deny  
**literal sunshine:** i mean yeah but honestly i cried the second shiro realized what was happening  
**scrubfoot:** hey  
**wonderbread:** you ok  
**scrubfoot:** yeah  
**snitch:** YOU ALL KNEW ABOUT THIS  
**iphone 4:** yeah  
**literal sunshine:** yeah  
**wonderbread:** obviously  
**fcuk:** yeah  
**snitch:** YOU PEOPLE ARE AWFUL AT SECRETS HOW DID YOU DO THAT  
**wonderbread:** most secrets didn't have stakes like this  
**literal sunshine:** yeah this is really important  
**iphone 4:** and we all swore blood oaths  
**fcuk:** i knew you'd cry like that  
**snitch:** fuck  
\--  
**iphone 4 >scrubfoot  
iphone 4:** you should take on of those "after ___ days in foster care i was finally adopted!" pictures with shiro and ayami  
**scrubfoot:** "after 14 years in foster care"  
**scrubfoot:** won't that look  
**scrubfoot:** bad??  
**iphone 4:** no!! didn't you say after five most kids give up on ever getting adopted?  
**iphone 4:** it'll be like  
**iphone 4:** good for kids/teenagers in foster care to see  
**scrubfoot:** shit that's not a bad argument  
**scrubfoot:** i'm not saying yes tho  
\--  
**The Gays™  
scrubfoot:** im so fucking tired  
**snitch:** same  
**wonderbread:** haha you guys should go to bed  
**wonderbread:** you had an exciting day  
**scrubfoot:** sleep is for the week  
**iphone 4:** sleep for a week  
**snitch:** honestly,,  
**literal sunshine:** how'd it go with introducing allura btw  
**snitch:** she was nervous for nothing  
**fcuk:** tbh yeah  
**fcuk:** ayami was so welcoming and sweet i felt a little silly for freaking out the way i did  
**scrubfoot:** she's really great;;  
**snitch:** our mom  
**scrubfoot:** ,,,, yeah  
**iphone 4:** is this  
**iphone 4:** the death of orphan keith jokes  
**scrubfoot:** no  
**fcuk:** orphan alliance lives beyond adoption  
**wonderbread:** orphan keith is funny don't be boring lance  
**iphone 4:** why arent there more orphan allura jokes then  
**fcuk:** i was orphaned as a young adult  
**fcuk:** it's different  
**scrubfoot:** i will never stop  
**fcuk changed scrubfoot's name to keith twist  
fcuk:** honestly i've been waiting for opportunity to change it  
**fcuk:** scrubfoot was disgusting to look at  
**keith twist:** sorry pidgey  
**wonderbread:** u know idgaf  
**literal sunshine:** pidgey  
**wonderbread:** wait  
**wonderbread:** nO  
**snitch:** keith calls you pidgey??  
**iphone 4:** can we call you pidgey too??????  
**wonderbread:** no  
**keith twist:** i am so sorry  
**iphone 4 changed wonderbread's name to pidgey  
pidgey: ** let me die  
**keith twist:** fuck  
**literal sunshine:** that is so cute  
**pidgey:** no  
**fcuk:** this is a christmas miracle thank u jesus  
**pidgey:** ur w i c c a n  
**fcuk:** yeah  
\--  
**keith twist >pidgey  
keith twist:** do you not like pidgey?  
**pidgey:** no no  
**pidgey:** just  
**pidgey:** only from you  
**keith twist:** <3  
**pidgey:** <3  
\--  
**iphone 4 >literal sunshine  
iphone 4:** soft keith strikes again  
**iphone 4:** strikes my heart  
**iphone 4:** keith was so soft today its so cute i'm  
**iphone 4:** lance.exe has stopped working  
**literal sunshine:** that video was admittedly adorable  
**iphone 4:** the video, cute nicknames for pidge, this boy is gonna kill me by being sweet to other people  
**literal sunshine:** you really should say something  
**iphone 4:** i can't  
**literal sunshine:** ugh  
\--  
**keith twist >iphone 4  
keith twist:** in all the confusion i forgot to tell you i got your gift  
**iphone 4:** lmao it's ok u had a lot going on  
**keith twist:** well i love it  
**iphone 4:** really?? i was gonna write gaylien but  
**keith twist:** while i love gaylien, gay for mothman is  
**keith twist:** so good  
**iphone 4:** does it fit??  
**keith twist:** yeah  
**keith twist:** did you knit it?  
**iphone 4:** yeah  
**keith twist:** it's fantastic  
**iphone 4:** nbd  
\--  
**iphone 4 >literal sunshine  
iphone 4 sent a screenshot  
iphone4:** what does this mean???  
**literal sunshine:** he's saying thank you for a really thoughtful handmade gift??  
**iphone 4:** yeah,,  
**literal sunshine:** i know how hard you worked on that i can't believe u said nbd  
**iphone 4:** should i not have?  
**literal sunshine:** idk  
**literal sunshine:** i'm not dating either  
**iphone 4:** right,,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry crisis  
> so that's that lol  
> wrote this rly quick cause i wanted it out on christmas so if it's not gr8  
> sorry  
> also i was thinking about writing some parts (like the shirogane christmas) in regular style as one shots, would anyone read that?


	6. rip in pieces 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fcuk: keith is officially the cutest  
> snitch: :(  
> fcuk: after u obviously  
> snitch: :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fcuk: allura  
> iphone 4: lance  
> literal sunshine: hunk  
> pidgey: pidge  
> snitch: shiro  
> keith twist: keith

\--  
 **iphone 4 >fcuk  
iphone 4:** okay  
 **iphone 4:** let's say hypothetically  
 **iphone 4:** i have a crush on someone in the group  
 **fcuk:** is it keith  
 **iphone 4:** ,,  
 **iphone 4:** yes  
 **iphone 4:** what do i do  
 **fcuk:** okay i can help you  
 **fcuk:** if i won a coworker over in a hospital, i can get your close friend to like u back  
 **iphone 4:** thank u  
 **iphone 4:** don't tell anyone  
 **fcuk:** no worries babe ur secret is safe with me  
\--  
 **fcuk >snitch  
fcuk:** LANCE HAS A CRUSH ON KEITH  
 **snitch:** oh thank god  
 **snitch:** keith thinks i don't know and from extensive experience with keiths crushes i want it to stay that way  
 **fcuk:** oh yeah?  
 **snitch:** he's a piner  
 **fcuk:** that's cute  
 **snitch:** "shiro he's just so cute, i saw him with his dog and i think i might have imploded. shiro i'm so fucked, he smiled at me and i started to sweat, i mean what the fuck right?"  
 **snitch:** along with lots of mr. keith whatever-the-fuck  
 **snitch:** and playlists about his feelings  
 **fcuk:** babe that's so cute  
 **snitch:** you live with him  
 **fcuk:** keith is officially the cutest  
 **snitch:** :(  
 **fcuk:** after u obviously  
 **snitch:** :)  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
iphone 4:** how do they flavor things to taste like marshmallow  
 **iphone 4:** marshmallow is just the taste of sugar at a certain consistency   
**keith twist:** is that true?  
 **iphone 4:** probably  
 **iphone 4:** are we the only ones awake  
 **keith twist:** where's pidge  
 **pidgey:** lmao hey  
 **keith twist:** pidge and i are usually the only ones awake rn  
 **pidgey:** unless there's a mcdonald's run ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
 **iphone 4:** shut up  
 **keith twist:** thank you lance  
 **pidgey:** aw  
 **pidgey:** you guys are cute together  
 **iphone 4:** pidge i'm cute together with everyone  
\--  
 **keith twist >pidgey   
keith twist:** cut it out  
 **pidgey:** why  
 **keith twist:** you'll tell him i like him  
 **pidgey:** yeah???  
 **keith twist:** i don't want him to know  
 **keith twist:** i have no reason to think he'd respond the way i want  
 **pidgey:** so ur just gonna wallow in misery  
 **keith twist:** yes  
 **keith twist:** i'm gonna bottle up my feelings then i'll die someday  
 **pidgey:** that's lame  
 **keith twist:** pidge ur emotionally stunted too  
 **pidgey:** yeah  
\--  
 **snitch >fcuk  
snitch:** he's listening to crush by david archuleta  
 **fcuk:** aw  
\--  
 **keith twist >pidgey  
pidgey:** but you like him  
 **keith twist:** it's fine  
 **pidgey:** what if he likes u back?  
 **keith twist:** bitch where  
 **pidgey:** bitch under all that self hatred  
 **keith twist:** can't see it he doesn't like me  
\--  
 **iphone 4 >literal sunshine  
iphone 4:** i'm watching the video of keith and shiro again  
 **iphone 4:** hunk im so gone for him  
 **iphone 4:** u can tell they're whispering to each other when they're hugging  
 **iphone 4:** i wonder what they're saying  
 **iphone 4:** keith looks really nice too,,  
 **iphone 4:** his sweater looks so big on him and i'm such a sucker for that  
 **iphone 4:** his hair looks soft..  
 **iphone 4:** but he's so bad at taking care of it ik he is  
 **iphone 4:** i wonder if he just uses what shiro buys  
 **iphone 4:** that'd make sense  
 **iphone 4:** how can he be pretty but also  
 **iphone 4:** like the definition of rugged  
 **iphone 4:** it's not fair  
 **iphone 4:** like i know he can fight and build motorcycles and goes camping like all the time   
**iphone 4:** but he smiles and it's like the sun comes out  
 **iphone 4:** and his eyes are really pretty  
 **iphone 4:** anD HE WEARS OVERSIZED SWEATERS THAT GIVE HIM SWEATER PAWS I GUESS  
 **literal sunshine:** LANCE IM SLEEPING  
 **iphone 4:** sorry  
 **literal sunshine:** you're feeling romantic tonight  
 **iphone 4:** he just looked so happy  
 **literal sunshine:** how many times have u watched that since christmas  
 **iphone 4:** idk  
 **iphone 4:** a lot  
 **literal sunshine:** ugh i gotta go  
 **literal sunshine:** we gotta pack  
 **iphone 4:** I CANT WAIT TO SEE U  
 **literal sunshine:** you too buddy  
 **iphone 4:** ur the only person who doesn't use buddy ironically  
 **literal sunshine:** or am i  
 **iphone 4:** THATS NOT FUNNY  
 **iphone 4:** don't do that   
**literal sunshine:** lmao  
\--  
 **iphone 4 >keith twist  
iphone 4:** hey boi  
 **iphone 4:** what's uppp  
 **keith twist:** trapped under blackie  
 **iphone 4:** puppy!!!  
 **keith twist:** SHES NOT  
 **keith twist:** SHES A FULLY GROWN MASTIFF  
 **iphone 4:** puppy!!!!!!!  
 **keith twist:** SHES 116 LBS  
 **iphone 4:** bigger then pidge..  
 **keith twist:** im dyin squirtle   
**iphone 4:** i love her  
 **keith twist:** i need assistance  
\--  
 **iphone 4 called snitch**  
\--  
 **keith twist >iphone 4  
keith twist:** did you call shiro for me?  
 **iphone 4:** yeah  
 **iphone 4:** was that bad  
 **keith twist:** he's teasing me but i'm free so  
 **keith twist sent a picture  
keith twist:** blackie is shaped like a friend  
 **iphone 4:** now that she's not on u u love her again  
\--  
 **iphone 4 >literal sunshine  
iphone 4:** i'm dying rip  
 **iphone 4 sent a picture  
iphone 4: **HES SO CUTE AND HIS DOG IS SO BIG  
 **literal sunshine:** *shiros dog   
**literal sunshine:** and what is happening is keith taking selfies for the heck of it now??  
 **literal sunshine:** he hates taking selfies  
 **iphone 4:** IDK AND IDC IM SO #BLESSED  
 **iphone 4:** is it weird to call a boy curvy  
 **literal sunshine:** not if that boy looks like keith   
**iphone 4:** back off i called dibs  
 **iphone 4:** ugh i'm just  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
iphone 4:** behold the rarest of cryptids   
**iphone 4 sent a picture  
iphone 4: **a keith selfie  
 **keith twist:** wtf  
 **pidgey:** i'm crying  
 **pidgey:** my skin is clear my crops are flourishing   
**keith twist:** lance why  
 **iphone 4:** you look good and no one ever gets to see ur selfies  
\--  
 **keith twist >pidgey  
keith twist:** YOU LOOK GOOD  
 **pidgey:** i saw  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
keith twist:** that's dumb  
 **keith twist:** no one wants to see my selfies  
 **pidgey:** we have a snapchat streak that says otherwise  
 **keith twist:** u don't count  
 **snitch:** if ur gonna call him a cryptid u might as well use the picture  
 **keith twist:** the only pic of me that matters  
 **snitch sent a picture  
pidgey:** SQUATCH  
 **literal sunshine:** did you orchestrate this pic on purpose it looks exactly like the bigfoot pic  
 **keith twist:** no i'm just an irl cryptid  
 **pidgey:** obviously  
 **snitch:** it took twenty minutes to get right  
 **keith twist:** outing me  
 **keith twist:** this is homophobia at its finest  
 **pidgey:** come to my Safe Space  
 **keith twist:** fucc ye  
 **keith twist:** #loveislove  
 **snitch:** u gotta be nice if u want me to drive u to ur safe space  
 **keith twist:** what an ally  
 **snitch:** i'm queer too but i'll take it  
 **iphone 4:** pidgey can i come too  
 **pidgey:** pidgey isn't my chosen name  
 **pidgey:** i didn't know you were a transphobe lance  
 **iphone 4:** pidge, queerest of queers, void gender ruler of us all  
 **iphone 4:** can i come over  
 **pidgey:** ye  
 **iphone 4:** l i t  
 **snitch removed iphone 4  
keith twist added iphone 4  
iphone 4:** STOP THAT  
 **snitch:** stop saying that word  
 **fcuk:** keith ruined it for everyone  
 **keith twist:** allura came here just to roast me  
 **fcuk:** hell yeah i did  
 **fcuk:** fuck that word and fuck u keith  
 **literal sunshine:** needlessly aggressive,,  
 **keith twist:** shiro your girlfriend is abusing me  
 **snitch:** cry me a river  
 **pidgey:** wow  
 **pidgey:** shiro your parenting skills are fantastic   
**snitch:** he's not my son.  
 **keith twist:** dad  
\--  
 **snitch >keith twist  
snitch: **do not  
 **keith twist:** i'm a good kid u wish i was ur son  
 **snitch:** yeah you are  
 **keith twist:** can everyone come over and get drunk for new years?  
 **keith twist:** i can hear u sighing from my room u dick  
 **snitch:** yeah yeah i'll go to the liquor store in a bit  
 **keith twist:** best brother ever!!  
 **snitch:** i'm definitely not  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
keith twist:** everyone come over tonight we're drinking all night while the ball drop is on tv  
 **literal sunshine:** dude!!!! i wanna but i'm gonna be jet lagged af  
 **keith twist:** come sleep on our couch and we'll draw on your face  
 **literal sunshine:** if i can get away from my moms!!  
 **iphone 4:** i'll buy pizza?  
 **snitch:** yes please i'm going to the liquor store rn   
**snitch:** any requests  
 **fcuk:** tequila  
\--  
 **fcuk >iphone 4  
fcuk: **so  
 **iphone 4:** yeah shut up  
 **fcuk:** kiss him  
 **fcuk:** it's perfect  
 **iphone 4:** lmao cool  
 **iphone 4:** i'm an incredibly insecure person   
**fcuk:** no!!  
 **fcuk:** you are also very confidant and handsome and cool and i think things might go your way  
 **iphone 4:** WHAT DO U KNOW  
 **fcuk:** i know keith  
 **fcuk:** i know him very well actually  
 **fcuk:** i'm not saying he's said anything to me (bc he hasn't)  
 **fcuk:** but i think u might have a shot ok?  
 **iphone 4:** i'm gonna have to drink a lot to get rid of my nerves to even hold his hand  
 **iphone 4:** i like him a lot  
 **fcuk:** i know and u should make out at midnight  
 **iphone 4:** that does sound really good  
 **iphone 4:** i'll try my best  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
pidgey: **white rum boiiii  
 **fcuk:** ohhh get triple sec!!! i'll make margaritas!!!  
 **iphone 4:** i wanna do shots  
 **snitch:** i hate all of you  
 **keith twist:** i'm probs just gonna smoke   
**keith twist:** maybe a couple shots but im not getting hungover do not let me  
 **literal sunshine:** :(((((((  
 **pidgey:** keithyyyyy i'll bring sherlock if u let me in on that shit  
 **keith twist:** yes  
 **literal sunshine:** pls everyone don't forget to hydrate/eat  
 **pidgey changed literal sunshine's name to mom  
mom:** fair  
\--  
 **pidgey >mom  
pidgey:** HUNK  
 **mom:** yes  
 **pidgey:** u are missing tf out when does ur plane land  
 **mom:** we're in an awful layover in denver  
 **pidgey:** TELL THE LAKEWOOD LYCAN I LOVE HIM/HER  
 **mom:** k  
 **mom:** what's going on  
 **pidgey:** BOI ITS ONLY 10:43 AND THEYRE GOING HARD  
 **pidgey:** as usual i'm not allowed nearly as much alcohol/weed as everyone else :///  
 **pidgey:** lance switched it off the ball drop to high school musical bc its "troy and gabriellas anniversary"  
 **pidgey:** "and also fuck this year"  
 **pidgey:** they're all yelling fuck 2016  
 **pidgey:** lance and keith are going shot for shot  
 **pidgey:** allura and shiro are making out wow  
 **pidgey:** my innocence  
 **pidgey:** they stopped cause keith pretended to puke and since he's twisted af they thought it was real  
 **mom:** how much has he smoked?  
 **pidgey:** like three bowls?? alone??  
 **pidgey:** from the Big Bong  
 **mom:** holy shit that thing is so big is he ok  
 **pidgey:** he's no lucid at all  
 **pidgey:** lance took all the alcohol/weed from him cause he's basically useless now  
 **pidgey:** shiros trying to get him to eat so he can sober up a bit and he just keeps making noises i think he thinks are words  
 **pidgey:** they aren't  
 **pidgey:** holy fuck lance is so close to him  
 **pidgey:** they're cuddling omg  
 **pidgey sent a picture  
pidgey: **they won't remember this  
 **pidgey:** shiro and allura might not even remember this  
 **mom:** theyd look cute, if they didn't look so fucked up   
**pidgey:** yeah lance is pretty wasted at this point   
**pidgey:** shiro and allura seem to have made up a high school musical drinking game  
 **pidgey:** i don't think there are rules  
 **mom:** ugh this layover is taking 30 years pls don't stop texting me  
 **mom:** everyone in the airport is trying to cobble together an end of year celebration it's so sad  
 **pidgey:** want me to livestream?  
 **mom:** no my moms will see u guys getting super shwasty and not let me hang ://  
 **mom:** they assume cause shiro and allura are grownups we don't do shit like that  
 **pidgey:** lmao  
 **pidgey:** allura has taken to preforming the songs and is trying to get shiro to join her  
 **pidgey sent a video  
pidgey:** i also stole a mixer of margarita >:)  
 **mom:** good shit  
 **pidgey:** SHIRO IS SINGING TROY BOLTONS PARTS HOLY FUCK  
 **pidgey sent a video  
pidgey:** i'm crying   
**mom:** me too  
 **mom:** ma asked me what was wrong and i just  
 **mom:** idk ma  
 **pidgey:** lmao sucks to suck  
 **pidgey:** lance is playing with keiths hair???   
**pidgey:** does lance like keith back fr??  
 **mom:** blood oath  
 **pidgey:** obvi  
 **mom:** yes  
 **pidgey:** omg  
 **pidgey:** idk if keith really knows what's happening tbh?? he looks like he's having an out of body experience  
\--  
 **pidgey >keith twist  
pidgey: **u good  
 **keith twist:** yes  
 **pidgey:** it look you a full minute to type a three letter word  
 **pidgey:** do u need water?  
 **keith twist:** i don't wanna get up  
 **keith twist:** lance so warm  
 **pidgey:** mhm  
\--  
 **pidgey >mom  
pidgey sent a screenshot  
pidgey:** lance so warm  
 **mom:** they're so stupid  
 **pidgey:** allura and shiro are fucking slow dancing i'm gonna vomit everyone in here is being so sappy and cute it's making my teeth rot and fall out of my head  
 **mom:** leith is cuddling and shallura are slow dancing??  
 **pidgey:** don't give them ship names i fucking beg u  
 **mom:** kk  
 **pidgey:** ewwwww shiro and allura went into shiro's room  
 **mom:** they might not be fucking  
 **pidgey:** mmmmm u aren't here  
 **pidgey:** they're at least messing around   
**pidgey:** lance looks rly invested in hsm but keith is just looking at him vacantly  
 **pidgey:** is keith even alive  
 **pidgey:** i pinched him  
 **pidgey:** delayed reaction but he's alive  
 **pidgey:** lmao happy new year rip 2016  
 **pidgey:** holy fuck  
 **pidgey:** HOLY FUCK  
 **mom:** what???  
 **pidgey:** THEYRE KISSING  
 **mom:** WHAT  
 **pidgey:** FUCK DHJZVEJAHS  
 **pidgey sent a picture  
mom:** I CANNOT BELIEVE IM IN DENVER   
**pidgey:** HOLY FUCKSJKJB SHITHS  
 **pidgey:** KEITH JUST SAID I LOVE YOU  
 **pidgey:** LANCE IS CRYING  
 **pidgey:** oh my god  
 **mom:** will they remember this??  
 **pidgey:** i just had the same thought  
 **mom:** my plane is boarding igtg  
 **pidgey:** i'll keep you updated  
 **mom:** thanks babe  
 **pidgey:** they're cuddling and whispering rly sappy shit   
**pidgey:** lance just realized that he's probably blacked out and is crying again  
 **pidgey:** keith is trying to comfort him but i'm pretty sure keith doesn't think this is happening irl  
 **pidgey:** i should break this up l8r  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
mom: **good morning everyone  
 **iphone 4:** hunk  
 **iphone 4:** no no  
 **iphone 4:** phone bright  
 **iphone 4:** loud  
 **iphone 4:** bad  
 **fcuk:** bfkdtbdh  
 **mom:** pidge kept me informed  
 **mom:** sounds like everyone had a lot of fun  
 **snitch:** i blacked out around the beginning of high school musical  
 **fcuk:** same  
 **keith twist:** i don't remember putting that on  
 **iphone 4:** omg keith  
 **keith twist:** i think i was hoping if i drank enough i might die  
 **iphone 4:** what happened to don't let me drink too much  
 **keith twist:** after one round on the Big Bong im your responsibility   
**snitch:** that's actually 100% accurate  
 **snitch:** u smoked three bowls on that thing too  
 **keith twist:** that explains the state of my stash;;  
 **iphone 4:** you were so affectionate lol  
 **pidgey:** oh yes he was  
 **snitch:** PIDGE  
 **snitch:** YOU REMEMBER EVERYTHING DONT U  
 **pidgey:** i do  
 **fcuk:** what happened  
 **pidgey:** halfway through the movie u and shiro left to presumably fuck  
 **fcuk:** that sounds right  
 **iphone 4:** and us???  
 **pidgey:** i'll take that to my grave boi  
 **keith twist:** um?????  
 **pidgey:** i really can't  
 **mom:** no i gotta agree with pidge   
**mom:** it would be a mistake to recount keith and lance's night  
 **iphone 4:** wtf  
 **keith twist:** i don't remember anything oh my god  
 **iphone 4:** i remember??? a little???? but   
\--  
 **iphone 4: >pidgey  
iphone 4:** what happened  
 **pidgey:** i'm not telling you  
 **iphone 4:** .  
 **iphone 4:** did i kiss him  
 **pidgey:** yes  
 **iphone 4:** FUCK  
 **pidgey:** is that bad??  
 **iphone 4:** idk  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
keith twist:** ugh i hate being the one who got the most fucked  
 **mom:** from what i heard u were very cute  
 **keith twist:** tbh everyone seems to like me better intoxicated then sober  
 **iphone 4:** i like u sober  
 **keith twist:** lmao thanks  
 **pidgey:** i love high keith sm  
 **fcuk:** me too!!! what a cutie  
 **fcuk:** before i blacked out i remember keith holding my hand and saying that no one is better for shiro then me  <3  
 **keith twist:** is that real  
 **iphone 4:** i think so  
 **snitch:** yes <3  
 **keith twist:** great  
 **pidgey:** can confirm   
**pidgey:** keith was very affectionate   
**pidgey:** everyone got keith cuddles  
 **keith twist:** oh  
 **snitch:** yeah  
\--  
 **mom >pidgey  
mom: **does lance remember at all  
 **pidgey:** yep  
 **mom:** that makes things a little complicated  
 **pidgey:** yep  
\--  
 **mom >iphone 4  
mom sent a picture  
iphone 4: **that's so blurry what is that  
 **mom:** you and keith  
 **mom:** kissing at midnight  
 **iphone 4:** FUCK  
 **iphone 4:** YOU CANT TELL HIM  
 **iphone 4:** YOU HEARD HOW FUCKED UP HE WAS I TOOK ADVANTAGE  
 **mom:** lance i doubt that  
 **iphone 4:** I HAD TO HAVE  
 **mom:** that doesn't sound like you  
 **iphone 4:** BUT HE WOULDNT  
 **iphone 4:** he wouldn't have kissed me sober ok  
 **mom:** how to you know  
 **iphone 4:** lets not get into my crippling insecurity   
**mom:** LOUD SIGHING  
 **iphone 4:** SHUT UP  
 **mom:** whatever  
 **mom:** you guys owe me drinks  
 **iphone 4:** okay!! we'll get together and get fucked up  
 **iphone 4:** but not that fucked up  
 **mom:** i don't get a kiss :,(  
 **iphone 4:** SHUT THE FUCK UP  
 **mom:** lmao  
\--  
 **keith twist >iphone 4  
keith twist:** do u remember anything  
 **iphone 4:** nope  
 **keith twist:** damn  
 **keith twist:** pidge definitely knows something i don't   
**iphone 4:** who doesn't  
 **keith twist:** wow  
 **iphone 4:** jk jk  
 **keith twist:** i'm sure  
 **iphone 4:** how bad is the hangover you weren't gonna have  
 **keith twist:** i'm dying  
 **iphone 4:** are you eating  
 **keith twist:** two strips of bacon  
 **iphone 4:** Increase Grease  
 **keith twist:** that's what shiro keeps saying but he's just as bad  
 **iphone 4:** i could swing by?? bring fast food or make you guys something greasy and gross  
 **iphone 4:** i feel fine don't worry about it  
 **keith twist:** really???  
\--  
 **keith twist > pidgey  
keith twist:** lance is coming over to make me and shiro hangover breakfast  
 **pidgey:** uve chosen well  
 **keith twist:** tell me about it   
**keith twist:** he's so sweet and cute  
 **keith twist:** and he's so considerate and just nice to everyone  
 **pidgey:** yeah yeah feelings  
 **keith twist:** PIDGE I HATE FEELINGS EVERYTIME I CATCH THEMI FEEL LIKE IM EXPLODING  
 **pidgey:** u r  
 **keith twist:** i'm so shitty at this  
 **pidgey:** i'm sure that everything would be fine if you talked to him  
 **keith twist:** hilarious  
\--  
 **iphone 4 >keith twist  
iphone 4:** yeah no worries!!!  
 **iphone 4:** i'll be over in a minute okay??  
 **keith twist:** you're a god amongst men lance  
 **iphone 4:** ikr  
\--  
 **iphone 4 >mom  
iphone 4 sent a screenshot  
iphone 4:** WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF  
 **mom:** go rescue your boy  
 **iphone 4:** but last night...  
 **mom:** he doesn't remember and i think you're beating yourself up too much  
 **iphone 4:** okay..  
 **iphone 4:** the least i can do is take care of his hangover right??  
 **mom:** sure lance  
 **mom:** did you save the pic of you two  
 **iphone 4:** maybe  
 **mom:** i wish it wasn't so blurry so you can see keith kissing you back  
 **iphone 4:** he was baked  
 **mom:** being baked doesn't make you sexual  
 **iphone 4:** it can!!  
 **mom:** ugh just go to him  
 **iphone 4:** i am   
**iphone 4:** im walking there now  
 **mom:** you're walking???!!  
 **iphone 4:** don't tell them  
 **iphone 4:** i want him to think it's casual  
 **iphone 4:** not like i'm obsessed with him  
 **mom:** which u are  
 **iphone 4:** YEAH OKAY I AM  
 **iphone 4:** I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM  
 **iphone 4:** THE KISS IS SO FUZZY ITS KILLING ME  
 **iphone 4:** IF I HAD TO DRUNKENLY KISS HIM I WISH I COULD REMEMBER IT CLEARLY SO WHEN HE NEVER KISSES ME AGAIN I CAN LIVE  
 **mom:** no one said he'd never kiss you again  
 **iphone 4:** stop it  
 **iphone 4:** he doesn't like me like that  
 **mom:** lance you don't know that  
\--  
 **iphone 4 >fcuk  
iphone 4: **i kissed keith last night  
 **fcuk:** SHIT REALLY  
 **iphone 4:** i barely remember it  
 **iphone 4:** but pidge confirmed it and apparently took a picture of us  
 **fcuk:** that's great!!!  
 **iphone 4:** no it's not  
 **iphone 4:** u heard keith  
 **iphone 4:** he doesn't remember a thing  
 **iphone 4:** he was so wasted i   
**iphone 4:** he couldn't have actually consented  
 **fcuk:** i think he did hun  
\--  
 **fcuk >snitch**  
 **fcuk sent a screenshot**  
 **snitch:** fuck  
 **fcuk:** yeah  
\--

**iphone 4 >mom**

**iphone 4:** side note: no one should be this cute hungover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUUUN
> 
> at the last second i come in with a new year's chapter  
> and its dramatic  
> this is all i got rn but thank you guys so much for all the sweet comments and kudos!!! i live for validation it's like heroin everytime i get a notification


	7. i love death and dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mom: u know what i want for my birthday  
> bad nug: anything!!!  
> mom: u to confess to keith  
> bad nug: anything but that!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mom: hunk  
> iphone 4: lance  
> keith twist: keith  
> pidgey: pidge  
> snitch: shiro  
> fcuk: allura

**The Gays™** **  
iphone 4:** IVERSON GAVE US HW OVER BREAK AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDNT DO IT  
 **snitch:** lmao ur screwed  
 **keith twist:** if iverson thinks i give a fuck about his class he's got another thing coming  
 **pidgey:** honey you've got a big storm coming  
 **mom:** am i the only one who did it  
 **pidgey:** yes  
 **mom sent a picture  
mom:** here  
 **iphone 4:** THA K YOU HUNK  
 **keith twist:** we have such a cool mom  
 **pidgey:** thanks mom  
 **mom:** i can't believe i had a teen pregnancy  
 **iphone 4:** three teen pregnancies   
**mom:** i look great for a mother of three  
 **keith twist:** after all this time  
 **keith twist:** i've found my mother  
 **mom:** son!!!!  
 **keith twist:** why did u abandon me mother  
 **mom:** you were kinda a nasty looking baby tbh  
 **keith twist:** that's fair  
 **fcuk:** what the shit  
 **fcuk:** how dare you speak to my orphan brother this way  
 **fcuk:** our alliance deems that i protect him in all matters  
 **keith twist:** um  
 **keith twist:** on saturday you laughed when i twisted my ankle and fell in the middle of the street  
 **keith twist:** all the strangers were worried and you stood in the middle of the cross walk and laughed  
 **fcuk:** yeah i did  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
snitch:** that disassociation feel when u exist slightly to the left of ur body  
 **snitch:** i was about to say i forgot i had arms but i don't lmao  
 **snitch:** one arm shiro  
 **snitch:** i'm like the shark girl from the early 2000's  
 **keith twist:** except we aren't stupid rich cause u lost ur arm  
 **snitch:** shit u rite  
 **snitch:** i don't wanna be famous tho ew  
 **snitch:** can u imagine me on jimmy fallon  
 **snitch:** jimmy fallon: so what do u do for fun  
me: oh nm i'm like everyone else i watch netflix, hang out with my friends, and stare into space as i'm slowly crushed by trauma   
**keith twist:** jimmy: uh huh,, so ur new movie is coming out about ur life story-  
u: it doesn't have a happy ending lol i kill myself at the end  
 **snitch:** u got me  
 **snitch:** love that gallows humor  
 **snitch:** the guys in iraq "lmao i could always jump on an explosive, i die my family gets rich, really it's a win win"  
 **fcuk:** canukidslightenupmargesimpson.jpeg  
 **keith twist:** nah fam  
 **keith twist:** thanks for not jumping on an explosive btw i'd have go back to the orphanage to be abused  
 **snitch:** np np  
 **iphone 4:** OKAY IM INJECTING SOME HAPPINESS INTO THIS BLACK PARADE  
 **mom:** did u just  
 **iphone 4:** YES I DID IN FACT  
 **iphone 4:** REFERENCE THE EMO ANTHEM BC THATS HOW THEYRE ACTING RN  
 **pidgey:** lmao i love death and dying  
 **iphone 4:** LISTEN  
 **keith twist:** hey y'all when my funeral comes around in five years can u promise not to let lance yell at me for being so emo  
 **pidgey:** i gotchu fam  
 **snitch:** i'll be dead already  
 **keith twist:** yeah probs  
 **fcuk:** u certainly will not  
 **iphone 4:** okay seriously guys  
 **iphone 4:** i know it's edgy and funny to talk about how much you wanna die  
 **iphone 4:** and yeah sometimes i joke  
 **iphone 4:** but i don't think anyone in this chat hasn't struggled with that shit irl and sometimes the way you talk scares me  
 **fcuk:** lance spitting straight truth  
 **mom:** pidge keith and shiro are the real suicide squad  
 **iphone 4:** that's very funny and we'll come back to it but  
 **iphone 4:** i know how you guys are sometimes but joking about being fucked in the head is sometimes rly unnerving for us   
**iphone 4:** us meaning the slightly less fucked half of the squad  
 **iphone 4:** anyway,  
 **snitch:** sorry lance  
 **pidgey:** lmao  
 **pidgey:** i'll do my best boi  
 **keith twist:** okay  
\--  
 **snitch >fcuk  
snitch:** i am having a Moment though  
 **fcuk:** want me to come over?  
 **snitch:** idk if i can talk out loud  
fcuk: i can come over and we can text?  
 **snitch:** that sounds so millennial and dumb but that's kinda perfect  
 **fcuk:** okay  
 **fcuk:** is this okay?  
 **snitch:** i love you  
 **fcuk:** i love you too  
 **snitch:** it's just?? i get so caught up sometimes in my job and keith and you that when i have a second to myself my thoughts just go to the Bad Place  
 **snitch:** you know what i mean?  
 **fcuk:** yeah baby  
 **snitch:** i needed this  
 **fcuk:** what  
 **snitch:** you holding me  
 **snitch:** you make me feel like i could take on anything  
 **fcuk:** i think you could  
 **snitch:** i'm sorry i'm fucked up  
 **fcuk:** when we went on our first date i asked you what you did before you were a nurse and you said that you are a vet and you had one arm  
 **fcuk:** i knew then that you wouldn't always be okay  
 **fcuk:** you know it's fine to not be fine  
 **fcuk:** you're a good brother and a good nurse and a great boyfriend  
 **snitch:** i feel pathetic  
 **fcuk:** i know  
 **snitch:** i think i'm ready to talk though  
\--  
 **mom >keith twist  
mom: **you okay?  
 **keith twist:** yeah fam lol  
 **mom:** :\  
\--  
 **pidgey >keith twist  
pidgey: **gonna go have a refreshing drink  
 **pidgey:** ah bleach my favorite   
**keith twist:** weeb  
 **pidgey:** how dare u  
\--  
 **iphone 4 >keith twist  
iphone 4:** are you okay  
 **keith twist:** shiro was freaking out earlier and his panic usually makes me panic too  
 **iphone 4:** that sounds awful  
 **keith twist:** it is what it is  
 **iphone 4:** if you don't wanna talk about it  
 **keith twist:** nothing to talk about  
 **keith twist:** i'm fine  
 **keith twist:** see? :D  
 **iphone 4:** lmao okay  
 **keith twist:** what is hunks bday plan though??  
 **iphone 4:** i'm glad u asked [pulls out 500 frame slideshow]  
 **keith twist:** wow ok  
 **iphone 4:** seriously tho we gotta rock this  
 **keith twist:** i know  
 **iphone 4:** just a sec  
\--  
 **iphone 4 created TOP SECRET  
iphone 4 added keith twist, pidgey, fcuk, snitch  
iphone 4: **THIS CHAT IS A SECRET  
 **iphone 4:** ONLY US FIVE CAN KNOW  
 **pidgey:** is this the hunks birthday chat??  
 **iphone 4:** yes  
 **iphone 4:** over the years an imbalance has been created  
 **iphone 4:** of hunk doing really cool uniquely perfect stuff for our birthdays  
 **iphone 4:** he really takes our needs into account and makes something memorable and amazing  
 **iphone 4:** and i feel like we've dropped the ball  
 **snitch:** what do you suggest  
 **iphone 4:** slumber party  
 **iphone 4:** i'm getting him a set of tools he's been eyeing and we're gonna fucking cook for him for once  
 **iphone 4:** and i wanna use the projector  
 **iphone 4:** and i   
**iphone 4:** i wanna pull out all the stops but i know what he would want you know  
 **iphone 4:** just all of us together at once, good movies, his fav foods  
 **pidgey:** i'm building him a robot  
 **pidgey:** it's a puppy  
 **pidgey:** i'm programming the ai to love him  
 **pidgey:** it will act like a real dog if it's the last thing i fucking do  
 **iphone 4:** perfect  
 **fcuk:** i'm pretty lost on what to get him  
 **keith twist:** i got him the next set of naruto volumes he needs  
 **keith twist:** buying it was humiliating  
 **keith twist:** a human being saw me buy naruto mangas  
 **fcuk:** i'm so sorry  
 **fcuk:** what does he want rn  
 **iphone 4:** i can send u his amazon list for ideas?  
 **fcuk:** ooooo yes pls thank u  
 **iphone 4: [[link](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)]**  
 **fcuk:** I HATE YOU   
**iphone 4:** lmao i couldn't resist   
**iphone 4:** here it is **[[link](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)]**  
 **snitch:** l a n c e   
**iphone 4:** okaaaaay i'll pm u allura  
 **fcuk:** if you send me that fucking video again i'll murder u  
 **fcuk:** i can't believe lance mcclain is mcfreaking dead  
 **iphone 4:** I SENT IT TO U  
 **fcuk:** AFTER SENDING ME A SOMEHOW WEIRDER VERSION  
 **iphone 4:** hehe yeah  
 **keith twist:** no one trusted lance ever again  
 **iphone 4:** :((((((((  
 **iphone 4:** im a good nugget!!  
 **pidgey:** stop rickrolling us  
 **pidgey:** ur a bad nug  
 **iphone 4:** IM A GOOD NUG  
 **pidgey changed iphone 4's name to bad nug**  
 **bad nug:** noooooooooooooooo  
 **keith twist:** i feel the shitposting radiating off lance rn  
 **bad nug:** yeah it was like a switch went of lol  
 **bad nug:** currently editing keiths one man show  
 **keith twist:** what  
 **bad nug:** t r u s t m e  
 **keith twist:** n o t o n y o u r l i f e  
 **snitch:** wow  
 **fcuk:** wow  
 **pidgey:** are we all wowing the same thing?  
 **snitch:** yes  
 **pidgey:** wow  
 **bad nug:** idk what u guys r doing but uh  
 **bad nug:** this was not the purpose  
 **pidgey:** The Purpose  
 **bad nug:** t h e p u r p o s e  
 **fcuk:** WE CAN HAVE EVERYONE AT MY PLACE  
 **keith twist:** u know what could be cool  
 **snitch:** don't say bonfire  
 **keith twist:** a bonfire  
 **pidgey:** keith its january   
**keith twist:** winter bonfires are a thing   
**fcuk:** i've been to those they're pretty rad   
**fcuk:** the fires so big you aren't cold  
 **bad nug:** that actually sounds like something hunk would love  
 **bad nug:** he loves camping  
 **bad nug:** keith u know how to sleep outside in the winter right???  
 **keith twist:** hell yeah i do  
 **pidgey:** i cannot believe  
 **pidgey:** we're gonna sit in the s n o w  
 **pidgey:** for until keith gets all his feral desert juju out  
 **keith twist:** is that what i'm doing?  
 **snitch:** yeah kiddo  
 **fcuk:** feral desert juju  
 **fcuk:** i'm getting that tattooed on my ass  
 **keith twist:** am i feral?  
 **fcuk:** oh honey  
 **pidgey:** oh my god  
 **snitch:** yes  
 **pidgey:** also cause no one pointed this out  
 **pidgey:** shiro is confirmed for an Old Man  
 **snitch:** ?  
 **pidgey:** he called keith "kiddo"  
 **keith twist:** he's called me kiddo for ages  
 **pidgey:** not in front of me?!?  
 **fcuk:** really??  
 **snitch:** we need to be more affectionate irl  
 **keith twist:** no we don't  
 **snitch:** people have assumed we don't even know each other  
 **keith twist:** so?  
 **fcuk:** i'm still hung up on feral desert juju  
 **bad nug:** i can't leave y'all for a second  
 **bad nug changed keith twist's name to feral desert baby  
feral desert baby:** why baby  
 **feral desert baby:** pidge is a baby  
 **pidgey:** kogane  
 **feral desert baby:** whatcha gonna do pidge  
 **pidgey:** expose you  
 **feral desert baby:** ???  
 **pidgey:** Witness Me  
 **pidgey sent a picture  
pidgey sent a picture  
pidgey sent a picture  
pidgey sent a picture  
pidgey:** checkmate  
 **bad nug:** what  
 **bad nug:** is that  
 **pidgey:** keith being adorable   
**pidgey:** until he notices  
 **pidgey:** then he's feral  
 **bad nug:** brb  
 **pidgey:**??  
\--  
 **bad nug >mom  
bad nug:** ALERT MAN DOWN MAN DOWN  
 **mom:** what happened to ur name  
 **bad nug:** WHO CARES  
 **bad nug sent a picture  
bad nug sent a picture  
mom:** what is  
 **bad nug:** KEITH BEFRIENDING WILD ANIMALS  
 **bad nug:** THATS WHAT  
 **bad nug:** i'm hyperventilating   
\--  
 **TOP SECRET  
feral desert baby:** i'm not feral or adorable  
 **snitch:** i like to think you're better but uh  
 **snitch:** you were pretty feral when we met  
 **snitch:** checked on him  
 **snitch:** he's pouting  
 **fcuk:** he's only a desert baby  
 **feral desert baby:** >:(  
 **pidgey:** shiro unlock ur window  
 **snitch:** holy shit  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
snitch sent a picture  
snitch:** pidge climbed through our window to hang out with keith  
 **mom:** omg  
 **mom:** why????  
 **pidgey:** i can  
 **pidgey:** and i thought it'd make keith laugh  
 **pidgey:** which it did fyi  
 **bad nug:** honestly?????  
 **bad nug:** are pidge and keith beating us in #friendshipgoals  
 **mom:** nah  
 **mom:** they have a lot of catching up to do lol  
 **snitch sent a picture  
snitch: **never too old to cuddle with ur best friend and red the lion™  
 **pidgey:** keith told shiro to fuck off and is reminding him that he "knows things"  
 **pidgey:** it sounded so ominous  
 **bad nug:** that looks like a good cuddle pile idk why keith is embarrassed  
 **pidgey:** it's v soft  
 **mom:** mmmmmm ur making me miss lance :(  
 **bad nug:** babe!!!!  
 **bad nug:** i can come over??? i won't climb through the window   
**mom:** yes please!!! i'll build a fort  
 **bad nug:** FORT  
 **pidgey sent a picture  
pidgey:** tbh queerplatonic is the best??? significant other who???  
 **pidgey:** i don't know her  
 **mom:** ik what u mean!!!  
 **mom:** like when i've been dumped i was sad but i got through it yk  
 **mom:** but if lance left me i'd never recover  
 **bad nug:** baby!!!!!! i love you!!!  
 **mom:** i love you!!!!  
 **mom:** did keith turn his phone off?  
 **pidgey:** were listening to music and he's getting some stuff off his chest  
 **bad nug:** is he ok?  
 **pidgey:** yeah!! just cause it's not dire doesn't mean i don't still wanna listen  
 **mom:** i cannot believe  
 **mom:** the emotional constipation twins  
 **bad nug:** we taught them well  
 **pidgey:** actually u did  
 **bad nug:** ?!?!?!!!!?!!?!  
 **mom:**?!??!????!!?!!!!!?!!?  
 **pidgey:** well we were observing you guys and we wanted something that intimate  
 **pidgey:** we wanted what you guys have always had  
 **pidgey:** so we've been slowly trying to open up our emotion bottles  
 **pidgey:** i'm rly proud of keith he's been so honest  
 **pidgey:** i'm super proud of pidge too and i love them-i stole pidge's phone while they took a leak  
 **bad nug sent a picture  
bad nug:** FORT!!!!!! HUNK!!!!!!!!!!!  
 **bad nug:** but guys i'm so glad you're talking to each other  
 **bad nug:** it might have taken you guys longer but you are so sweet and real with each other u remind me of me and hunk  <3  
 **bad nug:** hunk said he's proud too  
 **pidgey:** im turning my phone off  
 **pidgey:** we just wanna be together rn  
 **bad nug:** that's a good idea  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
pidgey sent a picture  
pidgey:** bf jacket  
 **pidgey:** Best Friend jacket  
 **feral desert baby:** i wanted one too :(  
 **pidgey:** i'm sorry baby  
 **mom:** ik ur pain keith  
 **mom:** i wish i could wear lances shirts and stuff  
\--  
 **feral desert baby >pidgey  
feral desert baby: **same  
 **pidgey:** you're pathetic  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
bad nug:** but alas  
 **bad nug:** all of hunks beauty can't fit in my clothes  
 **mom:** awww  
 **snitch:** is it me or is it a little gay in here?  
 **fcuk:** def  
 **pidgey:** our oppressors   
**pidgey:** the cishets  
 **fcuk:** stfu pidge  
feral desert baby: how dare you speak to my gay brethren this way...  
 **fcuk:** end these kids  
 **snitch:** i've tried  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
bad nug:** hallelujahchorus.mp3  
 **bad nug:** on this high holy day  
 **bad nug:** seventeen years ago  
 **bad nug:** hunk garrett was born  
 **bad nug:** in hilo medical center at 2:46 pm  
 **mom:** lance pls it's midnight  
 **bad nug:** at that moment  
 **bad nug:** the world became a better place  
 **bad nug:** the sun shone brighter  
 **bad nug:** crops flourished  
 **bad nug:** birds sang  
 **bad nug:** all of this  
 **bad nug** : because of hunk garrett  
 **fcuk:** LANCE ITS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT STOP BLOWING MY PHONE UP  
 **bad nug:** hunk shares his birthday with the following people  
 **bad nug:** liam helmsworth  
 **bad nug:** orlando bloom  
 **bad nug:** patrick dempsey  
 **bad nug:** and many other probably cool people  
 **bad nug:** but none hold a candle  
 **mom:** thanks lance  
 **bad nug:** happy birthday hunk  
 **bad nug:** you make every day of my life better  
 **bad nug:** since we were little kids   
**bad nug:** you've looked out for me  
 **bad nug:** and cared for me  
 **bad nug:** and you make me a better person  
 **mom:** lance...  
 **fcuk:** does this have to be in the group  
 **bad nug:** YES ALLURA STOP INTERRUPTING ME  
 **bad nug:** everyone here benefits from your amazing kindness and generosity  
 **bad nug:** you are beautiful and loved  
 **mom:** i'm   
**mom:** lance  <3  
 **bad nug:** i love you so much hunk  
 **mom:** i love you too <3  
 **snitch:** well i'm awake now i guess  
 **snitch:** oh my god  
 **snitch:** happy birthday hunk  
 **snitch:** lance pretty much covered it but as always i appreciate and care about you  
 **mom:** thanks shiro  
 **fcuk:** don't take my displeasure about being RUDELY AWOKEN about you babe  
 **fcuk:** i adore you  
 **fcuk:** happy birthday  
 **mom:** thanks allura  <3  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
pidgey:** birth  
 **mom:** lmao  
 **pidgey:** lance just invaded my home  
 **pidgey:** he's yelling about cake making  
 **pidgey:** i'm gonna help him  
 **pidgey: [[link](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G5KxZ5Lc_YA)]**  
 **pidgey:** i helped   
**bad nug:** PIDGE IS JUST RAPPING  
 **bad nug:** I NEED REAL HELP  
 **bad nug sent a video  
mom: **why don't you come here we'll make it together   
**bad nug:** you aren't making your own birthday cake  
 **bad nug:** and i didn't come here for pidge  
 **bad nug:** i came for matt  
 **mom:** oooooo  
 **pidgey:** yeah matt just got fucking amped  
 **pidgey:** i'm still gonna sit on the counter and bother them   
**feral desert baby:** happy birthday hunk  <3  
 **mom:** thanks keith!  
 **feral desert baby:** i'm cackling at that video  
 **bad nug:** u would  
 **bad nug:** u and pidge are mememates  
 **feral desert baby:** they have good taste  
 **pidgey:** <3  
 **mom:** so whats today's plan  
 **mom:** if ur making a cake i assume ur planning on seeing me  
 **mom:** but no one said anything??  
 **bad nug:** pidge is gonna abduct you later  
 **bad nug:** the rest is a surprise  
\--  
 **bad nug >mom  
bad nug:** i really hope you like your party  
 **bad nug:** i know you don't enjoy big crazy parties and going out sometimes makes you anxious  
 **bad nug:** so it's not either of those things  
 **mom:** i'm sure i'll love it babe  
 **bad nug:** <3  
 **mom:** why is pidge kidnapping me and not you  
 **bad nug:** i'm doing some set up stuff with the others!  
 **bad nug:** btw matt says happy birthday  
 **mom:** thanks matt!  
\--  
 **The Gays™  
pidgey:** thirty years later these goons are done decorating  
 **mom:** thank u lance!!  
 **mom:** thank u matt!!  
 **pidgey:** lance wanted to go fancier but matt stopped him  
 **pidgey:** they don't have the abilities  
 **bad nug:** i wanted   
**bad nug:** to test my abilities  
 **feral desert baby:** hey everything is set up here  
 **pidgey:** got it  
 **pidgey:** get ready to be kidnapped  
 **mom:** i am ready  
 **mom:** liam neeson will come for me  
 **fcuk:** how did his daughter get kidnapped so damn much  
 **mom:** idk i didn't see those movies  
 **fcuk:** me neither  
 **mom sent a picture  
mom:** the kidnapper is kinda rude but it's otherwise p okay  
 **mom:** 8/10  
 **mom:** would recommend getting kidnapped to a friend  
\--  
 **TOP SECRET  
bad nug: **so  
 **bad nug:** bonfire, cake and presents, chilling until we get cold, order dinner, watch the star wars saga on the big screen  
 **bad nug:** all of that is ready  
 **fcuk:** affirmative  
 **fcuk:** coran set up the projector so it's playing against the back of my house  
 **fcuk:** keith and shiro built the fire pit and set up the tent  
 **fcuk sent a picture  
fcuk: **she thicc  
 **fcuk:** u have the cake  
 **snitch:** did u just call our tent thicc  
 **fcuk:** yeah  
 **bad nug:** looks great!!! me and matt are otw  
 **bad nug:** pidge is getting hunk  
 **snitch:** what kind of cake  
 **bad nug:** it's so pretty!!  
 **bad nug:** cheesecake but with that mirror glaze  
 **snitch:** how much was matt  
 **bad nug:** why does everyone assume i'm useless in the kitchen  
 **bad nug:** it was p much fifty fifty  
 **feral desert child:** is that u??  
 **bad nug:** yeah we're in matts car  
 **bad nug:** i'll be down in a sec  
\--  
 **mom >bad nug  
mom: **u know what i want for my birthday  
 **bad nug:** anything!!!  
 **mom:** u to confess to keith  
 **bad nug:** anything but that!!!!!  
\--  
 **TOP SECRET  
bad nug: **allura what did u end up getting hunk???  
 **fcuk:** with NO HELP from u  
 **fcuk:** i got him the mystic messenger vip box  
 **feral desert baby:** i'm drooling just looking at it  
 **bad nug:** that's that texting game right????  
 **fcuk:** yes  
 **fcuk:** play it pls  
 **bad nug:** idk,,  
 **feral desert baby:** i would lay down my life for 707  
 **fcuk:** keith loves a funny man  
 **feral desert baby:** he's a total meme but he's got that crippling depression  
 **bad nug:** that's relatable af???  
\--  
 **fcuk >bad nug  
fcuk:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
 **bad nug:** coincidence   
**fcuk:** still play it  
 **fcuk:** show interest in his interests  
 **bad nug:** fuck  
\--  
 **TOP SECRET  
bad nug: **maybe i'll give it a shot  
 **bad nug:** sounds like i'll like 707  
 **feral desert baby:** he's my fucking husband  
 **pidgey:** im lost but i'm glad ur enjoying urself babe  
 **feral desert baby:** thanks babe  
 **feral desert baby:** where are u with hunk  
 **pidgey:** were pulling into the driveway relax  
\--  
 **bad nug >mom  
bad nug:** real talk  
 **bad nug:** how was it  
 **mom:** i loved it  
 **mom:** was it all you?  
 **bad nug:** well  
 **bad nug:** the bonfire was keith  
 **mom:** but the snow camping and the star wars and the dinner/cake  
 **mom:** that was you  
 **bad nug:** everyone really helped  
 **mom:** i'm so lucky to have you as a best friend  
 **bad nug:** oh stop  
 **mom:** i'm serious  
 **mom:** you did exactly what you knew i would like  
 **mom:** you love big crazy parties and i would have been happy with a big party but you knew what i would want if i was planning it  
 **mom:** you're an amazing friend  
 **mom:** to like everyone  
 **bad nug:** but ur my fav  
 **mom:** oh idk about that  
 **bad nug:**??????????  
 **mom:** you were looking at keith like  
 **mom:** all night  
 **bad nug:** OKAY LATER HUNK GONNA GO REST  
 **mom:** lol ok  
 **mom:** ily lance  
 **bad nug:** ily hunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JUMPS IN AT THE LAST SECOND FOR HUNKS BIRTHDAY
> 
> okay fam i wrote half of this today so idk if it's any good but lol it's Fine
> 
> if you like this fic pls subscribe to the whole series!!! it has out of chat room shenanigans!
> 
> (also i did decide to end this fic once the boys get together. i wasn't originally cause i didn't have a real idea of how i wanted it to go and i didn't have any other fic ideas but now iVE STARTED A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF SO IM GONNA GET THEM TOGETHER AND then maybe return with one shots and stuff so yeah)
> 
> thanks for liking and all the sweet comments it does wonders for my self esteem


	8. that really rustles my jimmies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bad nug: don't you love when shows promise gay shit and  
> bad nug: [clenches fist] don't follow through  
> pidgey: mmmm nothing rustles my jimmies more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bad nug: lance  
> mom: hunk  
> pidgey: pidge  
> snitch: shiro  
> feral desert baby: keith  
> fcuk: allura

**mom > bad nug  
mom sent a video  
mom:** u gazing fondly at keith  
**bad nug:** ITS NOT FAIR THAT HE CAN SING AND PLAY GUITAR AND HAS A MOTORCYCLE AND HAS A DOG  
**bad nug:** AND ALL WHILE  
**bad nug:** LOOKING  
**bad nug:** LIKE  
**bad nug:** THAT  
**mom:** yeah when allura suggested he play guitar i knew u were fucked lol  
**bad nug:** i'm crying  
**mom:** poor u  
**bad nug:** why are you like this  
**mom:** bc i'm not an annoying side character who exists purely to ship u and keith  
**bad nug:** i h8 that trope  
**mom:** me too  
**mom:** let all the characters be their own person  
\--  
**The Gays™  
fcuk: ** what is up my dudes  
**bad nug:** i don't get this game  
**bad nug:** what is happening  
**bad nug:** i keep missing notifications and not getting to chats on time  
**feral desert baby:** you're playing it!!!  
**bad nug:** yeah  
**bad nug:** this yoosung kid never shuts the fuck up  
\--  
**does keith kogane is gay?  
feral desert baby added bad nug  
feral desert baby:** welcome to mysme chat  
**bad nug:** lmao thanks  
**mom:** where are you  
**bad nug:** day three  
**fcuk:** which route tho  
**bad nug:** they haven't told me yet?  
**fcuk:** no like deep story or casual story  
**bad nug:** what is that  
**feral desert baby:** he can't play deep story he just started  
**feral desert baby:** that shit costs mad dollar  
**bad nug:** wAIT  
**bad nug:** YALL SPEND IRL MONEY ON THIS  
**mom:** lol no  
**mom:** keith means the hourglasses  
**mom:** they're the money in the app  
**bad nug:** oh okay  
**bad nug:** also  
**bad nug:** does seven know its a game  
**bad nug:** cause on day one i tried to tell everyone im a boy and he asked why i was playing  
**bad nug:** (it's bc i'm bi as hell)  
**bad nug:** and is the girl a romantic option?  
**bad nug:** she's cute af  
**bad nug:** and i want to save her from capitalism  
**mom:** he's invested  
**fcuk:** amazing  
**feral desert baby:** jaehee is an option!!! the christmas special is more romantic but!!! you can be her gal pal  
**bad nug:** just gals being pals  
**mom:** just guys being dudes  
**feral desert baby:** just dudes being guys  
\--  
**The Gays™  
bad nug:** don't you love when shows promise gay shit and  
**bad nug:** [clenches fist] don't follow through  
**pidgey:** mmmm nothing rustles my jimmies more  
**mom:** throwback memes  
**pidgey:** rustled jimmies is better then triggered  
**mom:** fair  
**mom:** even if u don't care about survivors like  
**mom:** just screaming triggered is obnoxious  
**mom:** not funny  
**snitch:** lol  
**snitch:** im triggered  
**feral desert baby:** okay can i ask you guys something kinda  
**feral desert baby:** not funny  
**snitch:** are you okay??  
**feral desert baby:** yeah  
**feral desert baby:** just  
**feral desert baby:** am i boring?  
**pidgey:** no???????  
**pidgey:** did someone say you're boring  
**snitch:** tell me  
**snitch:** i'll astral project myself to their house and kick their ass  
**feral desert baby:** lmao  
**feral desert baby:** idk  
**feral desert baby:** people just seem surprised every single time i make a joke  
**bad nug:** i think you're funny af

\--  
**bad nug >feral desert baby  
bad nug: **you don't really think you're boring do u  
**feral desert baby:** idk you and pidge are so funny  
**feral desert baby:** allura shiro and hunk are too and like  
**feral desert baby:** everyone acts like it's a miracle when i joke or even smile and it's just kinda  
**feral desert baby:** idk it doesn't feel good tho  
**bad nug:** i think you're funny  
**bad nug:** and you are friendly and smile a lot and  
**bad nug:** you're interesting i promise  
**feral desert baby:** thanks lance...  
**bad nug:** ofc  
\--  
**The Gays™  
mom: ** yeah?  
**feral desert baby:** lmao thanks  
**feral desert baby:** anyway,  
**feral desert baby:** rustled jimmies is way funnier then triggered  
**pidgey:** it rustles my jimmies that you think ur boring  
**feral desert baby:** you rustle my jimmies  
\--  
**The Gays™  
mom: ** is anyone free  
**fcuk:** hunk bb!!! yes please!!  
**fcuk:** we can rent some shitty movies  
**mom:** you want korean bbq?  
**fcuk:** yES  
**mom:** i'm getting an uber to the store then can u pick me up from there??  
**fcuk:** yesssss i love u my son  
**mom:** ily mom  
**fcuk:** momception  
**pidgey:** can the rest of us get in on that korean bbq  
**fcuk:** u can  
**mom:** ye ye  
**snitch:** babe this is so great  
**snitch:** we've been saying we need more dates with the kids  
**mom:** excuse u  
**mom:** i was the date  
**mom:** ur the third wheel  
**fcuk changed literal sunshine's name to alluras bf**  
**allura's bf:** also  
**allura's bf:** you guys should bring soju  
**snitch:** on it  
**pidgey:** liiiiiit  
**snitch:** zero tolerance policy  
**snitch removed pidgey  
allura's bf:** um no  
**allura's bf added pidgey  
pidgey: ** I CREATED THIS GROUP CHAT WITH MY OWN BARE HANDS  
**pidgey:** AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO ME  
**snitch changed pidgey' name to gremlin child  
gremlin child changed snitch's name to ungrateful fuck  
ungrateful fuck:** after i raised all of you  
**ungrateful fuck:** hypocritical gremlin child  
**ungrateful fun:** you're the ungrateful one  
**gremlin child:** lmao ye  
**fcuk:** i arrive at the grocery store  
**fcuk:** redbox: rented  
**fcuk:** hunk: picked up  
**fcuk:** korean bbq: started  
**gremlin child:** i am forcibly removed from the grocery store  
**fcuk:** i love my gremlin  
**fcuk:** they're good  
**gremlin child:** hell yeah i am  
**ungrateful fuck:** i'm picking up the shithead and heading over  
**ungrateful fuck:** should we tell lance and keith??  
**gremlin child:** is keith sleeping  
**ungrateful fuck:** yeah  
**gremlin child:** then fuck him  
**feral desert baby:** i'm not  
**gremlin child:** fuck you  
**feral desert baby:** it's cool  
**feral desert baby:** don't worry about it  
**feral desert baby:** i'm down to chill with myself  
\--  
**gremlin child >feral desert baby  
gremlin child: **you're gonna invite lance over  
**feral desert baby:** i'm not  
**feral desert baby:** i'm gonna put on a rly bad bigfoot documentary and order dominos  
**gremlin child:** fuck that sounds rly fun  
\--  
**gremlin child >bad nug  
gremlin child:** go to keiths when u wake up  
**gremlin child:** were all hanging out without him and i don't want him to feel lonely/jealous  
\--  
**The Gays™  
gremlin child: ** alright np  
**ungrateful fuck:** lit  
**gremlin child:** WHY CAN U SAY IT AND WE CANT  
**ungrateful fuck:** allura were here let us in  
**fcuk:** the password is 62682  
**ungrateful fuck:** thanks babe  
\--  
**bad nug >gremlin child**

 **bad nug:** i'm awake!!!  
**bad nug:** fuck u sent that an hour ago  
**bad nug:** i'm going to him now th  
**gremlin child:** good  
**bad nug:** did he seem upset  
**gremlin child:** nah  
**bad nug:** aw ur worried about him  
**gremlin child:** shut the fuck up  
**gremlin child:** (but yes always)  
**bad nug:** you're a sweetheart  
**gremlin child:** i don't have a heart  
**bad nug:** im at keiths byeeee  
**gremlin child:** I CARE FOR NO ONE  
\--  
**bad nug >allura's bf  
bad nug: **he's SO CUTE HUNK  
**bad nug:** i walked in w/o knocking and he was singing and playing air guitar  
**bad nug:** were just eating pizza and singing but like  
**bad nug:** idk this and new year's...  
**bad nug:** god hunk  
**bad nug:** he's so pretty  
**bad nug:** we also started smoking  
**allura's bf:** that explains ur snap story  
\--  
**ungrateful fuck >feral desert baby  
ungrateful fuck:** you two good?  
**feral desert baby:** <3  
**ungrateful fuck:** oh no  
**feral desert baby:** i love you so much  
**feral desert baby:** youre so important  
**feral desert baby:** u basically raised me  
**feral desert baby:** and i know that wasn't fair to you  
**feral desert baby:** you were so good to me and you grew up so fast to take care of me  
**feral desert baby:** shiro i'm rly tired  
**ungrateful fuck:** i can tell  
**ungrateful fuck:** you'd never be so nice to me  
**feral desert baby:** i love you but im gonna tell lance about the time u ate a glow stick  
**ungrateful fuck:** wow rly feeling the love  
\--  
**feral desert baby >gremlin child  
feral desert baby: **i have an idea  
**gremlin child:** im listening  
**feral desert baby:** we go to roswell  
**gremlin child:** i like it already  
**feral desert baby:** we break in area 51  
**feral desert baby:** livestream the whole thing  
**feral desert baby:** make millions  
**feral desert baby:** get a show on scyfy  
**gremlin child:** i love it  
\--  
**The Gays™  
gremlin child:** i love keith  
**bad nug:** yes!! me too  
**feral desert baby:** what are u guys doing  
**fcuk:** we ate so fucking much  
**allura's bf:** thank u  
**fcuk:** it was so good  
**ungrateful fuck:** bringing some back for you  
**feral desert baby:** !!  
**bad nug:** he just got so excited  
**bad nug:** also shiro is it true  
**bad nug:** u ate a glow stick  
**fcuk:** w h a t  
**bad nug:** keith said you did once  
**ungrateful fuck:** okay  
**ungrateful fuck:** look  
**ungrateful fuck:** why am i always defending myself in this chat  
**ungrateful fuck:** i was drunk out of my mind  
**ungrateful fuck:** and we were breaking open glow sticks to play with the juice like paint  
**ungrateful fuck:** and some got in my mouth  
**ungrateful fuck:** i called 911  
**feral desert baby:** sobbing uncontrollably  
**ungrateful fuck:** and was picked up in an ambulance cause they to pump my stomach immediately  
**ungrateful fuck:** and i was totally shitfaced  
**fcuk:** how much got in ur mouth that they had to pump ur stomach  
**ungrateful fuck:** like a whole stick  
**allura's bf:** ,,,,,,, how  
**ungrateful fuck:** idk  
**ungrateful fuck:** but if keith could like chill on the embarrassing shiro that'd be gr8  
**feral desert baby:** i don't know how to socialize properly  
**ungrateful fuck:** no  
**feral desert baby:** because  
**feral desert baby:** i'm  
**feral desert baby:** an orphan  
**ungrateful fuck:** YOU CANT JUST SAY THAT ALL THE TIME AND THINK ITLL GET U OUT OF STUFF  
**feral desert baby:** lol ok  
\--  
**bad nug >allura's bf  
bad nug: **HE KEEPS GIGGLING AND TOUCHING MY ARMS AND LOOKING AT ME WITH HIS  
**bad nug:** EYES  
**bad nug:** did u know they aren't blue  
**allura's bf:** yeah they are?  
**bad nug:** THEYRE LIKE PURPLE  
**allura's bf:** ...  
**allura's bf:** that's some white people shit lance  
**bad nug:** what is it about pictures with flash that make u look stoned  
**allura's bf:** idk lance  
**bad nug:** when is shiro coming with that bbq  
**allura's bf:** idk dude he's still here  
**allura's bf:** he and allura are making out  
**bad nug:** i wanna make out with keith tbh  
**allura's bf:** ,, ik  
**bad nug:** i keep thinking about new years and it's making me rly stupid save me  
**allura's bf called bad nug [14:56]  
bad nug: ** thank you  
\--  
**fcuk >ungrateful fuck  
fcuk:** come back  
**ungrateful fuck:** i shouldn't  
**fcuk:** ik  
**fcuk:** i wanted to keep going but hunk and pidge were right there  
**ungrateful fuck:** that's part of why i shouldn't come back  
**ungrateful fuck:** hunk is still there  
**fcuk:** shit  
**ungrateful fuck:** when the kids are asleep we could try calling  
**fcuk:** yes  
**fcuk:** honestly tho  
**fcuk:** i'm feeling that but also like  
**fcuk:** i think i'm gone for you  
**ungrateful fuck:** yeah?  
**fcuk:** i miss you as soon as you go  
**fcuk:** i love just being together even if we aren't even talking  
**fcuk:** when you smile at me tension just releases when i didn't even know i was tense  
**ungrateful fuck:** oh well then  
**ungrateful fuck:** i'm gone for you too  
**fcuk:** that and i wanna bone constantly  
**ungrateful fuck:** ik  
**fcuk:** i'm a woman with a ferocious sexual appetite  
**ungrateful fuck:** \- joan calamezzo, parks and rec  
**fcuk:** i was hoping u wouldn't notice  
**ungrateful fuck:** i always notice  
**ungrateful fuck:**  i feel like i shouldn't have left keith alone  
**ungrateful fuck:** i feel like i'm not doing this right  
**fcuk:**  you aren't his dad  
**ungrateful fuck:** i know i'm not his dad  
**ungrateful fuck:** i'm like his brother/older best friend  
**fcuk:** lmao ok grandpa  
**ungrateful fuck:** wow thanks babe  
**ungrateful fuck:** tbh tho all the dad stuff gets me jittery  
**ungrateful fuck:** i don't think i did a good job with him u know  
**fcuk:** i think you did great babe  
**ungrateful fuck:** i love him  
**ungrateful fuck:** i just worry i messed up and five years from now he'll come to me and tell me i did something that messed him up forever  
**fcuk:** i know  
**fcuk:** i don't think he will though honey  
**fcuk:** he knows how hard this is  
**fcuk:** he tries so hard to be an easy kid for you  
**fcuk:** this isn't to guilt you, i'm reminding you how much he loves you back  
**fcuk:** and his childhood will be the thing that fucks him up, if anything  
**ungrateful fuck:** you're right  
**ungrateful fuck:** as always  
**fcuk:** i got a late shift tomorrow i can stay up with you if you want  
ungrateful fuck: yes please  
\--  
**gremlin child >feral desert baby  
gremlin child: **so  
**gremlin child:** what's up  
**feral desert baby:** we're watching legally blonde  
**gremlin child:** is he spending the night  
**feral desert baby:** that's the plan  
**gremlin child:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
**feral desert baby:** Do Not  
**feral desert baby:** i'm prolly gonna fall asleep tho  
**gremlin child:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
**feral desert baby:** shut up  
**feral desert baby:** i'm tired  
**gremlin child:** u slept all day  
**feral desert baby:** yeah but my sleep schedule is so bad  
**gremlin child:** fair  
\--  
**allura's bf >bad nug  
allura's bf: **i think you should tell keith about the kiss  
**bad nug:** haha that's funny hunk  
**bad nug:** if he found out i did that he'd hate me forever  
**bad nug:** i'm scum either way but i'd like to be secret scum  
**allura's bf:** look at pidge's picture  
**allura's bf:** keith doesn't look assaulted to me  
**bad nug:** he was drunk and high!!  
**bad nug:** he was out of his mind  
**bad nug:** no way  
**allura's bf:** i think you are overthinking this  
\--  
**The Gays™  
ungrateful fuck sent a [[link](https://vine.co/v/ixzQUXFpY9h)]  
ungrateful fuck:** real life footage of keith kogane-shirogane  
**feral desert child:** why  
**ungrateful fuck:** exposed  
**allura's bf:** i don't get it???  
**gremlin child:** what does this mean  
**fcuk:** keith are you  
**fcuk:** are you southern keith  
**feral desert child:** i was keeping this lowkey  
**feral desert child:** shiro what did i do to deserve this  
**ungrateful fuck:** uhhhh u ate the last of the mac and cheese  
**feral desert keith:** i don't regret that  
**ungrateful fuck:** if you're wondering  
**ungrateful fuck:** keith was raised in texas :)  
**bad nug:** no  
**gremlin child:** wow keith i knew u loved shiro but  
**feral desert baby:** IM VOMITING  
**feral desert baby:** CURSED IMAGE  
**ungrateful fuck:** pidge that's the filthiest thing that's ever come out of you ever  
**gremlin child:** :-)  
**ungrateful fuck:** fuck u and ur nose smilies  
**bad nug:** okay but here the most important question  
**bad nug:** accent  
**ungrateful fuck:** when he's tired or like beyond distracted it can slip out  
**ungrateful fuck:** he says y'all unironically  
**fcuk:** y'all come back now u hear  
**feral desert child:** i hate this family  
**allura's bf:** do u like country  
feral desert child: do i look white to u  
**bad nug:** anyone else picturing little keith wandering the texas desert  
**allura's bf:** now i am  
\--  
**bad nug >allura's bf  
bad nug: **gay cowboy gay cowboy gay cowboy gay cowboy GAY COWBOY  
\--  
**The Gays™  
fcuk:** all the flannels..  
**fcuk:** i never realized  
**feral desert baby:** i just like flannel  
**gremlin child:** bc u think ur grunge  
**bad nug:** can u ride a horse  
**feral desert baby:** uhhh i learned as a kid but moving around isn't great for extra curriculars  
\--  
**bad nug >allura's bf  
bad nug:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
\--  
**The Gays™  
ungrateful fuck:** matt is roasting me on twitter so here's a fun story  
**ungrateful fuck:** once matt/pidge's dad asked me to come golfing with him  
**ungrateful fuck:** me and matt really don't know how to golf but we thought it could be fun anyway  
**ungrateful fuck:** so idk if u know this  
**ungrateful fuck:** golf is super boring  
**ungrateful fuck:** so we made our own fun  
**ungrateful fun:** including running matt holt tf over and into the lake with the golf cart  
**gremlin child:** I HAVE NOT LIVED UNTIL TODAY  
**gremlin child:** tell me you have video  
**ungrateful fuck:** sam holt is a very smart man  
**ungrateful fuck:** he doesn't know how to work a smartphone to save his life  
**gremlin child:** ik but noooooooooooo  
**ungrateful fuck:** i only have my memories  
**gremlin child:** i just asked matt about it  
**gremlin child:** he said "takashi shirogane can eat a dick"  
**gremlin child:** i'm so happy rn  
**ungrateful fuck:** ur welcome  
**gremlin fuck:** you yelled witness me while you did it????  
**ungrateful fuck:** i might have  
**ungrateful fuck:** i yelled a lot of things  
**gremlin child:** keith can we trade brothers  
**feral desert baby:** but then i have matt  
**feral desert baby:** so no  
**gremlin child:** IM LAUGHING HES SO OFFENDED  
**gremlin child:** "well fuck u too kogane"  
**feral desert baby:** matt  
**feral desert baby:** you forget  
**feral desert baby:** pidge and shiro aren't the only ones who witnessed ur brony phase  
**gremlin child:** look kogane you can eat my entire ass  
**gremlin child:** i remember you then too  
**feral desert baby:** i was a child  
**feral desert baby:** you should have known better  
**gremlin child:** fuuuuuck  
**gremlin child:** CAN PEOPLE DO ME A FAVOR AND TELL ME WHEN MY BROTHER FUCKING STEALS MY PHONE  
**feral desert baby:** lol bye matt  
**ungrateful fuck:** lmao he deleted the tweets  
**ungrateful fuck:** i thought so binch  
**bad nug:** what have i walked into  
**gremlin child:** a matt roast  
**bad nug:** the most accident prone mf  
**gremlin child:** basically  
**bad nug:** i know you love those peas dad  
**gremlin child:** HE LOV THOS PEAS  
**ungrateful fuck:** nO  
**ungrateful fuck:** DONT BRING BACK BAD MEMES  
**gremlin child:** u know what other squad meme we let die  
**feral desert baby:** Do Not  
**ungrateful fuck:** we had a bonding moment!! i cradled you in my aRMs  
**gremlin child:** holy shit  
**gremlin child:** idk how to type out the voice crack but u did it  
 **ungrateful fuck:** keiths voice crack is my lifeblood  
**ungrateful fuck:** it sustains me  
**gremlin child sent a[picture](http://www.wpclipart.com/household/baby_related/cradle.png)  
feral desert baby:** i hate this family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the glow stick thing is a true story
> 
> the golf story is from a post by klancing on tumblr 
> 
> sorry it's late and bad but sometimes life is Bad!!!!! and it's hard to be funny!!!


	9. keith kogane and the terrible horrible no good very bad day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bad nug: beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice  
> gremlin child: i came  
> bad nug: is beetlejuice ur daddy  
> feral desert baby: i came into this chat bc u need to stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feral desert baby: keith  
> gremlin child: pidge  
> ungrateful fuck: shiro  
> fcuk: allura  
> allura's bf:hunk  
> bad nug: lance  
> and introducing  
> triangle fucker: matt

**gremlin child > feral desert baby  
gremlin child:** ik ur crushing hard  
**gremlin child:** buT U GOTTA MAKE TIME FOR UR PLATONIC LIFE PARTNER  
**feral desert baby:**!!!!!  
**feral desert baby:** pid are you mad at me  
**gremlin child:** no  
**gremlin child:** i just  
**gremlin child:** miss you  
**feral desert baby:** i'm coming over right now  
**gremlin child:** matt is here avoid him  
**feral desert baby:** noted  
\--  
**ungrateful fuck > triangle fucker  
ungrateful fuck: **do u have my little brother?  
**triangle fucker:** yes  
**triangle fucker:** i think he's talking about feelings with pidge  
**ungrateful fuck:** wanna get drunk with allura and me  
**triangle fucker:** are you guys gonna get wasted then start making out  
**triangle fucker:** i n m y l a p  
**ungrateful fuck:** well if ur gonna be a dick about it  
**triangle fucker:** maybe don't whip ur fucking dick out next time we chill with your gf  
**ungrateful fuck:** u wish u saw my dick  
**triangle fucker:** can neither confirm nor deny  
**ungrateful fuck:** ur nasty lmao  
**triangle fucker:** boi i love to be disgusting  
**ungrateful fuck:** too bad ur too chickenshit to be gross irl  
**triangle fucker:** uM RUDE  
**ungrateful fuck:** EVERYTIME WE GO OUT IM THE HOTTEST WINGMAN AROUND AND WHAT DO U DO WITH MY GIFTS  
**ungrateful fuck:** NOTHING  
**triangle fucker:** look,, bill cipher is enough for me,  
**ungrateful fuck:** i've heard enough  
**triangle fucker:** U CANT ESCAPE THE TRUTH  
**triangle fucker:** THAT ATTITUDE IS HOT AF  
**ungrateful fuck:** HES A T R I A N G L E  
**triangle fucker:** AH~ THE SCALENE TRIANGLE~  
**ungrateful fuck:** fucking blocked  
**ungrateful fuck:** wanted: new best friend who doesn't jerk it to triangles  
**triangle fucker:** ud never replace me ;)))  
**ungrateful fuck:** literally watch me  
**triangle fucker:** i can't literally watch u i can't see u  
**ungrateful fuck:** besides i've had keith way longer then i've had u  
**triangle fucker:** KEITH IS SIXTEEN AND CURRENTLY IN A BUNK BED FORT THROWING POPCORN AT MY BABY SIBLING  
**ungrateful fuck:** lmao good  
**ungrateful fuck:** pidge is a little shithead  
**triangle fucker:** u know the only reason u haven't added me to ur group chat is bc i Expose u as the least dad  
**ungrateful fuck:** yeah there's a reason you and i don't chill with our siblings while we're with each other dumbfuck  
**triangle fucker:** i want mcnuggies  
**ungrateful fuck:** i,, uH, WANT ALL OF YOUR CHICKEN NUGGETS, lIKE JUST, uH, PUT THEM IN A BIG BAG  
**triangle fucker:** i cannot believe  
**triangle fucker:** ur fucking blocked  
**triangle fucker:** don't bring that stain back on my life  
**ungrateful fuck:** okay but you have homestuck added on snapchat tho  
**triangle fucker:** shut the fuck up shiro  
\--  
**bad nug > allura's bf**  
 **bad nug:** bad day  
**bad nug:** are you free?  
**allura's bf:** i'm not...  
**allura's bf:** i'm babysitting for my neighbor..  
**bad nug:** it's okay  
**allura's bf:** are you sure?  
**bad nug:** yeah yeah i'll be okay  
\--  
**bad nug >gremlin child**  
 **bad nug:** did you actually see me kiss keith  
**gremlin child:** no i was so pissed i looked away for a second then you guys were like sucking face  
 **gremlin child:** lmao poor keith  
 **gremlin child:** i can't believe he doesn't remember  
**gremlin child:** well that's a lie  
**gremlin child:** i can he was toasted  
**gremlin child:** but just his luck to be blackout drunk for his first kiss  
**bad nug:** HDIENUDJAGSDJ  
**bad nug:** FIRST?!!?!!?!?!??!?  
**gremlin child:** shit did u not know that?  
**gremlin child:** pls don't tell keith i told you he's highkey embarrassed he hasn't kissed anyone  
**gremlin child:** that he knows of lol  
**bad nug:** PIDGE  
**bad nug:** DO YOU SEE HOW MAYBE THAT MAKES ME FEEL  
**gremlin child:** oh  
**gremlin child:** dude just come clean i promise it'll be fine  
**bad nug:** YOURE NOT THE ONE WHO SEXUALLY ASSAULTED KEITH  
**gremlin child:** is that what you've been thinking??  
**gremlin child:** you definitely need to talk  
**bad nug:** WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY  
**bad nug:** oh hey keith remember when i said i was blackout drunk on new years? yeah i lied to you, because turns out i made you kiss me!!!  
**gremlin child:** holy shit  
\--  
**gremlin child > allura's bf**  
 **gremlin child sent a screenshot**  
 **gremlin child:** my bestie is better  
**gremlin child:** he isn't a fucking drama queen  
**allura's bf:** i'm sighing irl  
**allura's bf:** i swear sometimes he drags this shit out for the drama  
**allura's bf:** not this though, he's genuinely really upset by this  
**gremlin child:** i can tell  
\--  
**bad nug > gremlin child**  
 **bad nug:** pidge!!!! i don't know what to do!!!!!!!  
**gremlin child:** talk to him yourself  
**gremlin child:** i'm with him irl right now  
**bad nug:** AHDJEHAKAHEKSHD  
\--  
**bad nug > fcuk**  
 **bad nug:** lura  
**bad nug:** i need your wine aunt wisdom  
**fcuk:** i'm here nephew  
**bad nug:** i did something really bad then i lied about it and i feel so guilty but it's actually like not hurting anyone rn  
**fcuk:** is this about keith  
**bad nug:** yes  
**fcuk:** do you want to spend the day here?  
**fcuk:** these kind of moral dilemmas aren't my forte but coran can probably help  
**fcuk:** and we can drink and make brownies  
**bad nug:** that sounds perfect  
**bad nug:** my mom is gonna drop me off okay?  
**fcuk:** okay! say hi for me!  
**bad nug:** okay  
**bad nug:** thank you for this  
**fcuk:** living up to my wine aunt title  
**fcuk:** loving but possibly bad advice  
**bad nug:** <3  
\--  
**ungrateful fuck > fcuk**  
 **ungrateful fuck:** hey do you wanna meet up with me and matt?  
**fcuk:** it's okay babe have ur boy time  
**ungrateful fuck:** boy time isn't as fun without u  
**fcuk:** u flatter me  <3  
**fcuk:** but i actually have my hands full with a very emotional lance  
**ungrateful fuck:** is everything okay?  
**fcuk:** lmao yeah hes too sweet for his own good  
**ungrateful fuck:** that's true  
**ungrateful fuck:** we don't give lance enough credit sometimes  
**fcuk:** i love him  
**fcuk:** even when he sits on my kitchen island covered in brownie batter crying about a boy  
**ungrateful fuck:** suddenly hanging out with another adult seems so nice  
**fcuk:** oh well then u and mattie better go find some  
**ungrateful fuck:** okay r00d  
**fcuk:** ;*  
**ungrateful fuck:** >:*  
**fcuk:** is that an angry kiss  
**ungrateful fuck:** yes  
**fcuk:** im lov u  
**ungrateful fuck:** i'm lov u  
**fcuk:** damn  
**fcuk:** you and i werent this dramatic when we got together  
**ungrateful fuck:** yeah  
**ungrateful fuck:** im not getting in the middle of this though  
**fcuk:** i'll tell you when lance texts keith so u can prepare for the teenager bomb that's about to hit ur apartment  
**ungrateful fuck:** thanks baby  
**fcuk:** ofc babe  
**ungrateful fuck:** i'm so glad i have you  
 **fcuk:** for the teenage weather reports  
**ungrateful fuck:** exclusively  
\--  
**feral desert baby > bad nug**  
 **feral desert baby:** hey :)  
\--  
**feral desert baby > bad nug**  
 **feral desert baby:** are you ghosting me?  
**feral desert baby:** ur seen notification is on dude  
\--  
**feral desert baby > allura's bf**  
 **feral desert baby:** is lance around  
**allura's bf:** i think he's at allura's  
**allura's bf:** why  
**feral desert baby:** he won't text me back?  
**feral desert baby:** like he's seeing my texts but he won't answer?  
**feral desert baby:** is he mad at me???  
**allura's bf:** he's not mad  
**allura's bf:** i think he's having a bad day  
**feral desert baby:** oh okay  
**feral desert baby:** it's just  
**feral desert baby:** tbh weve been texting a lot lately is it's become unusual to not  
**allura's bf:** sorry :(  
**feral desert baby:** it's cool  
**feral desert baby:** i'm just doing my clingy thing lol  
**allura's bf:** everyone loves you and wants you here  <3  
\--  
**allura's bf > bad nug**  
 **allura's bf:** text keith back  
**bad nug:** hahahahahahahahhahaha what  
**allura's bf:** he just texted me asking if u were mad at him  
**allura's bf:** you can't just avoid him  
**bad nug:** hunk you are the light of my life ok  
**bad nug:** but i AM FREAKING oUT  
**bad nug:** I AM A BAD PERSON  
**bad nug:** HE WAS TOO WASTED TO CONSENT  
**allura's bf:** first of all  
**allura's bf:** it was just a kiss  
**allura's bf:** second  
**allura's bf:** from what i understand he was kissing u back  
**bad nug:** irrelevant  
**allura's bf:** relevant!  
**allura's bf:** also avoiding keith is like  
**allura's bf:** his nightmare  
**allura's bf:** remember???? when he got all freaked it bc he thought shiro was pulling away from him???  
**bad nug:** UGH IK  
\--  
**bad nug > feral desert baby**  
 **bad nug:** hey dude i'm sorry i'm not ghosting you i'm just chilling with lura today  
**feral desert baby:** okay sorry  
\--  
**gremlin child > bad nug**  
 **gremlin child:** hey!!!  
**gremlin child:** you're making keith paranoid  
**bad nug:** what??? how  
**gremlin child:** u know he's irrational about this stuff  
**gremlin child:** he's telling me rn that he knows he's being stupid but he just  
**gremlin child:** wow that's crazy private i can't tell u that sorry  
**bad nug:** i get it i'm just!!! i'm sorry  
**gremlin child:** trust me he knows  
\--  
**feral desert baby > ungrateful fuck**  
 **feral desert baby:** hey put on ur kind and understanding big bro hat  
**ungrateful fuck:** big bro mode engaged  
**ungrateful fuck:** what's going on  
**ungrateful fuck:** fyi i might not be great at this rn bc matt and i are  
**feral desert baby:** i get the picture  
**feral desert baby:** i'm just kinda freaking out  
**feral desert baby:** u know how i hate texting first and if you don't text me every hour or so i get nervous that u secretly hate me and are going to leave me someday  
**ungrateful fuck:** yeah?  
**feral desert baby:** that's it  
**ungrateful fuck:** kiddo i don't know what to tell you we haven't talked about before  
**ungrateful fuck:** you know your fear is irrational bc you're afraid of abandonment  
**ungrateful fuck:** not without reason but  
**ungrateful fuck:** no one in this group is going to freeze you out or just get up and leave one day  
**feral desert baby:** i can't believe i'm a "my dad went out for cigarettes" kid  
**ungrateful fuck:** honestly neither can i sometimes  
**ungrateful fuck:** cause you're a great kid now and you were a great kid then  
**feral desert baby:** fuck  
 **feral desert baby:** today is kinda a lot for me rn  
**ungrateful fuck:** you're with pidge right  
**feral desert baby:** yeah they're sitting on my legs  
**ungrateful fuck:** are you talking about this  
**feral desert baby:** of course i am shiro i live for validation  
**ungrateful fuck:** ah yes  
**ungrateful fuck:** the Validation™  
**feral desert baby:** i just hate feeling more invested in someone then they are in me  
**ungrateful fuck:** no one in this group loves you less then u love them  
**feral desert baby:** sure jan  
**ungrateful fuck:** that meme wasn't funny when it was current  
**feral desert baby:** sure jan  
\--  
**The Gays™**  
 **gremlin child:** so from what i gather  
**gremlin child:** everyone but shiro is having a Bad Day  
**fcuk:** i'm having a great time  
**gremlin child:** blocked  
**allura's bf:** did everyone take their meds??  
**gremlin child:** lmao  
**feral desert baby:** lol  
**bad nug:** yes mom  
**ungrateful fuck:** hdgsmfdjdtjdrt  
**fcuk:** ???  
**ungrateful fuck:** hello yes it is i actual takashi shirogane  
**ungrateful fuck:** adonis in body dad in heart  
**fcuk:** wow hello boyfriend who's definitely my boyfriend  
**ungrateful fuck:** allura!!! my beautiful gf!!! u r the light of my life and ur pussy tastes like cupcakes  
**feral desert baby:** i'm vOMITING  
**feral desert baby:** MATT STOP  
**ungrateful fuck:** im not matt  
**ungrateful fuck:** i'm takashi shirogane!!!!!  
**gremlin child:** ok shiro  
**gremlin child:** tell me more about the time u went golfing with matt  
**ungrateful fuck:** matt was exceedingly talented at golf as he is with all his endeavors  
**ungrateful fuck:** also when allura and i fuck i fantasize that matt is there  
**ungrateful fuck:** not doing anything just  
**ungrateful fuck:** watching  
**bad nug:** what the fuck is going on  
**allura's bf:** i'm???????????  
**ungrateful fuck:** PIDGE I NEED U TO GET REVENGE ON UR BROTHER FOR ME  
**gremlin child:** what??? do u mean to imply that wasn't you texting the group just now??  
**ungrateful fuck:** P I D G E  
**gremlin child:** lmao i'm gonna cut his face out of every family photo and replace him with shrek  
**gremlin child:** shrek is my true family  
**ungrateful fuck:** ily pidge  
**gremlin child:** ikr  
**allura's bf:** that'd explain a lot  
**gremlin child:** okay rude  
**bad nug:** that makes pid my sibling in law  
**gremlin child:** the ceremony was beautiful  
**bad nug:** :,)  
**bad nug:** happiest day of my life  
**allura's bf:** so lance is married to shrek and keith is married to mothman??  
**allura's bf:** i'm kinda insulted they got married before me  
**bad nug:** omg hunk ik the perfect guy for u  
**bad nug:** he's small yellow and handsome  
**allura's bf:** is it barry b benson  
**bad nug:** it is!!!!!  
**gremlin child:** i'm friends with benefits with beetlejuice  
**bad nug:** beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice  
**gremlin child:** i came  
**bad nug:** is beetlejuice ur daddy  
**feral desert baby:** i came into this chat bc u need to stop  
**bad nug:** does he make you squishy  
**feral desert baby:** what does that mean  
**gremlin child:** im his daddy  
**bad nug:** fuck that's hot  
**feral desert baby:** brb hanging myself  
**allura's bf:** yeah i'm gonna bleach my eyes  
**gremlin child:** hunk is barry the bee ur daddy  
**allura's bf:** sorry i can't see ur text my eyes are bleached  
\--  
**bad nug > allura's bf**  
 **bad nug:** hey i'm omw home but i'm kinda tipsy can i camp out at your place until i sober up  
**allura's bf:** and get me in trouble instead??? no  
**allura's bf:** try keith or pidge  
\--  
**bad nug > gremlin child**  
 **bad nug:** hey i need a place to chill until i'm totally sober can i come over  
**gremlin child:** yeah  
\--  
**bad nug > allura's bf**  
 **bad nug:** hunk u r a traitor  
**bad nug:** u didn't say kEITH WAS AT PIDGES  
**allura's bf:** i thought u knew  
**bad nug:** THEN WHY SUGGEST I GO TO KEITHS  
**allura's bf:** ok i lied  
**bad nug:** WHY WOULD U  
**allura's bf:** bc ur avoiding the problem at hand!!!!!!  
**bad nug:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
\--  
**feral desert baby > bad nug**  
 **feral desert baby:** u get home okay?  
**bad nug:** yep  
**feral desert baby:** i'm really glad i saw you today  
**bad nug:** really?  
 **feral desert baby:** it's been a bad day  
**bad nug:** what kind of bad?  
**feral desert baby:** the kind where all i can think about are the people who fucked me over and i just  
**feral desert baby:** some abandonment issues okay?  
**bad nug:** i'm sorry...  
**feral desert baby:** no it's okay  
**feral desert baby:** i handle things poorly  
**bad nug:** i think you handle what's been given to you really well  
**feral desert baby:** u only say that bc i somehow tricked you into liking me  
**bad nug:** tricked me?  
**bad nug:** do you not remember the six months where we made each other and pidge miserable  
**feral desert baby:** okay but who's to say you actually like me and didn't put that stuff aside for pidge's sake  
**bad nug:** me  
**bad nug:** i say  
**feral desert baby:** idk man i'm just  
**bad nug:** ik  
**bad nug:** some irrational thinking  
**feral desert baby:** yeah  
**bad nug:** i really care about you  
**bad nug:** i promise  
**feral desert baby:** thanks...  
**bad nug:** okay i'm still kinda tipsy on allura's wine and literally can't think about anything else to tell you how much i like you so like  
**bad nug:** don't hate me  
**feral desert baby:** ???  
**bad nug sent a picture**  
 **feral desert baby:** that's crazy blurry  
**feral desert baby:** is that us  
**feral desert baby:** oh  
**bad nug:** .  
**feral desert baby:** lance what is this?  
**bad nug left the chat**  
 **feral desert baby:** lance??????!!!!!  
\--  
**bad nug > fcuk**  
 **bad nug sent a screenshot**  
 **bad nug:** I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE ALLURA PLS HELP  
**fcuk:** oh my god  
**fcuk:** did you answer him?  
**bad nug:** i turned our chat off  
**fcuk:** LANCE.  
**bad nug:** I PANICKED OK  
**bad nug:** IM STILL PANICKING  
**fcuk:** what do you want to do now?  
**bad nug:** HONESTLY I WANT TO LIE IK HOW BAD THAT SOUNDS AND I WONT BUT ITS MY FIRST URGE  
**fcuk:** well ur right you shouldn't lie  
**fcuk:** you should log back in  
**fcuk:** and tell him how you feel  
**fcuk:** and explain the picture  
**bad nug:** what if  
**bad nug:** i go to sleep and wait for this to blow over  
**fcuk:** do not do that  
**bad nug:** yeah i'm gonna do that thanks for the advice allura  
**fcuk:** i'm screenshotting this so when u try to blame me i have evidence that i didn't lead you astray  
\--  
**feral desert baby > ungrateful fuck**  
 **feral desert baby called**  
 **feral desert baby called**  
 **feral desert baby:** shiro pls pick up i'm freaking tf out  
**ungrateful fuck:** keith what's up  
**ungrateful fuck:** me and mattie are kinda drunk kiddo  
**feral desert baby:** can you come home?  
**ungrateful fuck:** what happened i'm ordering an uber  
**feral desert baby:** i was having a Bad Day  
**feral desert baby:** thinking about my parents and shit  
**ungrateful fuck:** you know those pieces of shit don't matter right  
**feral desert baby:** yeah just  
**feral desert baby:** not being wanted takes a bit of a toll on ur self esteem yeah?  
**ungrateful fuck:** you are wanted  
**ungrateful fuck:** by me  
**feral desert baby:** thanks takashi  
**ungrateful fuck:** ofc kiddo  
**ungrateful fuck:** what happened  
**feral desert baby:** so i was chilling with pidge trying to feel better and lance came over for a bit and that was nice and shiro i'm like 99.9% sure u already know i really really like lance  
**ungrateful fuck:** yeah i do  
**feral desert baby:** okay cool bc that's important  
**feral desert baby:** so like i was feeling kinda better but then lance left and i texted him and we were talking about my bs and he sent me this picture that i definITELY DONT REMEMBER BEING TAKEN  
**feral desert baby sent a picture**  
 **ungrateful fuck:** are u guys kissing  
**feral desert baby:** YEAH  
**feral desert baby:** AND I WHEN I ASKED ABOUT THE PICTURE LANCE JUST LOGGED OFF  
**ungrateful fuck:** okay i've sobered up a bit and i'm coming home and we can talk more there  
**ungrateful fuck:** any food requests?  
**feral desert baby:** i feel kinda queasy tbh  
**ungrateful fuck:** okay  
**ungrateful fuck:** i'll see you soon keith  
\--  
**ungrateful fuck > triangle fucker**  
 **ungrateful fuck sent a screenshot**  
 **ungrateful fuck:** be glad ur parents memories aren't going  
**ungrateful fuck:** bc this is raising a teenager  
**triangle fucker:** lmao what the fuck  
**ungrateful fuck:** I KNOW  
**ungrateful fuck:** LITERALLY WHAT HAPPENS TO THE TEENAGE MIND  
**triangle fucker:** i should write my dissertation on wtf teenagers are thinking  
**ungrateful fuck:** do it  
**ungrateful fuck:** use these dumbass kids  
**triangle fucker:** u don't support me like u do keith :(  
**ungrateful fuck:** keith is my baby brother u absolute freak  
**triangle fucker:** u love me  
**ungrateful fuck:** i do i do  
\--  
**feral desert baby > gremlin child**  
 **feral desert baby sent a screenshot**  
 **feral desert baby:** what does any of this mean  
**gremlin child:** holy shit  
**gremlin child:** you really should have this convo with lance  
**feral desert baby:** well i can't  
**gremlin child:** idk dude  
\--  
**bad nug > feral desert baby**  
 **bad nug:** keith?  
**bad nug:** i'm sorry i freaked i'll explain now  
**bad nug:** keith??  
**bad nug:** i see u reading these please answer me  
\--  
**feral desert baby > bad nug**  
 **feral desert baby:** i'm listening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun duuuuun  
> lmao sorry to leave a cliffhanger but i'm not actually  
> this came out kinda... venty and shiro is the big bro we all wanted when we were teenage and neurodiverse  
> uh keith has bpd here, im venting
> 
> also!! the next chapter will probably be the last!!! but this au doesn't have to die i may still write one shots in this universe in literary style or chat style so!!! there's that!!


	10. youtube holes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is

**feral desert baby > bad nug  
feral desert baby:** i'm listening  
**bad nug:** okay first of all i'm so sorry i ran like that  
**bad nug:** are you mad  
**feral desert baby:** i'm mostly confused but i am kinda annoyed  
**bad nug:** fair  
**bad nug:** so at the new year's party we both got crazy wasted  
**bad nug:** and you don't remember anything?  
**feral desert baby:** no i really don't  
**bad nug:** okay well  
**bad nug:** i kinda lied  
**bad nug:** i remember really vaguely  
**bad nug:** kissing you  
**bad nug:** i really don't remember anything but the actual kiss like  
**bad nug:** i don't know who started it or why we kissed but like  
**bad nug:** it happened  
**bad nug:** and i lied to you about it  
**feral desert baby:** where did you get a picture  
**bad nug:** pidge took it  
**feral desert baby:** .  
**bad nug:** so i realized when i saw it that i wasn't imagining things and we did kiss but you didn't remember it so i got really freaked out and afraid that i did something you weren't able to consent to and that i hurt you so i didn't know if i should tell you or not because i'm so sorry and i didn't mean to do anything you wouldn't want i would never jeopardize our friendship like that i'm sorry  
**feral desert baby:** okay you were crazy wasted too  
**feral desert baby:** pretty sure you were also past the consent point so  
**feral desert baby:** don't worry about it  
**feral desert baby:** the only thing that's making me upset is keeping secrets from me  
**bad nug:** i'm sorry  
**feral desert baby:** i mean  
**feral desert baby:** i know where you're coming from so i can forgive you  
**feral desert baby:** but why didn't you tell me?  
**bad nug:** uh  
**bad nug:** can i call you?  
**bad nug:** typing this out is gonna get me all psyched out  
**feral desert baby:** i'm with shiro rn  
**bad nug:** ugh okay  
**bad nug:** i didn't tell you because  
**feral desert baby:** you gonna finish that thought anytime soon?  
**bad nug:** i like you  
**bad nug:** like i want to go out with you  
**bad nug:** a lot  
**bad nug:** i think you're really cute and funny and even when we bicker i love it because you're so passionate? we fight over the stupidest stuff but u always go 100% and it's so cute  
**bad nug:** i really admire you? idk this is really hard to put into words  
**bad nug:** keith?  
**bad nug:** are you still there?  
**bad nug:** oh my god i made it weird i'm sorry  
**feral desert baby:** i like you too  
**feral desert baby:** sorry i was freaking out  
**bad nug:** gmsuaiaidbxgskajjwfv  
**bad nug:** YOU LIKE ME  
**feral desert baby:** yeah i do  
**bad nug:** HOLY SHIT  
**bad nug:** can we go out? like on a date i'll treat you right  
**bad nug:** WAIT A SEC BEFORE U ANSWER  
\--  
**bad nug > ungrateful fuck  
bad nug:** hey shiro can i have your permission to take your little brother on a date?  
**ungrateful fuck:** is that what that face is about?  
**ungrateful fuck:** yeah lmao ok  
**bad nug:** THANKS  
\--  
**bad nug > feral desert baby  
bad nug: **i am armed with your brothers blessing  
**feral desert baby:** i don't need shiros blessing i'm gonna do whatever i want  
**feral desert baby:** and yes  <3  
**bad nug:** keith!!!!!!!  
**bad nug:** <3 <3 <3  
**bad nug:** are we boyfriends???  
**feral desert baby:** were boyfriends  
**bad nug:** BABE  
**feral desert baby:** i'm  
**bad nug:** do u like babe  
**bad nug:** is that okay  
**feral desert baby:** yes  
**bad nug:** AAAA <3  
**bad nug:** can i come over???  
**feral desert baby:** it's like the middle of the night?  
**bad nug:** oh  
**bad nug:** i just  
**bad nug:** i kinda wanted to cuddle but if it's too late  
**feral desert baby:** nope it's fine come over  
**bad nug:**!!!!!  
**bad nug:** IM ON THE WAY  
\--  
**bad nug > allura's bf  
bad nug:** HUNK  
**bad nug:** HUNK HUNK HUNK  
**allura's bf:** lance  
**bad nug:** GUESS WHERE I AM GOING  
**allura's bf:** where  
**bad nug:** TO KEITHS SO WE CAN CUDDLE  
**allura's bf:** you told him???  
**bad nug:** YEP WERE BFS NOW  
**allura's bf:** LANCE  
**bad nug:** HUNK  
\--  
**feral desert baby > gremlin child  
feral desert baby sent a screenshot  
gremlin child: **GET IT BOY  
**feral desert baby:** we'll discuss the fact that you took a picture of me and lance kissing and decided not to tell me later  
**gremlin child:** oops  
\--  
**The Gays™  
bad nug sent a picture  
feral desert baby:** lance  
**bad nug:** babe we look so cute everyone needs to know  
**fcuk:** HOLY SHIT  
**fcuk:** YALL  
**gremlin child:** nyall  
**fcuk:** stop  
**allura's bf:** lances new wallpaper  
**bad nug:** it is <3  
**fcuk:** you two are so cute  
**gremlin child:** this is way better then the other kissing picture  
**allura's bf:** yeah keith will remember this one  
**bad nug:** i'm ignoring the two of you in favor of my adorable bf  
**feral desert baby:** shhhhhh  
**bad nug:** never  
**bad nug:** now that you know i'm going to never ever stop showering you in praise  <3  
**bad nug changed feral desert baby to the cutest boy  
gremlin child:** keiths emotionally stunted ass: aaaaaAAAAAAA  
**bad nug:** he just got all red awww  
**the cutest boy changed bad nug's name to prettiest boy  
prettiest boy:** BABY  
**gremlin child:** i'm throwing up  
**prettiest boy:** you're just mad u have to share keith w me now  
**gremlin child:** i didn't eVEN THINK OF THAT  
**gremlin child:** KEITH  
**the cutest boy:** pidge  
**gremlin child:** PROMISE ME THIS WILL TAKE NO TIME AWAY FROM PLATONIC DATEMATES  
**the cutest boy:** i'll be there whenever you need  <3  
**gremlin child:** i need u now  
**the cutest boy:** no  
**gremlin child:** LANCE YOURE STEALING HIM FROM ME  
**prettiest boy:** lmao  
**prettiest boy sent a picture  
prettiest boy:** i love him  <3  
\--  
**fcuk > ungrateful fuck:  
fcuk: **how are the lovebirds  
**fcuk:** have you given them the Talk  
**fcuk:** have you given lance the shovel talk  
**ungrateful fuck:** idk  
**ungrateful fuck:** god no  
**ungrateful fuck:** and regular no  
**fcuk:** are u gonna  
**ungrateful fuck:** i wasn't planning on it but if you think it'd be funny  
**fcuk:** YES ITLL BE SO FUNNY LOWKEY MAKE KEITH FILM  
**ungrateful fuck:** lmao okay  
\--  
**ungrateful fuck > the cutest boy  
ungrateful fuck:** i hate ur username  
**ungrateful fuck:** and i wanna mess with your boyfriend  
**the cutest boy:** sucks to suck  
**the cutest boy:** and yes!!!!!  
**ungrateful fuck:** okay cool i'm gonna give him the shovel talk u film it for allura  
**the cutest boy:** lmao ok  
**the cutest boy:** i'll give him some excuse and go  
**the cutest boy:** u come in like "while we have a sec" and ill film from the doorway super spy style  
**ungrateful fuck:** aaaa ur the best lil bro thank u for letting me prank ur bf  
**the cutest boy:** np np  
**the cutest boy:** nows ur opening go  
\--  
**The Gays™  
the cutest boy sent a video  
fcuk:** THANK U  
**gremlin child:** holy shit rip lance  
**allura's bf:** i'm in tears  
**the cutest boy:** for half a second i thought he might irl piss himself  
**prettiest boy:** haha ur all so funny  
**ungrateful fuck:** i thought it was funny  
**fcuk:** and a round of applause for our thespian  
**ungrateful fuck:** i just wanna say thank u to my fans  
**gremlin child:** tag urself im the whites of lances eyes  
**allura's bf:** i'm the vaguely nauseous look  
**allura's bf:** obviously  
**fcuk:** i'm "if you EVER touch my little brother, even if he wants it, even if he BEGS"  
**fcuk:** shit that was so funny  
**gremlin child:** NO NO IM KEITH LOSING HIS SHIT AT THE END  
**the cutest boy:** he's pouting  
**the cutest boy sent a picture  
the cutest boy:** all better  
**fcuk:** did  
**fcuk:** did keith really take, and send to the gc, a smooch pic??  
**prettiest boy:** ( ´ ▽ ` )  
**prettiest boy:** all better  
**the cutest boy:** <3  
**gremlin child:** UGH I ALREADY REGRET ENCOURAGING THIS  
**allura's bf:** i'm breaking them up  
**allura's bf:** u two are broken up  
**prettiest boy sent a picture  
prettiest boy:** so broken up  
**the cutest boy:** laNCE  
**fcuk:** my eyes burn  
**gremlin child:** is this porn  
**allura's bf:** lance why  
**ungrateful fuck:** IM DROPPING MY PHONE IN BLEACH THAT IS MY BABY BROTHER LANCE  
**prettiest boy:** okay it's not that bad  
**gremlin child:** keith how did u not notice this being taken??? you're looking at the camera  
**ungrateful fuck:** WITH NO SHIRT????? PORNOGRAPHY  
**prettiest boy:** THATS IT!!!!!  
**prettiest boy:** JUST A CUTE TOPLESS BOY GIGGLING AT THE CAMERA  
**prettiest boy:** and pidge he knew it was being taken i just didn't say i was sending it  
**prettiest boy:** aww he's all red guys he's so cute  
**prettiest boy:** i'm so lucky  
**the cutest boy:** no hunk is right we're done  
**prettiest boy:** WHAT NO BABY IM SORRY  
**prettiest boy:** ooooo lmao bye  
**ungrateful fuck:** okay the talking and laughing was cute at hour one but  
**ungrateful fuck:** i can hEAR THEM  
**ungrateful fuck:** I KNOW THEYRE MAKING OUT  
\--  
**fcuk > ungrateful fuck  
fcuk: **all this lance and keith stuff is making me nostalgic  
**fcuk:** come over  
**ungrateful fuck:** so fucking gladly  
**ungrateful fuck:** they're so noisy  
**fcuk:** awwww they're sixteen  
**fcuk:** they're young and in love  
**fcuk:** cut them some slack  
**ungrateful fuck:** no  
**fcuk:** at least take out your frustration on ur girl  
**ungrateful fuck:** that's not funny i'd never hurt u :(  
**ungrateful fuck:** not even sexily  
**fcuk:** that's so romantic  
**ungrateful fuck:** ikr im a real casanova  
**fcuk:** hey ily  
**ungrateful fuck:** hey ily  
\--  
**The Gays™  
gremlin child:** who wants to see something weird  
**the cutest boy:** me  
**allura's bf:** do it  
**prettiest boy:** no pidge has bad taste  
**gremlin child sent a [[link](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-M2A7U83USI)]  
allura's bf:** what the fuck  
**prettiest boy:** i'm scared???  
**the cutest boy:** i'm  
**the cutest boy:** doesn't she sound afraid??  
**allura's bf:** omg ur right  
**allura's bf:** like she's trying to appease someone  
**fcuk:** what corner of youtube are u in pidge  
**gremlin child:** idk but like  
**gremlin child:** it feels voyeuristic and like i should stop  
**fcuk:** please do  
**gremlin child:** yeah i'm done  
**the cutest boy:** More.  
**gremlin child:** search finger family  
**the cutest boy:**????  
**the cutest boy:** ????????????????  
**the cutest boy:** so many  
**gremlin child:** check the subscriber/view counts  
**the cutest boy:**?????????????????????  
**prettiest boy:** his confused face is rly cute but i'm not even watching bc i'm so distracted by how fucking weird  
**prettiest boy:** wait is this related to the spidermen  
**gremlin child:** spidermen?  
**prettiest boy sent a [[link](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fSIRFMXM4k0)]  
prettiest boy:** there are so many  
**gremlin child:** THERES A WHOLE DIFFERENT SODE OF FINGER FAMILY I DIDNT KNOW  
**gremlin child:** it feels like brain washing  
**the cutest boy:** pidge  
**gremlin child:** oh my god  
**the cutest boy:** if u disappear in the next week it was the men in black  
**prettiest boy:** do u two ever shut up  
**the cutest boy:** do u want me to?  
**prettiest boy:** nah  
**gremlin child:** vomit  
**allura's bf:** what the fuck are these videos?  
**the cutest boy:** our new furer's way of getting to the children first  
**allura's bf:** i'm actually way more concerned with hi honey  
**the cutest boy:** oh me too  
**allura's bf:** honestly is rather u guys make out a lot over these creepy youtube holes  
**prettiest boy:** good idea  
**allura's bf:** no wait  
**prettiest boy:** bye  
**allura's bf:** wow  
**allura's bf:** i know they got together like less then a day ago but like  
**allura's bf:** i feel abandoned  
**gremlin child:** at least we have each other  
**allura's bf:** were the only ones left  
**gremlin child:** oh no  
**allura's bf:** pidge u have to remain strong  
**allura's bf:** u have to resist romantic temptation  
**gremlin child:** lmao np  
**allura's bf:** sighing loudly  
**allura's bf:** wanna come over?  
**gremlin child:** yes!  
\--  
**The Gays™  
ungrateful fuck:** get lance out of my house  
**fcuk:** lmao  
**allura's bf:** he won't leave?  
**ungrateful fuck:** nope  
**ungrateful fuck:** they're just cuddling on the couch and saying grossly sappy shit  
**allura's bf:** keith is being sappy?  
**ungrateful fuck:** lmao y'all  
**ungrateful fuck:** u have no idea  
**ungrateful fuck:** this boy is a romantic at heart  
**fcuk:** it's cute usually but it's  
**fcuk:** a lot  
**allura's bf:** lmao  
**ungrateful fuck:** lmao bye lance  
**prettiest boy:** HE POURED WATER ON IS THEN PUT ME OUTSIDE  
**allura's bf:** shiro is laying down the law  
**the cutest boy:** IM SORRY LANCE  
**prettiest boy:** it's ok baby i don't blame you  
**fcuk:** baby  
**the cutest boy:** LA N C E  
**prettiest boy:** IM SORRY BABE  
**the cutest boy:** LA ANCE  
**prettiest boy:** can i still come back in  
**the cutest boy:**...................yes  
**prettiest boy:** aaaaa he has towels and shiro is pouting  
**fcuk:** babe what happened  
**ungrateful fuck:** nothing  
**prettiest boy:** keith looks rly cute with wet hair  
**allura's bf:** lance i put up with this for ages before are u gonna continue in the group now?  
**prettiest boy:**  yes  
**fcuk:** lance interjects the group chat with keith has a cute butt every hour or so  
**the cutest boy:** then he'd be a liar  
**prettiest boy:** NO BABY U DO  
**ungrateful fuck:** keith is yelling  
**ungrateful fuck:** no words  
**ungrateful fuck:** he screm  
**fcuk:** <3  
**prettiest boy:** EVERYONE TELL KEITH HES CUTE  
**fcuk:** keith is super cute  
**gremlin child:** KEITH IS V CUTE HES MY BIG FAVE AND HE HAS A GOOD FACE  
**allura's bf:** keith is v cute  
**ungrateful fuck:** keith is my brother  
**the cutest boy:** lmao thanks y'all  
**prettiest boy:** nyall  
**the cutest boy:** this crush is canceled  
**prettiest boy:** no it's not  <3  
**the cutest boy:** ugh i guess not <3  
**gremlin child:** gross

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there it was
> 
>  
> 
> sorry it's shorter then the rest, there just wasn't a ton to do in the chat  
> i'm writing a bit of when lance comes to keith and shiros tho bc i can't help myself


End file.
